blue gasoline ✿ nomin

061

When Jaemin finally exited Doctor Song's office over an hour later, he looked utterly defeated. Jeno's heart snapped into a million tiny pieces as the younger collided with his chest to get comfort in any way he could.

The officer immediately wrapped his arms around the boy, casting a questioning glance to the doctor, who was just staring at them empathetically. He had a feeling this had something to do with the diagnosis she mentioned earlier, but he didn't want to ask.

Doctor Song gave a gentle smile to Jeno before saying, "I'll see you soon, Jaemin," and retreating back to her office, leaving the couple alone in the expanse of the building.

The ravenette was surprised that Jaemin wasn't crying right now, but he wasn't going to complain. If he never had to see the teen cry again, he would be perfectly content. He stroked Jaemin's hair gingerly as if one wrong move would result in permanent damage, keen on keeping the boy calm.

"I have a fucking disorder," the blue-haired boy croaked after a while of silence. He despised how feeble the knowledge that he has a disorder made him feel. Honestly, he really didn't want to tell Jeno, but that was clearly not an option, seeing as he would find out one way or another. "Borderline personality disorder."

The way he emphasized the word disorder as if it made him strange stabbed Jeno right through the heart. Sure, he had been praying a diagnosis wouldn't have been made—and certainly not one like that—but that didn't change how he felt in the slightest. Even though he knew nothing about borderline personality disorder and what came with it, Jaemin was his Jaemin—disorder and all.

He disconnected Jaemin from his chest to cup his cheeks gently and stare into his dark chocolate eyes that had millions of emotions he couldn't even fathom floating around inside. "That doesn't matter. You're still you. You're still the flirty kid I fell in love with, and will probably love forever. You're taking steps in the right direction, and it can only go up from here, okay?"

The blue-haired boy nodded lightly, but he didn't know if he could believe that. He never seemed to believe anything Jeno says.

"C'mon, let's go home," the older smiled softly, removing his hands from his boyfriend's face in order to intertwine one of them with the latter's own and lead them out of the building.

🔴🔵

While Jaemin was in the shower later that evening, Jeno took it upon himself to do some research on what the teen had been diagnosed with. As he scrolled through countless informative articles, it pained him just how accurate they were. The breakdowns when they argued, the lashing out, the insecurity, the mood changes, the reckless behaviors—it was all right there in front of him. Everything he had thought Jaemin done because he was just Jaemin suddenly seemed so different.

He was only broken from his intense pondering when the bathroom door opened and the younger came out, hair still damp from his shower, holding a pill bottle.

"Are those your meds?" Jeno asked, trying to erase the ugly feeling in the pit of his stomach left from reading the articles.

"Yup," the younger answered simply, twisting the cap off and grabbing one of the pills from inside the container. "They said it might take close to a month to start working, though, so until then, I'm just going to have to continue being fucked up."

"You're not fucked up," the ravenette sighed, and he really meant it. He could never view Jaemin as anything below perfect because that's precisely what he was. Perfect.

The teen just shrugged, grabbing his water bottle off of the table to swallow the pill. "That thing tastes like ass."

Jeno chuckled, leaning back against the headboard as his boyfriend slithered into the covers next to him just close enough for them to not be touching. He recalled reading about how people with BPD can find themselves feeling uncertain when it comes to their relationships, and he could tell this was one of those times. Jaemin was internally debating whether Jeno would want his affection or not, running through all the possibilities of how he could annoy the latter with touching.

"You're too far away," he mumbled, leaning over to place his head on the other male's shoulder, tickling him as he exhaled through his nose.

Jaemin didn't bother to comment on how the older was acting weird, mostly because he didn't want to have a fight like the one that led to his overdose. Instead, he brought his hand up to gently pat Jeno's soft cheek before trailing it down to interlock it with one of his soft hands.

"I don't think I've ever told you that I think you're really pretty," the officer commented, flickering his eyes up to gaze softly at the face of his lover.

Instead of getting warm and shy as any other human being would, the younger shrugged Jeno's head off of his shoulder and scooted over to the far end of the bed. "Stop. This isn't you." He wanted to take the compliment, he really did, but the fact Jeno never bothered to say it until now made doing so impossible. The circle of pity had started once again, and he wanted no part in it.

Somehow brushing off the hurt, the other male sat back up and clasped his now empty hands in his lap. "The night we argued, I promised myself I was going to be the best boyfriend I could possibly be for you. The type of boyfriend who calls you names, tells you you're pretty, takes you on dates, and just constantly shows you how in love with you they are. I should've never made you feel like you had to settle for me being the epitome of what a significant other should never be."

"You're willing to do all that...for me?" Jaemin quietly asked, voice laced with disbelief. He didn't understand how someone could care enough to change completely for him. Jeno really was the most amazing person he had ever met.

The answer didn't even have the be mulled about. "Of course." He paused for a second before adding, "I'd do anything for you."

"Except have sex."

"Jaemin~," the older whined, but it suddenly hit him why said male would get so upset every time his sexual advances were denied. It made him feel rejected, and when someone with BPD feels rejected, it never goes well. Now, he understood why something he would've just put to the side was such a substantial thing to the teen.

"I'm just joking...kinda," the blue-haired boy responded with a small laugh.

"Do you want to?" Jeno inquired suddenly, despite the nervous pit in his stomach. He hadn't expected the conversation to take a turn like this, but then again, they had always been unpredictable.

"Huh?"

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finally, jaemin's problem has been revealed. i hope it clears a lot of things up that earlier in the story simply didn't make any sense why he would act that way.

additionally, this is a really difficult disorder to write about. there's definitely some things i missed that i simply couldn't figure out how to wedge them into jaemin's life/personality. i've been trying my best though, so i hope all of you are satisfied.

if there's anything i've wrote about that i shouldn't have, or anything i can do to better my story, please let me know!!