Hiding From Us

39. jared

Lindsey was being a bitch tonight. 

     I really didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be home, and I wanted to be in a chair or a bed, and I wanted some sort of poison to take me away from this world. I wasn’t a virgin to the world of drugs or alcohol, but I wasn’t a regular customer. Tonight, though, I wanted to be the first guy who signed up and the last guy who left. 

     i want out

     Jordyn made us all get up and move to the gym, where she and Zack danced together, but with no explicitly exaggerated moves. I could tell that Lindsey wasn’t quite sure what to do with me, and she tried to get me to dance, but I wasn’t in the mood. 

     Rosie was dying. 

     She didn’t know it. But everybody else did. And that was what made it terrible. 

     i want out

     P!nk’s Blow Me (One Last Kiss) came on, and it was Lindsey’s favourite song, and we had this silent agreement that if it ever came on when we were together, we would dance like our lives depended on it. I wasn’t one for dancing, really, but I did know a few moves from my Shane Sparks obsession when I was about eleven. Usually she would raise her hands above her head and I would twirl her and she would laugh as I attempted to moonwalk. I wasn’t a terrible dancer, but I wasn’t sensational, either, and Lindsey was just as bad, so it was kind of fun, most of the time. 

     But tonight—

     i want out

     ‘’Oh. My. God.’’ Lindsey stopped in her tracks and let go of my hand. She was deathly beautiful tonight in a bloodred dress. ‘‘What is up with you tonight, Jared?!’’

     I didn’t say anything. The shirt she’d forced me to put on was so tight. I wanted to go home and swallow a tablet with something alcoholic, and then I wanted to shove a dangerous aroma into my nostrils and slip a needle into my wrist. 

     Lindsey stared at me. Her eyeliner was thick and dark. 

     I said, my words tight, ‘’I—tonight, I mean—you just—I can’t—’’ but my words made no sense.

     P!nk sang, ‘’I think I’ve had enough of this / blow me one last kiss.’’

     Lindsey got this look in her kohl-rimmed eyes. 

     ‘‘Jared,’’ she said, and nothing else, and for some reason, I followed her. I followed her out of the gym and down the hallways, avoiding teachers, until we reached the band room. I had absolutely no idea why we were in here. Lindsey played the flute in her band class, along with Kim O’Brien and Henry Stewarts, but she hated to play it, and I wasn’t sure why she would want to play it now. 

     I said, ‘‘What.’’

     She took my hand and lead me into one of the soundproof practicing rooms. There was a keyboard and a couple of music stands and a few chairs, but it was empty, and it was chokingly silent. Lindsey locked the door behind us. 

     i want out

     I said, ‘‘God, what are you up to?’’

     She moved forward. Her lips hit my mouth and she pressed her body up against mine, trailing her hands over my thighs and down my chest and through my hair. I could feel my muscles tightening, but when I touched her skin, she was so loose. She was relaxed. Which meant that she had an idea and she was ready to perform it.