i remember telling myself
i'm so lucky
i have a roof over my head
and abundance of food every single day
if i wanted to draw, i could draw
yet i stared at the box of pills
and wondered why can't i be more grateful
why can't i just smile for real
i didn't want to be a lost cause
but i can't deny the hole lingering in my chest
growing bigger and bigger
recalling the day my psychiatrist said
don't come back again
the day a kid told me i wasn't good for anything
memories of sitting on a skateboard
after falling over and over again
and telling someone i wanted to die
but then laughing it off
why am i trapped in the tight grip of the past
let me go
before i knew it i was on my back
the room changed to the hallway
and to the blue sky
it was such a pretty blue
and then it was all white
they tied me to a cross
i didn't believe in god
but i couldn't move
i hate myself so much
my family is crying in another world
it's so bright here
will death give me redemption
or i need to make my own amends
nobody wants to see me like this though
they hear my cries and get sick of it
again?
please don't let me wake up
i don't want to see disappointment
staring right back at my face
my heart will set itself on fire
and i will have no control
charcoal is running down my throat
poison is coming up my throat
suddenly my arm dropped from the cross
and i could move a finger
i wake up
