Heartthrob J.H

Help me please

SORRY IN ADVANCED

Nikkis POV 2 weeks later 2am

TW⚠️ sensitive topics about anxiety and suicide and eating disorders

I don't know what I feel right now. I'm very super stressed. I'm all alone in my bedroom. Well with my dog of course. I feel very alone right now. I wanna kinda sorta die. Not really die just disappear off of the planet earth. I'm so ashamed of myself i cut today and that's not good

I feel very uncomfortable And insecure in my body and I wanna just leave honestly. I'm stuck with myself and I can't escape myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.

Although me and Jaden are doing well I don't feel good enough for him. Everyone says he deserves better. I've gotten dms from not fans but people I know and who know about me and Jaden and their telling me I'm not good enough for him. I'm getting compared to Madison in girlfriend wise and she was a way better girlfriend then I could ever be

She's literally perfect. I'm not even gonna lie about it either. She's gorgeous. I hate to say it but it's true. So is that darianka girl she's pretty too. I do not know why you would ever choose me over them

Fans are half and half. Some of them call me rude names some of them are nice I guess.

I'm stressed. I need to find something to do like an occupation. Never planned any of that shit before because I was gonna be a volleyball player but that's all fucking ruined I need to find something I could do. I don't know I'm stressed how am I gonna be able to do anything like I have a bad image and reputation and half of social media hates me

Really I never saw myself making it this far. I thought I would just be dead by now but I guess not. I'm still here for some purpose unknown. I really wanna just go and leave never come back.

I write a few words down in my note book kinda maybe I could make a poem or song.

I don't feel ok right now. I'm so stressed. Fidgeting with my pen pressing the top of it over and over again. I scroll though my phone on tiktok trying to find a distraction but it's really the opposite

I see all these pretty girls perfect girls on tiktok and I'm just comparing myself to them. I put my phone on my bed and walk into the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and lift my shirt up. My body isn't how I liek it. I don't like it. It feels like I've gained weight. I look around the room and one thing catches my eye...

The scale...

No Nikki no. Stop yourself.

Oh who am I kidding just check I already know I've gained weight. I walk over to the scale and I step on it. I close my eyes tightly hoping I didn't gain. I open my eyes to see...

120lbs

No no no no. I've gained so much no no no no no. I start shaking and crying. I can't.

I walk back to my room crying. I go back into my bed and I pick my phone back up. I'm still crying a lot actually and shaking

I go back on tiktok and refresh my page. Now my page is messed up. There a bunch of Jaden and mads tiktoks. The "jads" shippers are bringing old videos back. Jaden looks so happy so did mads. It makes me sad for some reason. Mads looks so happy too.

This is just making me cry even more. They look so fucking happy. My heart is pounding.

The next tiktok i see sends me gong crazy. It's a tiktok with mads and Jadens parents and siblings. Mads looked so close with them they all looked so happy. My heart is beating out of my chest right now. They all look so close. Jadens sister is calling mads her sister.