To Be

Chapter Forty-Two

Black. That is the color of my new world. A black landscape stretching on forever. An endless, spiraling, black void--- swallowing me in over and over and over again. A world that no one else will want to be a part of, since the darkness is so thick, that it freezes those in place. No limbs can move. No lips can part and speak. Just stuck there in fear.

My world.

I gaze up at the yellow star stickers dotting my ceiling.  The ones that remind me of him. And a sob wrenches itself in my throat, choking me.

Before I know it, I am standing on my bed, 2 feet sinking into 1 soft mattress, 2 hands and 10 fingers ripping all those stars off of my ceiling. I can't have them haunting me. I can't have them constantly reminding me of him.

With a yell of frustration, I tear the stars into tiny little pieces and flush them down the toilet in the bathroom. I then walk over to the picture frame, the picture of us holding onto each other happily on prom night, and with shaking hands, I bury it all the way at the bottom of my junk drawer.

Adrian and Shelby forever. Round and round I twist the ring on my finger. Down and down my tears roll. I pull the ring off and throw it against the wall, watching it land under the window. Under the window that I used to sneak out of to meet up with him.

Adrian and Shelby forever. Not anymore.

I'm buried underneath my blankets, frozen in place when Mom enters my room. My aching eyes due to so much crying refuses to look at her, instead, they stare unwaveringly at the ceiling which is no longer dotted with yellow stars.

"Shelby?" she whispers my name. "It's almost time. Do you need help getting ready?"

I manage to shake my head, 'no'.

She looks at me, her gaze full of pity and if I had the strength to get up and strangle her--- I would. I don't want her pity. Not now. Not ever. "Ok. I'll be waiting downstairs for you."

I say nothing. Just watch her go.

With her gone, I drag myself out of bed, and slowly and painfully go to get ready.

My tears don't stop falling.

***

All in black we stand. All in black we share a moment of mournful silence. All in black Mr. Malik steps forward, his face stone cold.

As he speaks, I look down at my fingers--- knotted together. His words go through 1 ear and out the other. All I could think of is how this grave is going to be missing a body. A dead body that is still somewhere out there. All alone in the big, bad world.

I promised to keep him safe inside my arms. I failed.

Now all that is being buried is his army jacket which was found full of bullet holes outside the enemy base, not far from where the other soldier's body was left.

I failed. But also his family failed him. All Adrian wanted was to go to architect school. To be free from becoming a soldier. From being in the army. His family pushed him to go. His family is to blame.

I hate them.

My knotted fingers dig into my flesh, my body overflowing with anger. A beast ready to attack and consume all of those in its path. Adrian is dead because of Mr. Malik and Joel.

I'm going to kill them.

"Shelby?"

I look up to see all of those gathered eyes on me. And for a moment I am afraid that I have spoken my plot out loud, but then I realize that the reason why Mr. Malik just called me out is because he wants me to say some kind words about Adrian.

I have a lot to say, believe me. But when I open up my mouth to speak all that comes out is a choked sob.

Pity. That is the look in everyone's eyes as they watch me drown in my tears.

Gazing down at the grassy ground, I give a small shake of my head and with that, Joel takes the hint and steps forward delivering his own speech.

What is the point of my 2 lips if they can't make any noise? Besides for these wrenching sobs.

When the funeral is over, everyone trickles away, but I stay firmly in my spot watching the last grains of dirt being dumped onto the grave. And then those men who buried the oak brown casket I refused to look at leave too and I'm all alone.

With trembling fingers, I unclasp his mother's necklace. The necklace he gave to me months ago. Before I knew he was going to join the army. Before I knew all the worries for him were going to come. When he was still alive and breathing.

I step forward, before his grave. Hands shaking. Tears falling. And then I'm crouching, not caring about the dirt that's dirtying my black tights. And with my shaking hands, I bury his mother's necklace right under the marble tombstone. Adrian Malik. 19 years old. A loving son, brother, and friend.

That's when I sense him watching me and I'm looking up into those metallic gray eyes. Pity, pity, pity that is all I ever see these days reflecting off eyes, eyes, eyes.

I say nothing. Today I am not in the mood of being a part of Levi Cruze's shenanigans.

He crouches down beside me, his hand on my shoulder and still I say nothing.

"I'm sorry for your loss," he says.

My 2 lips still can't make any noise.

"I didn't get to know Adrian for that long, but he seemed like a great guy from what I heard. And I know that you loved him very much, which also shows that he must have been a great guy. This world is going to miss him."

Finally, my lips manage to speak, just 1 word. "Love."

Levi looks confused. "What?"

"You said I loved him, but I still love him and I will always love him. Never ever will it be in the past tense."

"I'm sorry."

I look away from his eyes and turn my back on him. I am done with talking.

I can hear him standing up and brushing off his black suit pants. "If you need someone to talk to--- you know where to find me." And then comes the crunching of the worn winter leaves as he walks away, leaving me once again all alone.

Ignoring the chills spreading through my body and in my bones, I double over his grave--- drowning once more in all of my tears.

***

When I return to school, I am all dressed in black. Black hoodie, blank tank, black leggings, and black combat boots. Mom tried to get me to wear some color, but I just shook my head at her before walking out the door also clad in Dad's old, baggy, black coat.

Sierra and Ellie are waiting for me at my locker. Sad eyes seeking me out. Watching my face carefully.

I force a small smile. Trying to play it bravely.

"How are you doing?" Ellie asks. The worst question to ask someone who is mourning.

I look at her blankly. "I've been better."

She and Sierra share a look. And then Sierra speaks, "You've been ignoring all our calls and texts.   We're worried about you Shelly. Why won't you talk to us?"

"Maybe because I'm not interested in talking," I say as I slam my locker shut. "Now if you'll excuse me--- I'd rather not be late for my next class."

I don't wait to hear what else they have to say. I'm already walking off, my heart pounding.

I wish all of this darkness would just claim me already. And swallow me whole.

I am ready to drown. In all of this blackness.