sparky // a padawan story

chapter 35. lies.

It's been a long few days, to say the absolute least.
I spend all my time in my quarters, avoiding everyone. Still. I haven't slept or ate. Just the occasional glass of water here and there. The only person I've let in is Ahsoka, who walks through my door just now as I stare up at the ceiling.
"Hey, Lo, how're you holding up?" she questions as she sits at the end of my bed.
"Not great."
"Mm. I'm sorry. I hope you've at least eaten a little something, though."
"I have," I lie.
"Right. Well, I came because Master Yoda sent for you. I think he has something to tell you."
"Whatever it is, can wait."
"Arlo... I think you should hear what he has to say. It may help."
I sigh and sit up. "Fine."
"I'll let you get changed out of those old clothes, then. See you later, Lo." She exits my room as I stand from my bed. She was right about the old clothes. I haven't changed since it happened. And now that she's pointed it out, I feel disgusting. I put my old clothes in a pile in the corner of my bathroom and take a long shower. While I rinse the soap off my arm, my fingers graze over the white scar on my left arm from the dagger on Mortis. One of the many times he'd been left to save my skin, and he always came through. Now it's just another reminder that I couldn't save him. Even though he told me not to blame myself in the letter, which wasn't even intended for this situation anyway, I took full blame.
I get out of the shower and dry myself off, then put on a fresh pair of the same clothes I had on. I pull my hair back into the usual ponytail, a couple of strands coming loose out in the front, padawan braid dangling below my ear. I feel a lot less filthy, for sure, but my face is still tight from the dried tears, and the whites of my eyes are still streaked with red, making my blue irises less vivid. The spark in them is long lost, now replaced by the come-when-they-feel tears. I wrap my black belt back around the obi on my tunic and slip my black boots back on as well, then exit back out into the main room. I put my arm guards back on and think back to the first day Obi-Wan and I met, when he did it for me. Force, this is horrible. Every single thing I try to do reminds me of him. I put on a fresh robe and put up the hood, then exit my quarters towards the meditation room Yoda can usually be found in. The door opens as I approach.
"Padawan Arlo. Come, have a seat," Master Yoda says, gesturing to the ottoman in front of him. I sit on it, crisscross.
"Look, Master Yoda, I really don't—"
"Something I need you to see, there is, Padawan. Close your eyes. Clear your mind." I close my eyes and try to relax, but I can't bring myself to settle.
"I can't. I'm sorry."
"Understand, I do. But a lesson, there is, to be learned from this. A lesson in letting go. Mourn, do not, any longer. For when one close to you, you lose, become one with the Force, they do. Let go of everything you fear to lose, you must. However, not why I brought you here, that is. Concentrate on meditation." I nod, taking a deep breath and shutting my eyes. "What do you see, Padawan?"
"...Nothing."
"Trying, are you?"
"No, that's actually what I see, Master Yoda. I see... the black hole. I'm being sucked out of it. Out... it's Obi-Wan's bullet wound. I'm back where it happened. The funeral. The beam of light from his tomb. My screams." I feel a tear fall down my cheek. "Putting me to sleep. But I'm not in my own body now, I'm standing to the side... wait... who's that? Is that...? Why is he there? He killed him!"
"What did they do to her?" he asks Masters Windu and Yoda as they walk into the hospital room. He's muscular and has a menacing, tattooed face.
"Heard her screaming, you did. A sedative, they gave her, so relax, she could," Master Yoda tells him.
"Master Yoda, she hates sedatives." But why does he know that?
"According to Master Plo, the... the black hole, as they call it, is back. That's troubling," Master Windu says.
His face falls. "...W-What?"
"Needs rest, she does. A long day, she has had. Worried, I am, because overly attached, she very obviously is."
"But Master, you must understand—"
"I do understand. But train her better, you must, to not fear letting go."
"...I will." Wait a second... could he be...?
"We should get to work, then," Master Windu tells him.
"Can I... have a minute, before we go?"
"Make it quick," Master Windu says. The two of them walk out of the room. He walks up to my bedside and sits on the end, taking my hand in both of his.
"Arlo... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I guess... I just didn't realize the full consequences of the mission when I agreed to this. And I probably still don't. I'm not proud of lying to you, and Anakin and Ahsoka. I'm not proud of pretending to die." His eyes start to water. "Because I swore I'd never hurt you, but by doing this, I am. I know I am. When I heard you talking to me through the Force, trying to reach me, thinking I was gone... I heard you, Arlo, and I automatically regretted everything. But I have to go through with it now. I just... I hope you'll understand why I'm doing this. I hope you'll trust me again someday."
"He's... he's alive. Obi-Wan is alive?" My breathing gets heavier as I feel myself fill with an unseething rage. I stand up angrily from the ottoman. "You... you liar!"
