Hiding From Us

51. shain

I took him to my bedroom and closed the door behind us, at which he raised his eyebrows at, but followed me nonetheless. 

     I said, ‘‘Are you gonna tell me what your favourite song is?

     ‘‘What?’’

     ‘‘You said it in one of your crazy voicemails, remember? Dude, I want to know what your favourite song is.’’

     Liam blinked at me like the question didn’t make sense. Then he said, ‘‘Angels, by Owl City.’’

     ‘‘Really? It’s kind of a weird song.’’

     ‘‘You’re kind of a weird song.’’

     ‘‘Shut up. Why is it your favourite song, then?’’

     He hesitated. He looked past me at the closed door and then to his left at the bed. I wanted so badly to know what he was thinking.

     Before either of us could say anything, he moved forward, took my face in both of his hands, and pressed his mouth to mine. I only hesitated a brief second before kissing him back. His lips were slightly chapped and warm, and the kiss was incredibly gentle. Tentatively, I reached up and tangled my fingers in his hair, just because I could, and Liam sighed in response.

     In the back of my head, this little thing called Erick kept poking me, but I pushed it away firmly. 

     ‘‘The song reminds me of you,’’ he said as he pulled back. 

     I took a deep breath. ‘‘Angels does?’’

     ‘‘Yeah. It’s so raw. It’s very Shain-like, you know?’’ He kissed me again. I was surprised at how our lips seemed to fit together so perfectly. Even though this was only our third or fourth kiss (counting the one he was dared to do) it already felt natural, like this was really supposed to happen, even though it wasn’t. 

     I pulled my hands out of his mess of hair and down to his hips, where I hooked my thumbs into his sweatpants. 

     ‘‘Your parents,’’ Liam gasped. 

     How was he more intoxicated with this than I was? ‘‘They’re out,’’ I answered. 

     He moved his mouth to my jawline, and then slowly dragged it down my neck. Shivers erupted all over my spine. 

     ‘‘Damien,’’ he murmured.

     His touches were soft like butterfly wings. I whispered, ‘’He won’t mind.’’

     Slowly, carefully, hesitantly, I moved my fingers up from his waistband and to the hem of his shirt. His muscles tensed, and I thought that maybe I’d gone too far, but he just let out a sigh and met my eyes in a silent approval to keep going. I remembered how scrawny and thin Erick was, and I wondered if Liam—who had also been scrawny and thin—had changed his physical form during the months he’d been gone.

     Clumsily, we collapsed on the bed, and I had a brief moment of panic: I’d never slept with a guy before. (Actually, that was a lie. On the night of our first kiss, Erick and I had fallen asleep together in his sleeping bag. But what Liam and I were doing now—that was untouched territory.) What the hell was I supposed to do? It wasn’t like I’d thought to bring protection or anything. And I remembered how self-conscious I was about my body; even wearing low-cut T-shirts made me feel vulnerable and exposed. 

     Liam sat against the wall and pulled me closer so that I was straddling him. I found it kind of awkward that I was wearing these old jeans of mine and he was wearing sweatpants that made him look really sexy (the Erick thing in my mind poked me hard), but he rested his hands on my thighs and I kind of forgot that I was just wearing old jeans and sighed a little as he touched his lips to mine again.

     ‘’I—’’ Stuttering, I tried to figure how to tell him that I wasn’t ready for this, that I wasn’t prepared, that I was too nervous about sleeping with my best friend. What would you call that—friends with benefits? ‘’I don’t—there’s no protection,’’ I managed. 

     Several emotions crossed his face: confusion, shock, concern, amusement. 

     ‘‘Don’t freak,’’ he said, his voice low. ‘’I wasn’t—we don’t have to.’’

     ‘‘You don’t want to?’’

     He slid his warm hands up the back of my shirt; I shivered. ‘’I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for. You and Erick—you guys—you never—’’

     ‘’No,’’ I said quickly, because I wanted to assure him and I wanted to push this conversation away as fast as I could. ‘’No. We didn’t.’’

     ‘‘Ever? Have you done what we’re doing now?’’

     I could see where he was going with this, so I kissed him. I said, ‘‘You don’t have any competition with this, okay?’’

     His eyes stayed closed. ‘‘Okay,’’ he whispered. 

     So we continued to kiss, and I forgot everything around me as I became mesmerized with his hands, his lips, his hair, his smell. Before tonight, I could have never imagined myself making out with my best friend, and here we were now. It was better than I had expected. Later, he locked eyes me with, asking for permission quietly, and then he tugged my shirt off slowly. Immediately I felt self-conscious, but he just kept kissing me and massaged my skin slowly with his fingers, and the worry slowly dissipated. I kept thinking, This is extremely unfair, so I ended up taking his shirt off, too, though I yanked it off a bit harder than the way he’d taken off mine. And then I found myself staring instead of kissing. 

     ‘‘What?’’ Liam hissed.

     I giggled nervously. ‘‘You have abs.’’

     And he did. Before he’d left for Australia, he been this freckled, skinny boy with twigs for limbs. And in the eighteen months that he’d been gone for, he’d somehow managed to get this six-pack. It wasn’t incredibly defined, but it was there. 

     ‘‘Track team,’’ Liam said. 

     ‘‘What?’’

     ‘’At my school. I was forced to join the track team, and the coach made us do, like, five-minute planks every practice.’’

     ‘‘Sounds harsh.’’

     ‘’It payed off,’’ he replied with a smirk. ‘’I had to come back with something to impress you, right?’’

     ‘‘Shut up.’’ I kissed him again and leaned forward, pressing my hand against his muscled stomach. It kind of went on like that for a while, just us kissing and slowly touching skin with our hands, until I looked at the digital alarm on my bedside table and panicked; it was almost one a.m. Liam noticed, too, and gave me a long lingering kiss before settling down on my left and pressing up against my back, spooning me. I pulled the covers up and closed my eyes. 

     ‘’I can’t believe I just made out with my best friend,’’ I whispered.

     Liam pressed his lips to the back of my neck. 

     ‘’Me neither,’’ he replied, ‘‘but it happened.’’