To Be

Chapter Sixteen

I stare at the small, yellow pill in my hand as if I were back in class examining it under the microscope. These small, insignificant pills are meant to keep me sane. It's so interesting how something so small can have such a big impact.

4 fingers curl around the pill, crushing it and leaving in its wake yellow dust. I wipe my palm on a tissue all clean, clean, clean. I then eye the rest of the pills wondering if they are doing their job. Are they really keeping me sane? Because I don't feel like they are. I've been having these nightmares, these breakdowns...

I'm still crazy.

Releasing a frustrated groan, I begin to rub at my aching eyes, leaving a trail of eyeliner and mascara on my cheeks. Bleep.

"Everything alright?" Mom stands in the doorway, laundry basket in hand.

"Yeah, just fine," I say, placing the pill bottle back into my drawer.

"Good." She steps into the room a small smile playing on her face. "I have all your freshly washed laundry."

"Thanks." I take the basket from her, balancing it on my hip. "Don't worry, I'll put it all away."

"Perfect. Please come down in twenty minutes for dinner."

"Got it."

She leaves, closing the door behind her. With her gone, I put the laundry basket down on my bed and quickly clean up the evidence of the crushed pill by tossing the tissue into the toilet and flushing it. No one needs to know that I wasted 1 of my precious pills. Meds that cost a fortune. Meds that are supposed to work, but aren't.

I'll never be sane, so why keep trying.

***

Josh sits next to me at dinner, which is a big improvement. Mom and Dad seem a bit surprised that we are willing to sit so close to each other when we usually sit at opposite ends. Things do change, why be so surprised?

I poke at the chicken drumstick---poke, poke, poke.

"Can you please stop playing with your food," Mom scolds.

"Sorry," I mumble, cutting a piece off of the drumstick and eating it like a well-behaved girl.

We finish the meal in silence.

As I'm placing the dishes into the dishwasher, Josh asks, "Want to join me on my jog?"

I look at him, flabbergasted. Am I hearing correctly?

"Hello?" He wiggles his dirty-blonde eyebrows at me.

"Yeah, sure," I finally manage to get out. "Give me a few minutes to go change."

He smiles brightly. "Take your time."

I try not to.

***

I bend over panting for breath. 1-2-3-4-5-6...

"Oh come on." Josh is smirking at me. "Don't you walk to school every day? How are you not in shape?"

I glower at him. "I am in shape. We've been jogging all over town for the past forty-five minutes. Can't a girl catch her breath?"

His smirk spreads. "A girl that's not in shape can take as many breaths as she needs."