"Proud of deceiving you, I am not, as your Master was not, either. But—"
"I can't believe you! I trusted you! The Council has gone way too far this time, they really have. I just don't understand! How do you expect a traumatized child to practically be adopted by someone that can be looked at as a father figure, have him practically raise her, put them through absolute hell together, and then expect said child to not get attached? Hell, how do you expect the master to not get attached, too? And then you send him on a mission which requires him to fake his death! And you expect me to not be upset? And then you just don't tell me. You didn't even tell me! And now I'm supposed to learn to let go and not be angry? I know the Order has done questionable stuff during this war, but Force, you all have kriffing lost it this time! You've lost it."
"Understand you're upset, Padawan, but the anger, you need to let go of. Your fear of loss leads to anger, and anger leads to—"
"I know what it leads to, and frankly, right now, I'm not gonna let it go! You may not think of it like this, but every single one of you betrayed me. Even Obi-Wan did!" I turn to storm out of the room.
"Wait, Arlo. Going, where are you?"
"Anywhere but here." The door opens for me as I exit and I slam it back closed with the Force as I leave. Tears stream out of my eyes as I run down the temple halls, the hood of my robe falling down, and the cape of it flapping behind me.
"Padawan Arlo, are you okay?"
"Hey, Arlo— woah, what happened?"
"Arlo, slow down!"
I don't listen to any of them. I run down the stairs of the temple towards the Senate building, and I don't stop until I get there. I continue running through the Senate halls.
"That's Arlo Just!"
"Poor thing, her master just died. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Great man."
"What's she doing here?"
"Arlo! Hey, Arlo, what's wrong?" Padmé jogs after me through the halls. She eventually catches up to me and steps in front of me to stop me.
"Padmé, I need Satine, please take me to Satine—"
"Okay, calm down, follow me, I'll get you Satine, it'll be okay. Just breathe." At those words, I realize how out of breath I am. I really ran the whole entire way here without stopping. "Satine!"
"Yes, Padmé—? Oh, Arlo, dear. What's wrong?" She jogs over to us and takes me in her arms. "Thank you, Padmé, I can't take care of her from here. Arlo, will you tell me what's wrong? Please?"
"Satine, it's— it's Obi-Wan, but we c-can't talk about it here."
"Alright, dear, come with me. We can go to my room." She places a hand on my back as she walks us out of the main part of the Senate building and over to a nearby building up into her room. She sits me on the couch. "Do you want tea?"
I reply through sniffs. "Yes, p-please."
"Alright, give me a minute, then, okay?" I nod as she walks into the kitchen and starts on the tea. A minute or so later, she walks back out. "It's steeping right now, it will be ready in a few minutes. So what is it about Obi-Wan?"
"Satine... he's alive."
Her jaw drops. "What? How... how is that possible?"
"I really don't know. All I found out was he went on a mission for the Council the required him to take his death in order to go undercover as the bounty hunter that killed him."
"Well, I'm relieved to hear he's alive, Arlo, but you don't seem like you feel the same."
"Of course I'm happy he's alive. But I... I feel betrayed. He lied to me. The whole Council did. I'm outraged. Not only did they lie about my master's— no, practically my father's— death, they let me drown in my own guilt and grief for days, and still didn't think to try and tell me the truth. And then, once they finally come clean, they tell me to not be angry? To not become attached to the man who pretty much raised me? Like I told Master Yoda, I know we've done questionable things during the war, but this is too far."
"I agree with you, Arlo, it was wrong of them. And I'm so, so sorry they put you through that. But I don't think Obi-Wan would have ever done that to intentionally hurt you, he cares for you far too much to do that."
"I don't know. I don't know who I can trust anymore."
"That's completely valid to feel that way. And know that you can always trust me, dear, I mean that."
"So now what do I do?"
"I say the most logical thing to do is go and ask the Council about it. About the mission, why they felt the need to hide it from you. What you can do to help."
"But I can't trust them, can I?"
"That trust may be damaged, yes, but I think you still need to ask. Maybe it will change how you feel about it. The Jedi are good people, as has been proven many times, so I don't think they had malintentions when making this decision. I'm sure they know now that it was wrong."
I sigh. "You're right. Thank you, Satine."
"You're most welcome, dear. Now let me go get the tea, it's should be done by now. You can calm down in here, then I do think you should ask the Council. Obviously this mission is very important if they held a fake funeral for him." She stands up from the couch and enters the kitchen, returning with two cups of tea and spoons, and a bowl of sugar. She puts half a scoop of it into her tea and stirs it. I take my own spoon and put the usual two scoops into mine. We drink our tea in a comfortable silence for a while, until I speak up.
"It is a weight off my shoulder, knowing that he's okay. If he even survives this mission," I tell her. "But I don't even know how I'm gonna react when I see him again. I can't tell if I'll be happy or mad."
"You won't know until it happens, then, will you? You just have to wait and see. And I think, either way, it's a completely rational reaction. And it's even okay to feel both at once. This isn't exactly a normal situation."
