The Second Time's the Charm

Chapter Eighteen

Planning a funeral was hard, especially for someone you loved so much. One day you're planning your future, then the next you're planning a funeral. I was in constant contact with the military. Since we were married legally, my name was put on all his insurance paperwork. Everything had to go through me and be passed by me. We didn't even have time to get a will drawn up, which was something we planned to do once he was back from his deployment. Justin must have put my name on his life insurance through the military, because they had called me and asked how I wanted the money. At that point no amount of money would mean anything to me, I just wanted Justin back. I put most of the money into savings for Aiden. I had my own money. I let Kelly figure everything else out. She was his mother, I was just his wife. All the planning went by in a blur. I let Kelly make all the decisions and gave my input when she asked for it. I tried to be more present for Aiden. He had no idea what was happening and probably never would understand what happened. He would grow up without a father.

The funeral was harder than I ever would have thought it would be. My mom told me to stand up and say something about Justin, but no words could ever cover how amazing Justin was. We kept it in a closed casket, because of what happened to him. When we were all at the cemetery, I lost it. They gave me the flag and the gun ceremony was what sent me over the edge. It all made it so real and permanent. The funeral and burial is when it all clicked that he would never be coming home. I would never be able to kiss him again. He would never see his son again. He was gone. And that meant I had to continue living without him. I hadn't been with him long, but he had become my entire world. He was the only one who pushed me to do better in life, to be a better person. He saved my life and made me happier than I ever thought I could be. I couldn't keep myself together at the funeral.

Sam was my backbone through everything. He was always around when I needed him, but he also gave me space without me asking him to. I knew there was no way I would ever be able to repay him for how great he always was to me. Since the officer told us about Justin, I had broken down in front of Sam many times. Crying in front of Sam was nothing new, he was my best friend since we moved here. This was the first time that he couldn't just make it all go away by making me laugh. I knew this pained him, I saw it in his face every time he looked at me. Without Sam I don't think that I would've gotten through it.

"Katie, do you need anything?" Michelle asked a few days after the funeral.

"I just need company, I need people around me to help keep my mind busy. I'm afraid to be alone. When I'm alone I think about him." I said walking and bouncing Aiden to calm him down.

"I can hang out. I took some time off to be here for you. Do you want me to take Aiden? I can help get him to sleep." She said holding her arms out. I slowly and gently passed Aiden to her. She was his only honorary aunt. "Where is Sam?" she asked quietly, taking over the bouncing and rocking.

"I think he's home sleeping or working. At this point I've lost track of who goes where." I said sitting on the couch and closing my eyes with my head on the back of the cushion.

"I'm surprised he's not here. He seems to always be around." She said.

"Justin was his friend too, he's just being there for us all. He also likes to spend time with Aiden." I said taking a deep breath. "Why?" I looked at her.

"No reason. Just making an observation." She said avoiding eye contact. I rolled my eyes at her and sighed loudly.

"You have to let it go. Sam doesn't have feelings for me. Maybe when we were younger. I'm sure Sam has girls begging to be with him." I told her. The few times I'd gone out with Sam to run errands, girls were always fawning over him. Most girls went out of their way to flirt with him too. It was hard not to. He was six foot four, golden brown eyes and reddish brown hair that he kept a little longer, stopping around his ears. He always had a five o'clock shadow on his face, which seemed to be longer when he spent a lot of time over at my parents house. "You know it was a once in a lifetime kind of thing that happened with Justin. Sam deserves to find someone his own age." Michelle just rolled her eyes and laid Aiden in the pack and play we had downstairs.

"You need to stop being so blind. He's always loved you, Katie. I know your husband just died, but he wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life. I'm not saying jump right into someone else's bed, but open your eyes." She sat next to me and held my hand. I squeezed her hand.

"Mich, thank you for being here for me so much. You really didn't need to take any time off for me." I said avoiding the topic of Sam.

"No, I did need to take time. My family needs me. You don't need to do this alone. Plus my nephew is pretty cute." She said smiling at Aiden sleeping.

"Well thank you. You all have made this a little less hard. I just can't process any of it still. My whole future is all empty now. I was supposed to move in with him. There is no way I can live with my parents forever. I love them but I was looking forward to having a place to myself with Aiden and Justin." I ran my hands over my face.

"Katie, relax. You'll figure it out. Everything will figure itself out. Don't add any more stress to yourself." She said.

"It's hard to not stress. I have a lot I need to figure out soon. On top of working, school and Aiden. I feel like the worst mom in the world. I'm trying so hard to keep myself together for him, but it's hard. I haven't slept in weeks. Everywhere I look, Justin is there. His side of the bed, his house, everything Mich. I can't stay here and be haunted by his memories. It's too raw for me to even think about anything." I dropped my head into my hands. The night after the funeral I was exhausted and passed out on the bed once I got Aiden to sleep. I woke up reaching for Justin, and broke down once I realized he'd never be there again.

"Maybe you need someone to sleep with you. Not in an intimate way. Do you want me to spend the night? Or maybe you should try sleeping in a different room. Or both." She said, pulling me into her. She started rubbing my back.

"I can't ask anyone to sleep with me and be woken up by Aiden. He's my baby. I have to take care of him." I said into her side.

"Katie, we all want to help you. You aren't a bad mother. You just experienced a major loss. Aiden has many people who love him to the moon and back. None of us mind waking up to help. You need to be okay, which means getting sleep. Anyone of us would gladly spend the night with you. Or anyone would take Aiden for the night." She said comforting me.

"I'll try having someone sleep with me. Maybe sleep will help me not be so emotional. I've been meaning to switch rooms."

"Sam or I can always spend the night. I think you need to have a talk with Sam at some point. It's past due." She said getting up.

"What's past due?" Sam said coming into the living room. I jumped at the sound of his voice.

"Oh nothing. Shh, Mich just got Aiden to sleep." I told him. He winced and carefully walked over to hug me. Behind him Mich smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and pulled away from the hug. "Michelle just suggested having someone spend the night with me since I'm having a hard time sleeping."

"Yes, because she hasn't slept in weeks. Aiden needs a well rested mom." Michelle said looking at Sam. "But super mom doesn't want to burden anyone with being disturbed by Aiden waking up throughout the night." She stuck her tongue out at me.

"I can stay the night if you need. I was given the next week off for bereavement, they made an exception when I told them how close we all were. And I'd be more than happy to take over night feedings for you. Michelle is right, Aiden needs a well rested and well fed mom." He said, nudging me with his shoulder. I rolled my eyes.

"If you wouldn't mind. I also might need help switching rooms. I can't be in my room without breaking down. He's everywhere, and it's making it much harder for me to heal." I said swallowing the lump that was rising in my throat, threatening more tears.

"I don't mind at all. It's hard, but it will get easier. Don't be afraid to lean on any of us. You have a very strong support system. I love spending time with you and Aiden. Justin wanted you two taken care of, and I'll do everything I can to help take care of you guys." He said, sliding his arm around me and pulling me close. Michelle looked at me and smiled. I just closed my eyes and rested my head on Sam's shoulder. I had no idea when I'd be ready to find someone else, but for now Sam and Michelle were just what I needed.