blue gasoline ✿ nomin

020

Jeno decided it'd be a bit insensitive to go see Jaemin that day. The teen needed time to mourn and Jeno was in no position to hinder that. He was worried, but he could wait.

Instead, he went the next week. He thought the seven days of pondering would've been enough to convince himself not to go at all, but ended up finding himself itching to visit even more. He was worried sick, and he finally had the capacity to admit it wasn't just because he was being humane. Jeno wanted to see that beautiful smile, not eyes clouded with tears. He wanted to be taunted and teased with nasty comments. And, most shockingly of all, he wanted to kiss him again. Would he do that? Doubtfully, but the desire was still there.

When the maid let him in the house, she gave him a bit of a sympathetic smile. It was a bit odd, but he brushed it off and maneuvered his way through the house and to Jaemin's bedroom.

He knocked thrice, waiting only a couple of seconds before opening the door. Jaemin looked genuinely shocked to see who was entering his bedroom, his face getting a little bit panicked as he set his eyes on the officer. He was anticipating a comment on something stupid he had done over the past several days, but instead was met with a simple question.

"Hey, how are you?" Jeno asked as he strode over to the desk he usually sat at.

"I'm...fine," the younger replied, his eyes following Jeno's every move. Something was different about the officer today. Maybe he was just overthinking, or maybe it was just his hungover brain misinterpreting things—but whatever it was, something felt off from all the other times he had seen Jeno. He just hoped it wasn't pity.

"Did you have a good day at school?"

"Yeah," Jaemin lied. He hadn't been to school since last week.

They fell into an awkward silence, neither party knowing exactly what to say. Both had a million things they wanted to say, but those thoughts were too outlandish to be voiced.

"Why are you here?" the teen finally asked, but there was no trace of hatefulness in his voice. He was simply curious, but who could blame him? The last time they saw each other, Jeno would barely look at him, and now he's showing up in his bedroom asking about his fucking day at school. It was bizarre and very out of character for the officer. Then again, Jeno was obviously a bit unpredictable with his actions. One minute he was cold and menacing, and the next he was acting like an old friend.

"To check on you," Jeno answered honestly. He left out the part about being so concerned he could hardly sleep and how he had come to terms with the fact that he didn't just want to see Jaemin to be a good samaritan.

Jaemin's expression turned sour in an instant. "I don't need your pity."

Jeno furrowed his brows. "I'm not pitying you," he replied calmly, trying his best to keep an altercation from arising. He was tired of arguing every time they were together. It was ridiculous and just as childish on his part as it was Jaemin's.

The younger scoffed slightly and looked away. This caused Jeno's stomach to twitch as he felt all his kind gestures becoming vain in his mind.

"Do you not want me to worry about you? Just a few weeks ago, you were begging me to care, and now you're being a brat when I do. Make up your mind, Jaemin. I'm getting tired of this."

Jaemin knitted his brows together as his heart panged. He had never been put in his place like this. His antics always went unmentioned, but now that someone called him out, he didn't know how to react. Should he apologize? No, he's Na Jaemin, he doesn't apologize. Should he cry? No, that seems to always be the answer he goes with, whether planned or not. Should he get angry? It seems logical, but no. He was dumbfounded, not knowing how to react, much less what to say. For once, he took a gentler approach. He answered the question with no snideness, simply wanting the older to see from his perspective.

"I do want you to care about me, just for the right reasons."

"What are the right reasons?"

"I don't want you only coming to see me because you think I'm upset or something," the younger started, not removing his gaze from his grey sheets. "I want you to come see me just because you miss me, not because you don't want me crying alone in my room." He took a deep breath before adding, "I know you just came to see me because of what happened last week and because you know about Dasom."

Jeno shifted in his seat a bit. As much as he wanted to pour his soul out right then and there, he couldn't. He wasn't even sure about exactly what he was feeling, and spilling everything would surely be detrimental. Instead, he cleared his throat and dropped his voice just above a whisper. "You know I can't provide that."

The pink-headed boy sighed and drooped his head a bit. Yes, he knew. He fucking knew. He just wanted someone to see him as more than a charity case. Everyone that got to knew him in the slightest discovered he was a very broken individual, and eventually had nothing but sympathy for him welled up inside themselves.

"Yeah, I know."

Jeno nodded. He wanted to wipe that sullen look right off the younger's face. It killed him to reject Jaemin yet again, but it was his final brick in the wall that kept him from running to the teen and falling for him like a fool. It had occurred to him that maybe they both deserved the trial, but the cons outweighed the pros, so he chose to hold his position.

"You deserve so much more than to get caught up over a man like me," the officer finally said.

"Can you just explain to me why you refuse to be anything more than acquaintances with me? It's fine if you have to hurt my feelings, just be honest," Jaemin replied, nearly ignoring the older's previous statement. He had asked this question a million times, but it didn't stop him from inquiring yet again.

"I just have too much going on to worry about any type of relationship. It's nothing personal, it just isn't in my best interest to make you special to me in any way," the ravenette answered the question halfway truthfully. He really did have a lot of things going on—his career, for example—that prevented him from pursuing any type of relationship. However, the last part had very little truth. Jaemin was already special without Jeno even attempting to make him so. It was just best that he didn't complicate things both for himself and the bucket of angst sitting in front of him.

After a few moments of silence, Jaemin finally spoke up. "If that's all, could you please leave now? I'm a bit hungover, so I'm not feeling too well," he whispered, masking the disappointment in his voice to the best of his ability. How could he, though, when he just got shot down again? It was depressing how many times he had been denied by the man sitting in his bedroom. Even his body wasn't  enough for the officer to accept him.

Jeno sighed and hesitantly left. Something inside him screamed for him to stay and never leave, but he ignored it. That would surely only cause harm to both of them. He halfway wished for Jaemin to come bounding down the stairs and beg him not to leave, but that didn't happen. The younger was a bit too prideful for that. Not that crying in Jeno's apartment after begging the older to love him was very flattering on his part, but running after someone who just left him hanging was a bit out of his taste.

That's cliche anyway, Jeno scoffed to himself as a maid shut the grand door behind him, subjecting him to the warm September air outside. This visit left him just like all the other ones: cold and unsatisfied. This situation was such a fucking drag.

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my bday was yesterday so i figured i'd bless y'all after this national holiday :)

jk jk