"It's really not at all. I'm starting to get really anxious about getting these answers, though."
"Then go and get them. I'll be here if you need me."
"How much longer will you be on Coruscant?"
"Through the end of next week, I believe. Our senator has needed a lot of my input on matters recently."
"Ah. Well, I hope to see you soon, then."
"You as well. Good luck. Well, actually, I shouldn't say that, because if you're like Obi-Wan, there's no such thing as luck. Let's say 'I hope it goes well' instead."
I giggle. "Thank you for everything, Satine."
"I'm always here for you, Arlo."
—
I take a deep breath as I make my way to the High Council chamber, completely uninvited. The doors open, and all of the masters' eyes fall on me, waiting for me to say something.
"I have questions."
"And we have answers," Master Windu says, waving me in. I walk to the center of the chamber. I feel unsettled. I can't bring myself to completely trust them. But I need my answers. And I need them now.
"Expecting you, we were, Padawan Arlo," Master Yoda says. "What questions, have you?"
"First of all, I want the full story behind the mission and what exactly he's doing."
"There's been a plot to kidnap the Chancellor," Master Windu starts. "Schemed up by Separatist mastermind Moralo Eval, who has close ties to Count Dooku himself. The best way to find out the truth behind this plan was to have one of us go undercover to find out the truth, and we knew Obi-Wan was our best bet. There was no other way to have him disappear without suspicions than to have him 'die'. He is currently disguised as his 'killer', bounty hunter Rako Hardeen, and is working closely with Eval and Cad Bane."
"I understand faking his death, but why wouldn't you all tell me? Do Anakin and Ahsoka know?"
"Figured it out, Skywalker did, just before I spoke to you earlier. Assuming he told Padawan Tano, I am," Master Yoda says.
"And this plan was made off the records, between Obi-Wan, Yoda, and I. No one else knew," Master Windu then tells me.
"Obi-Wan's idea, it was, to not tell you and Skywalker," Yoda says. I feel my heart drop in betrayal and disappointment.
"Your reactions to his 'death' ensured that even Dooku believed his passing, too," Master Windu adds.
Everything inside of me fills with even more outrage at the situation than before. "Are you kidding me?"
"Padawan—" Master Windu starts.
They say it takes a whole lot of guts to even think about interrupting Master Windu, but I didn't even hesitate to do so. "No! No. Do you all even realize how messed up this is? You all used me as nothing more than a reaction! You let me wallow in my room for days now and just now thought to tell me that he's not dead? Dooku still would seen the initial reaction from me if you had told me this, oh, I don't know, the day after? Like I told you earlier, Master Yoda, this is too far. You know, I admit I usually hate it when people point this out, but I am a child. I'm just a child that got thrown into the smack-kriffing-middle of an galactic-wide war. And you just let me think that the closest thing I have to a good father was dead. Yeah, because I needed even more emotional trauma to deal with."
"While we're deeply sorry that we lied about the situation and know that we were wrong, we did hope that you had learned an important lesson in letting go," Master Windu says.
"As I said earlier, Arlo, let go of everything you fear to lose, you must," Yoda adds.
"And I still don't understand. You handed a traumatized child to an emotionally-scarred adult and expected them not to form a bond?"
"It's not that we don't expect it," Master Windu says, "but usually, both master and padawan are able to grow past it. We realize that you were put into this war earlier than the typical padawan, but by this point, they usually understand that they have to let go someday."
"Maybe they can grow past it easier because they haven't been through the same things Obi-Wan and I have. How many masters have had their master killed by a Sith Lord when the Sith were supposed to have been extinct for thousands of years? How many padawans remember their past as vividly as I, remember how they were abused by their father and how their mother ran away from them? And then come to the temple just to be bullied by the people who were supposed to be their friends?"
"Nonetheless, you still need to work on learning to let go, even after this ordeal," Master Windu says.
"I'll agree to work on my attachment issues once you all realize how wrong this is." No one responds to me. "You know, for such wise Jedi Masters as yourselves, you're not very good at defending your actions. I placed my full confidence in the Council, even through the controversial decisions, only to be repayed with this." I pause. "I thought about leaving the Order for a moment the other day. Because of all of this. But then I found a letter from Obi-Wan to me from a few months ago, something I was probably never even meant to see in the first place because it was meant for if he had died at the Citadel. That letter is the only reason I'm still here. But now... now, I don't even know if I trust him anymore, either." I turn on my heel and leave as the sun starts to set through the windows of the chamber.
—
alright someone give arlo a break she doesn't deserve this 😭 also, just realized that part 4 is almost done, and i started planning out which arcs i want to do with part 5 (plus some of my own added ideas), and by the looks of it, it's gonna be the longest part to this story yet... kinda exciting 😬
thanks for reading! -a 🪐