Hiding From Us

45. shain

‘‘How come you and Cris weren’t at the dance last night?’’ I asked Megan.

     She looked at me. She was curling her hair even though we’d be going to bed in an hour or two. ‘’We were gonna go,’’ she said quietly, ‘‘but I got to his place and his parents were out and nobody was coming home for a while so, um, we went to his room and kinda stayed there, I guess.’’

     ‘‘You ‘stayed there’,’’ I said, making quotation marks. ‘‘What does that mean?’’

     ‘‘Umm. Well. Let’s just say that we started to watch a movie and then we started making out and we did some other stuff and . . .’’ She failed off and looked down. God, was she blushing? Megan hardly blushed. She said, ‘‘Basically, we did what Sasha and Darrin used to do all the time.’’

     I frowned at her. I said, ‘‘Sasha and Darrin did a lot of things all the time.’’

     She said, ‘‘Yes, they did.’’

     I said, ‘‘What specifically do you mean? You’re still a virgin, right?’’

     Megan whispered, ‘’No.’’ 

     On the TV, Hozier’s Take Me To Church crooned softly, because Megan’s room didn’t have a stereo, so she listened to the music channel. Her parents and sister had gone to bed half an hour ago, but I could hear the soft steps of her sister’s dog, Pico, padding gently through the hall. The whole place was deadly silent. 

     Then I said, ‘‘Holy shit.’’

     Megan grimaced at me like she was afraid that I was mad at her and I would run out the door and tell her parents or something, but that wasn’t how I felt. I was in shock, honestly. I knew her and Cris were serious, but I didn’t know they were this serious.

     ‘’So you actually—’’ damn, I was stuttering, I really hated this ‘‘—you actually—like, for real—God, please tell me you used protection.’’

     ‘‘Yes, Shain,’’ Megan said, exasperated. ‘‘I’m not stupid.’’

     ‘‘But you’re also not a virgin anymore.’’

     ‘‘Shain.’‘ She was starting to sound really irritated now, so I stopped. Quieter, she said, ‘‘It’s not a big deal. It’s done. It’s not like I can build a time machine and go back and change it.’’

     I laughed a bit. ‘’If Liam were here, he’d be like, ‘That’d be so coooooool.’’’ 

     ‘‘Yeah. Hey, how are things between him and you? Has he tried to kiss you again?’’

     ‘’No. Actually, I kissed him on the cheek last night and he totally kinda freaked out on me, so maybe I’m making all the wrong moves now.’’

     Megan frowned. ‘‘Why did you kiss him on the cheek?’’

     Because Erick was kissing another girl, and I was just thanking Liam for trying to cheer me up. I wanted to say it, but I couldn’t. I honestly wasn’t sure of what had been going through my head lately. Ever since the dance, ever since that moment, I felt countless emotions inside of me—disappointment, sadness, confusion, hurt, but there was one that really tore me down. Betrayal. I wasn’t sure if Erick had started the kiss or if Hannah had. I wasn’t sure if he’d been lying to me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be around him anymore.

     I couldn’t trust him. I wanted to, and I didn’t want to. Either way, it hurt too much. 

     let go of him

     I let all of it spill out to Megan—the whole dance from beginning to end. I didn’t really look at her when I spoke, so when I did finish talking and glanced up, she had this look of pity on her face, which I had never really received from her. It made me feel a little funny inside.

     I said, ‘‘You look extremely concerned. That must mean that this is bad.’’ 

     ‘‘Shain,’’ she whispered, ‘‘you’re crying.’’

     At first I didn’t believe her, but as I thought of something funny to say in return, something wet slid over my lips and into my mouth. It tasted like salt. I raised a hand to my cheek and touched it, and it was wet, and I didn’t really know why.  

     That night, after that moment, when I was slowly breaking into a million pieces, Liam had said, Are you gonna show your true colors or are you gonna cover them up?

     Megan had never seen me cry. Nobody had, really. She was looking at me with this mix of pity, apprehension, concern, and awkwardness. Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure what to do. 

     I started to say, ‘‘God, I’m sorry—’’ but I choked, and I inhaled sharply, which was full proof that I was crying. ‘‘I’m sorry. Um. I guess I’m not usually like this.’’ I tried to laugh a little, so that she would see that I was okay, but it turned into a sob, and I covered my mouth. I wasn’t sure if I was embarrassed to cry in front of my best friend or if all this was just because I hadn’t cried in so long. 

     Then I felt Megan’s arms wrap around me, and I leaned into her shoulder. She smelt like strawberries. She only hugged me sometimes, and when she did, it was a goofy, appreciative hug. She never hugged me out of sympathy. But then again, I never cried.

     After I’d gotten the worst out, Megan made hot chocolate and played my new favourite song (Rollercoaster by Bleachers) on her phone while I laid on her bed and tried to push the sadness out of me. 

     ‘‘Boys are assholes,’’ she said.

     I said, ‘‘All the boys in the world need to be divided into two categories: assholes and non-assholes. Well, actually, we’d call them the Simpletons and the Starks.’’

     ‘‘All right, Ms. Watts. Are you going to write a book about this? Will it be called Divergent?’’ 

     I grinned a little. ‘‘Shut up. It’s just a theory.’’

     ‘’Mm-hmm. So what’re you gonna do about Erick?’’ She took a sip of her hot chocolate. ‘‘Forgive him? Stab him with a knife? Give him the silent treatment? ‘Cause I’m good with either one of those.’’

     ‘‘You and Liam both,’’ I murmured. ‘’I don’t know, really. I’m extremely confused.’’

     ‘‘And sad.’’

     ‘‘Yes.’’

     Megan said, ‘‘Shain. Do you love him?’’

     ‘‘Yes.’’ I said it so quickly that it surprised me. Maybe I loved him so much that I could say it even on autopilot. That was a good sign, hopefully. 

     ‘’So fix it,’’ Megan said. ‘‘Fix your relationship.’’

     I said, ‘‘It’s not that easy.’’

     She said, ‘‘Cris and I were in the middle of this huge argument yesterday. Then I got to his place and we . . . we did what we did, and now we’re okay. We just did it.’’

     ‘’So you’re saying I should lose my virginity to Erick.’’

     She laughed. ‘’I didn’t say that. I’m saying that you guys just need to forget about what’s bugging you and just trust your instincts. And if you can’t, then he’s not worth fighting for.’’

     ‘‘When did you become a junior psychologist?’’

     Megan shrugged. ‘‘Just now. I think you have that effect on people when you start crying.’’