Shake It For Me

Doin' My Thing

~Nikki's Point Of View~
 
I was able to come home yesterday. I was feeling like shit. My stomach was still hurt and I had to take it easy. I was suppose to say still as much as I could. I even felt depressed. I just lost a baby and it wasn't even my fault. Finding out we were going to finally have a baby girl of our own was so heartwarming, and a blessing to us. I am thankful that I can still have children but we have to wait for a while. I needed to heal and become healthier again. Tate wouldn't leave the living room. Luke tried to get him to go take a nap but he fussed and cried when Luke would take him out of the room. I just let him lay besides me on the recliner and take a nap there. Tate was a major mama's boy now.
I was quiet most of the time I've been home. I was in the recliner in the living room watching TV. Luke and his mama were dealing with house things, the boys, and getting me drinks. I didn't have much of an appetite but I was craving some sweet tea so that is what I drank all day today. It felt nice to be home but I still had some void in me. When I was able to get washed last night I just cried. Luke held me in the tub as I cried. Seeing what would become scars hurt me.
I looked at the TV not really paying attention because I had my laptop in my lap. I was looking through my twitter and Facebook. I had so much to look through. People didn't only share things with Luke but I had thousands upon thousands of people wishing me to get better. I looked around the room and no one was in here and I heard no noise. I put my head back and closed my eyes just thinking. I felt extremely depressed even though all the comments, posts, tweets, and all other things I was looking at were loving and caring, I just felt… not me. I drifted off to sleep thinking bad thoughts.
I awoke abruptly by Luke's mama. She had a concerned look on her face. My breathing was heavy and I was sweaty. I had a nightmare. My laptop was on the coffee table and my sweet tea glass was gone. I looked back at his mother who was sitting next to me on the couch.

"You okay sweetheart?" She asked.
"No." I said not being able to lie to mama.
"What's bothering you?" She sat on the edge of the couch.
"All of this. Mostly losing the baby." I said looking down at my hands.
"I know this is a hard and difficult time for you but you will get through it. I got through loosing Kelly but it took a very long time. It honestly still hurts. It always will because it was your baby, your little girl, but in time you will cope with the loss. You will be able to go on with life. It would be smart to talk with Luke about it because he is feeling some way about it but isn't showing it. The funeral was hard for him. He felt so bad that he couldn't wait for you to get out of the hospital and have you there. I wanted to talk to Luke about it but he closed part of him off recently. He started opening up since you woke up, but you're not fully back yet. I can tell your not doin' your thing. You're not being you Nikki. I am here for you no matter what. You are my daughter in law and I conceder you one of my own. I love you." She said smiling. I had tears in my eyes. This made me feel a little bit better. I did need to talk to Luke about my depression. He was probably feeling just as bad as me. He is the one who had to see things that I didn't he was the one scared half to death unknowing if he would lose me as well.
"Thanks Mama. I love you too. Where is Luke so maybe I could talk to him?"
"Studio hun. He said he is finishing up some things. He'll be back by dinner." She smiled.
"When is dinner?"
"About two hours from now."
"Okay, boys are taking their naps?"
"Finally. I told them you're taking yours so they should take theirs. Tate wanted to sleep in here but I didn't want him to wake you. That boy is smart you know. Bo may understand more but Tate has that emotional connection with you. Luke had that with me." She smiled. I smiled back at her.
"I'm truly blessed." She nodded and we sat there happily.
 
I am truly blessed. I survived. I have two beautiful wonderful boys. I have a husband that will do anything for me. I have his parents who are secondary parents to me. I have amazing best friends. I have fans who care. I smiled wide to myself as Luke's mama left. I got out of the recliner and went to the bathroom. I went into the kitchen when I was done and I sat on the barstool. We talked about things while she was cooking. I heard one of the boys crying and coming towards the kitchen. I got up and met Tate towards the stairs. He was crying and rubbing his eyes. I sat on the stair and told him to come close to me. He hugged onto me tight. I calmed him down and had him come into the living room with me. I turned on some shows that he liked and we watched them together.
Dinner was ready and Luke walked in right at time. I was sitting at the table ready to eat and he came by kissing my forehead and sat next to me. We ate dinner and Luke talked about the record. He wanted me to come in next week and do some vocals. I just smiled in an agreement. I miss going into the studio. He cleaned up the table for his mama while her and I got to sit on the back porch and watch the bunnies roam around and the boys chase them when they found them. When it was time for bed Luke put Tate to bed and Mama put Bo. I went into the bedroom and before I could undress Luke came in with Tate who was crying.