blue gasoline ✿ nomin

068

"Jaemin, talk to me," Jeno begged after countless minutes of them sitting in tense silence once they finally arrived at his apartment.

"There's nothing to talk about," the younger replied flatly, recoiling into himself even more as he continued to stare at the wall.

The officer sighed, clearly not content with that answer. He was so fucking done with Jaemin shutting down and refusing to talk about anything—especially with him. "You can't keep me out forever. Why are you so upset?"

"Wouldn't you be upset if your friends all hung out without you because you're nothing more than a burden to them?" Jaemin snapped harshly, still refusing to tear his gaze away from the beige wall in front of him.

"I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding."

"They didn't invite me because they were getting high. You're going to tell me that's a fucking misunderstanding?"

Jeno groaned internally, already sensing a fight surfacing. They always seemed to argue when things like this happened, even if they didn't involve Jeno in the slightest. Clearly, Jaemin had a nasty habit of taking his hurt and anger out on whoever was closest—which just happened to be him 90% of the time. "If they're getting high, you don't need to be around them anyway," he said finally, and he meant every word of it. Their company was part of the reason Jaemin was in this situation in the first place, so he was not entitled to be fond of them.

"Easy for you to say," the blue-haired boy spat, at last turning his sharp gaze towards his boyfriend. "You've got people who give a fuck about you. They were the only people who cared if I even woke up in the morning and they don't even fucking like me," he seethed—but out of agony, not anger.

"Why do you always act like I don't exist?" the taller replied gravely instead of comforting the other as he generally would.

"What?"

"You always say all this shit, but you don't even once think about me. Have I not done enough to show you that I love you? I've done everything I can for you, but you're caught up over your shitty friends. How do you think that makes me feel? I understand why you're upset, but I'm here too."

There was a long period of silence. Needless to say, Jaemin felt guilty—and he should, because it's true. He never cares about what he does have; his focus is always on what's lacking. When things start going haywire, Jeno is but an afterthought, because he seems to be the only thing going well. His heart broke as he finally said: "You don't need me anyway."

Jeno rubbed his face harshly before staring so intently into the other boy's eyes, he swore he was reaching into his soul. "I do need you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't need you. Why won't you believe me?"

"Because I'm the worst person you'll ever meet," the younger whispered, voice nearly catching in his throat. "I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a coward, I'm a—"

Jeno could no longer hear the words coming out of his boyfriend's mouth. Three of those words pierced his heart as he had never felt in his life. He wanted to believe that maybe Jaemin wasn't talking about him, but he had to be; he's the only boyfriend the other boy has ever had. "You cheated on me?" he interrupted after a few moments, but it felt as if his voice was disconnected from his body—as if he was desperately trying to expel the hurt that overcame him so suddenly.

The teen froze. He didn't know why he just expected that to slip right past Jeno, but of course, it didn't. Not that it mattered anyway—the truth would come out eventually. It always did.

The officer took the silence as his affirmation. His stomach churned. His throat burned. His heart ached. He felt so utterly betrayed. "With who?" he managed to croak out.

By now, Jaemin was crying. He saw how afflicted the older was by what he had done, and he felt awful for it. He always used the worst methods to sabotage himself, because he had convinced himself so many years ago that he didn't deserve to be truly happy with anyone. "You don't want to know."

"Was it Sehyoon?"

Silence.

"God, what the fuck, Jaemin?!" the black-haired male shouted, tears beginning to slide down his pale face.

"I'm sorry," he replied, sobbing quietly as if he even had the right to cry after what he did.

"When?" Jeno demanded.

"The night you caught me partying. We just...kissed, but—"

"But you let it happen."

Neither of them said anything as they both cried, but they didn't hold each other like they would have done before.

After a few minutes, Jaemin whispered, "We're going to break up, aren't we?" through the neverending flow of his salty tears.

"Yeah, we are," the older replied equally as soft. He didn't want them to end. He wanted them to last forever—to get married, grow old...everything. They were only together for a few months, but that's all he needed to know that Jaemin was someone so very special to him.

He also knew it wasn't entirely Jaemin's fault.

He couldn't excuse his boyfriend for cheating, but he also couldn't find it within himself to be angry, no matter how deceived he felt. Jaemin was so, very sick. He needed time to get better for himself before he should have to worry about a relationship. He should've known that from the start, but he was so blinded that he ignored it for his own selfishness.

And he was once again blinded as he saw how Jaemin's body wracked with sobs, with his face buried into his dainty fingers. He didn't have a care in the world as he pulled Jaemin into his chest—into the final embrace they would have, at least for a very long time.

"I'm sorry, Jeno," the younger cried, voice halfway muffled by Jeno's sweater. "For everything."

"I am too, Jaemin. I am, too."

And he was. Jaemin deserved a happy ending with someone special who made him forget everything else, but he couldn't provide that.

But he didn't regret a single second of the time they spent together, and he never would, no matter how badly they hurt each other, because love hurts. It's cruel. It's ruthless. It will beat you down until there's nothing left but a bleeding heart begging to be sutured.

But love is also pure. It's uplifting, and sweet, and makes you feel like you're on top of the world. Even though love is riddled with heartbreak, it is also painted in happy moments. Those shared glances. When you kiss for the first time. When you start to notice their little quirks. Everything they talk about in the movies that you never believed in until it happens to you.

His heart was mangled, almost to the point to where he wondered if he would ever recover, but he knew he would. They both would. And if it was meant to be, and they really were as special to each other as they thought, they'll find their way back to one another.

One day.

THE END.