BLOGS AND CONFESSIONS

[B] #16 - WRITER'S GRUDGE

"Tigilan mo na nga yang pagiging writer kuno-kuno mo! Wala ka namang mararating dyan!"

Those are the words that keeps ringing from my head. It keeps bothering me that I did something bad where in fact I just only writing. Those are the words who gave me pain throughout my writing journey. And you know what is more painful? It came from my mother. I really believe that she's my number one fan against all odds. But I was wrong.

That is my mother's favorite line whenever she see me writing some stories, she would tell me that instead of doing household chores I prefer to spend my time to the worthless thing which is writing.

She really hates it.

I don't have any painful remarks for her but a little grudge I think? I can say that she's not with me on my writing journey. It is like when I disobey her commands she interprets it in a wrong way.

Why on earth can my mother support me to the things that I love to do??? Why can't I just replace her instantly so I can be free???

Obviously, I'm a writer. I wrote different kinds of stories and I really love making one. I always saying to myself that writing doesn't mean to impress someone; it is how you express yourself to everyone. Writing is very important to me because through this, I'm able to achieve my dreams and express my true self.

I got attached with this field four years ago and it all started when our teacher told us to make a short story about our family. Within the presentation of my work, my teacher told me that my words are so powerful that makes them hooked on my story. That started my interest got piqued in writing. I can still remember that I wrote a short story and put it on my notebook. That was so jeje days back then! When this writing of mine got discovered I told it to my mother but to my surprise, she disagree and asked me quit writing.

And that day it all started about my forbidden writing. That's right despite what my mother told me to do I still pursue my writing because that's my soul wants me to do. I don't do such a wrong thing. So why my mother wants me to quit in writing? Is expressing yourself through a pen and a paper is a bad thing to do? Ofcourse, it's not alright?

Is there something like a history that I don't know that my mother is hiding and that history of her is her reason why she wants me to quit in writing? If she have one, can she tell it to me? But if she told me am I going follow her still? Well, it doesn't matter. I will, and I will never stop to tell my mother that I love to do this, I'm into this. One day, she will understand.

Whenever I write stories either short stories or long, I mostly often genre is about "Mother's love". I can also write poems with that genre. Wanna know what I chose to write stories with that such genre? I want to express my emotions, grudges and gasps about my mother's disagreement to my writing skills. Because I believe, one day she would realize that and I want her to realize on that method, on my own way of writing.

You can't blame me. I was dissapointed and was in a painful situation because of her. The opportunity was knocking... all I need to do is to open the door but it was locked. Locked by my mother. I'm almost there!

She can't even support me whenever I'll be fighting with the other writers. I need here in times I need her the most: When I'm losing in a contest, but no avail. That was not happened only once but always, always no presence of her.

Anyways, It's just a train of thought that popped up on my head. Whenever my mother scold me for being hard-headed I always ended up going to my room and write my feelings through a paper and now, I composed a newly fresh poem entitled: "Sorry, I love you!"

I dedicated this poem to my mother who's doubting my skills ever since I started to write.

Sorry, I love you~
Even my love for you is like a blue
I'm here to say, I really do
I really love you~

I admit, I want my mom to die just for my own sake of happiness. I want her to dissappear like a bubble so that I can do what ever I wanted to do. She's the wall that was built between me and my dreams.

Sorry if I choose my passion
Over you, my mother~
I want to be a successful person
Like you, my mother: my successor

All I wanted is to make my mother proud and be like her. She's also a well-known writer before so why not follow the footsteps? I'm her number one fan but she's my number one hater.

A peak of my choice
Is a sacrifice that I couldn't rejoice
Not even a sneak
My love for you I can't speak

Yes, I can't even say I love her even in a paper. It's just I can't... For all the things I wanted to flee from her I think she doesn't deserve the three-letter word. Not until...

I hope I can bring back
The time coz I'll fix our crack
And I can give you a smack
But sadly, you died in a heart attack

You read it right. My mother died in a heart attack. I wish she was here yawning at me to stop writing damn, I miss her everyday line. I wish we can still fix our cracked relationship and I really wish that I can tell my mother how I love her despite what I have experienced.

I was on a contest that time, a writing contest to be specific. I'm competing against other writers. Yes, I'm in a contest when she was announced dead. Her body found inside of our home.

I don't know anything what happened to her. Things are getting started to go well. My mother finally realized and felt sorry for what she did to me. That was the first time I got excited to get home because I won the contest but it shocked me to the punch!

When I came home, there a lot of policemen scattered on our house. While me, I'm holding my trophy and my smile automatically faded. At first, the news didn't sinked on me then after a while my tears began to fall, racing and also competing who will the one that will drop first on the floor.

I don't deserve this. She passed away with a heart attack and her sentiments for me left unspoken. We're getting better... We're fixing our broken relationship step by step but the fate twisted it all.

I knelt on her dead body, her eyes are partially closed and no oxygen.
"Ma... Sorry Ma... I love you!" I mumbled and held her hand for the last time.

That's my grudge about my mother that has been sealed for years. It keeps hunting me but I know, I know that she is now proud of me.

"Hi! What's your name?" I asked.

"Melissa po! Hello po!" The girl replied and gave me a hug.

"Your name is just like my mother's name but it's Melisse." I beamed a smile towards to her.

"Ang ganda po ng libro niyo nakaka-inspire! Sa totoo nga po niyan we're on the same path po." She praised me and I felt humble inside.

I took my pen and open the book. I put my signature to its first page and then I smiled once again.

"Really?" I said, smiling back.

"Opo opo! My mom doesn't want me to be a writer din po eh." How painful, parang ako rin nung bata ako.

I closed the book and gave it to her.

"Listen okay? Ipagpatuloy mo yang gusto ng puso mo. Kasi katulad ng bida rito sa storyang ito." I pointed the book. "Hindi siya sumuko. Hindi ako sumuko. Okay?" After that she gave me assuring smile.

Now, I'm a successful writer and I live to inspire other people with my story. What about you? What's your story?

***END***

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