To Be

Chapter Forty-Four

I look down at my plate, eyeing the saucy chicken drumsticks and rice. Everyone already cleared their plates, including Melissa. Josh has officially started dating her and Mom insisted that he should invite her over for dinner.

I tried to make some small talk with her, but it's been pretty awkward. I can see the pity in her eyes and that deep down she wants to give me her condolences. Smart girl ends up keeping her mouth shut. Instead, she turns to my mother and smiles prettily, pearly whites glistening. "Mrs. Morganstein, the food was delicious. Thank you."

Mom beams, "Glad to hear that someone likes my cooking. Thank you."

"Hey, hey, hey." Dad puts his hands in the air defensively. "We always compliment you on your cooking."

Mom gives him a slight smirk. "Don't worry, I know. I prefer hearing it from a guest though."

I roll my eyes while Melissa looks down at her lap uncomfortably.

I don't have to have X-ray vision to know that Josh is now holding her hand underneath the table, hidden from view. 5 fingers interlaced with 5 fingers. 10 whole. Infinite. Adrian used to do the same with me and I would always smile as big as Melissa is smiling right now.

The remaining pieces of my heart shatter, scattering blood-red across the floor. I don't go to collect them.

"Shelby?" Mom's hazel eyes are solely on me. "Don't think I haven't noticed that you haven't touched your food."

I look away, guilty. Always so guilty.

Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty...

"Sorry, I have a lot on my mind right now and I'm not that hungry." Now I glance her way. "Can I be excused? I have a lot of homework to get done for tomorrow."

Mom's eyes go sad and once more I'm looking away. "Of course. Perhaps take a fruit along or something, so you don't go hungry."

"Ok," I say as I stand up. Making sure on the way out to take a banana from the banana stand on the island. Adrian loved bananas...

As I walk up the carpeted stairs, I can feel the tears that I've been trying so hard to keep back, breaking free.  They begin to roll down my cheeks, leaving snot in their trail as I hear Mom apologizing to Melissa for my behavior, "Sorry about that. Shelby has been taking the loss of Adrian roughly and hasn't really been herself lately. She's still in mourning..." That makes me cry harder as I step into my room and lock the door behind me.

In bed, I go--- blanket over my head. Everything is dark. So, so, so dark. And finally, I allow myself to smile.

My homework calls to me from my bag, but I ignore it, drowning myself in all of this darkness.

I can feel him here with me. "Adrian," I whisper. "I need you. Hold me, please."

I imagine his arms wrapping around me, drawing me in. Nice and warm. Strong. Safe. I lean back into him, falling, falling, falling in his embrace. His hot lips nuzzling my neck. His husky voice whispering in my ear words that would make any girl blush.

The darkness draws closer and now I can see him. Evergreen eyes, sparkling brighter than ever. Red-pink lips curled upwards in a smile. Golden locks, falling in a mess across his forehead.

"Adrian." I swallow the lump in my throat. "I miss you. I need you. Come to me."

But he doesn't. Because he's not really here with me.