Hiding From Us

26. erick

It was safe to say that I was more surprised than Shain was. 

     I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. My brain stopped and my body froze, and all I could do was stare as this Australian guy who I didn’t really know kissed my girlfriend. Damn. She’d said they were friends. 

     All eyes were on Liam and Shain. All eyes were on me.

     He kissed her so, so gently; it reminded me of the first kiss she’d given me back in May, in New Denver with Cori and Megan. His eyes were closed. One of his hands was locked in a tight fist near Shain’s shoulder; I could tell he wanted to touch her, but he was extremely hesitant. 

     Shain’s eyes were closed, too. No, they weren’t closed—her eyelids were low; she might’ve been staring at the freckles on his cheeks to distract herself. Her posture had not changed.

     I had to keep faith that she wasn’t enjoying this, that she would be totally pissed at him afterwards, that this meant nothing to her. 

     Liam pulled away. He opened his kaleidoscopic eyes. 

     Shain took a breath. In. Out. 

     Don’t, I thought. Don’t think this is going to mean something.

     Then Parker laughed. Robin shot him a look, so he turned it into a cough. Around us, people started moving. Just light movements: brushing back hair, adjusting their positions, looking away in shame at having watched or at awkwardness. 

     We were back in the real world. 

     I needed to speak. Shain had opened her eyes wide now and was staring at Liam. Her expression had gone from clueless to hurt in a matter of seconds. 

     Rage boiled inside of me. Suddenly I was very warm and very irritated. I said, ‘‘What the hell.’’ It came out as a growl, and it wasn’t a question. 

     Shain looked away, at her Chuck Taylors. 

     I said again, ‘‘What the hell.’’

     Everyone around us was starting to get uncomfortable. Robin gave one of her earbuds to Kim so they could listen to music. Parker touched the ring on Leigh’s pinky gingerly. Grace rested her head on Adrian’s shoulder and closed her eyes tightly. Now it was just Henry, Liam, Shain, and me who were not oblivious to the conversation. Henry, however, was just there for Liam since they were buddies now. 

     Liam sat still. He was looking at Shain like he wanted an apology from her.

     God. Something spasmed inside me. 

     ‘‘Dude,’’ I said. ‘’Okay, look. Incase you haven’t noticed, I—she—she has a boyfriend.’’

     Shain said, ‘‘Erick,’’ very quietly.

     ‘’I—yeah. I know.’’ Liam swallowed. He was still looking at her. ‘‘Dude. It was a dare, man.’’

     That was true. It had been a dare. But the way he kissed her wasn’t a let’s-just-do-this-for-fun-and-then-forget-about-it moment. It was real. He’d wanted more. I could see it in the way he’d almost touched her, the way he’d closed his eyes, the way he’d put his lips to hers so gently, like a whisper. 

     She’s mine. 

     I wanted to tell him everything that had just run through my head. I wanted to tell him that even though he might be in love with her, she loved me, and she was mine. 

     Instead, I looked away at Shain’s Chuck Taylors. They were worn and faded; I felt just like them. Or maybe they felt just like me. 

     I said, ‘’I don’t want to see you kissing her again.’’ Then I realized there was a loophole to that, so I rephrased it. ‘’I don’t want you to kiss her again.’’

     Liam looked at me. ‘‘She’s not a . . . thing. She’s not something that you can buy, you know. She can take care of herself.’’ 

     A swearword formed on my lips and was about to be spat at him. 

     Shain said, ‘‘Liam, stop.’’

     He did. He loved her. 

     Silence was thrown over us like a blanket. Kim and Henry were having a muted discussion now, so it was just the three of us. What have we gotten into? 

     She turned to me. In a hushed whisper, she said, ‘’I didn’t kiss him back.’’

     I said, ‘‘You what?’’

     ‘’I didn’t kiss him back.’’ Her eyes were wet. 

     Relief flooded over me. She didn’t care. This meant nothing. She was still mine. A thousand times I have loved you and a thousand times I have let you go. 

     ‘‘Please don’t get pissed at him again,’’ she breathed, eyes closed. ‘’I hate it when you get so damn tense.’’

     It surprised me when she swore; she, like, never swore. And it surprised me even more when she pressed her lips to mine so, so softly. It was the ghost of a kiss. The breath of a stolen kiss. I pulled away first and rested my forehead on hers, gently tugging on the strands of hair not hidden by her toque. 

     This girl, and this moment, and this life. 

     I whispered, ‘’I love you.’’

     ‘’I love you, too.’’ She kissed me again, slightly firmer than the last one. I felt Liam’s stare on us, but it didn’t matter, because right now she was mine, and I wasn’t going to let her go. 

    A few minutes later, Robin cleared her throat. She said, ‘’I think the game’s done.’’