blue gasoline ✿ nomin

046

As soon as Jeno had closed the door to his apartment behind them, Jaemin had their lips pressed together. It was the one bit of reassurance he needed to know the older didn't mean anything by not trashing that girl's number. Thankfully, the officer kissed back, but it was obvious he was confused by the sudden contact.

"What's...this...about?" Jeno asked between sloppy kisses. It wasn't that he wasn't enjoying what was happening—because he totally was—but it was unusual for it to get like this so quickly.

"Nothing," the younger replied airily, immediately diving back in to connect their lips again. He was hoping they could go all the way this time, just as he had been trying to do for months. Considering they had just gone on a romantic outing, it seemed fully possible Jeno would finally give in. If Jeno finally let it happen, that would for sure mean he was head over heels for him, especially considering how weird he was about the whole sex thing.

Jaemin could've sworn the officer was just as into it as he was until he felt the latter become hesitant once he started trying to remove his jacket. The teen's heart fell into his stomach as he pulled away and stared into Jeno's apologetic eyes.

The bubblegum-haired boy pulled himself away altogether, playing off his hurt with a soft smile. "Still no?"

"Please don't get upset," the officer said quickly, hoping this time wouldn't turn out like all the rest. The last thing he wanted was to ruin such an amazing night, but he couldn't help but feel it was doomed from the start.

Jaemin shook his head, still keeping the not-so-convincing smile plastered on his face. "I'm not. Wanna watch a movie?"

The older let out a sigh of relief as he nodded. He was seriously so blessed this didn't end how he thought it was going to.

However, he felt it wasn't that simple as they silently watched the film—no touching, weird comments, or joking involved.

🔴🔵

⚠️ THE PROCEEDING PIECE OF THE CHAPTER CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SELF HARM AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE. IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY IT, PLEASE DO NOT READ IT. I LOVE YOU ALL, PLEASE DM ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. ⚠️

"Fucking hell," the pink-haired boy croaked, watching the tears mix with blood and drip down his cheeks in the mirror.

He had already ingested so much cocaine he could've sworn he was going to die, but here he was, sobbing in his mirror with a heavy nosebleed. The drugs were supposed to help him go numb at least until he went to sleep, but it seems today not even they were enough to block out what he was feeling.

The thought of Jeno calling that beautiful woman that he could never compare to shook him to the core, and the denial of sex only built on top of that pain. He didn't blame Jeno one bit, though—instead blaming himself for being this fucked up pathetic excuse of a person. The only thing he had going for him was money, but it was obvious the officer could care less about that, so in reality, he was only some annoying kid.

He had always had the urge to hurt himself. Even though the thoughts had been there since his preteen years, they never got terrible enough for him to desire action until his sophomore year of high school. By that time, he had started sleeping around with anyone he thought could make him feel something, and having to explain large gashes on his body didn't seem very appealing. That justification thankfully kept him at bay.

That was also the year he met Dasom at a party, and they instantly clicked. It was apparent very quickly they were both struggling with whatever shit they had going on, but surprisingly they never talked about it. They both had an awful habit of stuffing all their feelings with drugs or alcohol instead of letting them be known to at least one person, but that didn't change the fact they loved each other dearly.

But one day, Dasom called Jaemin. She was sobbing uncontrollably as she told Jaemin about getting roofied at a party and some bastard taking advantage of her, but it didn't stop there. What had happened to her was recorded, and was currently spreading around the school.

Jaemin tried to be there for her as much as he could—she was one of his best friends, for god's sake—but there was only so much he could do or say after someone goes through something so traumatic. Students were relentlessly bullying her left and right, and it unsurprisingly took a toll on her.

No matter how much Jaemin supported her and promised he was always there for her that he loved her, she began drifting away. She stopped talking to everyone—Jaemin included. It hurt his feelings, but how could he be angry with her? He never stopped trying, but she did.

One day, she didn't come to school. He didn't think much of it—maybe she was sick or had an appointment. He went about his day as usual, even though it didn't feel right and the call he had missed from her the previous night that was unreturned this morning wasn't sitting well with his conscience.

That night, he received the news. She had killed herself late last night, but her parents didn't find her until this evening when they got off from work. It felt as if everything in his body had been torn in two, and the hatred for himself grew exponentially.

He never recovered from that, and it didn't seem like he ever would. He blamed himself, along with everyone else who put her through the hell that was the last few months of her life.

It took everything in him to not begin hurting himself then, but he persevered due to his radical sex life and because he knew Dasom would beat his ass if she knew he was doing such a thing.

But now, he had no sex life and he hoped Dasom of all people would understand. There were no more excuses, just pent up pain.

He dragged the blade he had acquired along his thigh, staring himself in the eye through the mirror as he did it. All the emotions swirling through his head felt like they melted out into the wound, and it made him wonder if it was worth it to not do this before now. In a haze, he created a few more gashes before tossing the bloody metal into the sink and crashing to the floor.

The pink-haired male exhaled and watched the blood leak out onto the bathroom tiles. That should've been on my goddamn throat, he thought, eyeing the largest laceration intently.

He tried to tell himself that suicide was a shitty answer, and he shouldn't be like Dasom and end up as some cringe-worthy suicide flyers. However, the idea kept getting more and more glorified in his head, and fighting the urge was hard.

———————
all the shit going on with jaemin is going to make sense eventually i promise. i know it might seem like he's overreacting a bit but once it all falls together everything he's ever done this entire time will fall in place.

i also hope no one thinks i'm romanticizing what's happening with jaemin in any way. i know how it is to struggle with self harm, suicidal thoughts, etc and i would never put it on some fucked up pedestal.

i love everyone, please take care of yourselves