The Second Time's the Charm

Chapter Nineteen

When it was time to get ready for bed, Sam helped me give Aiden his last bottle and rock him to sleep. He was rocking Aiden while I was finishing getting everything ready for the night feedings and diaper changes. He was just watching me get everything all set. I made sure there was water for us to drink.

"Katie, just lay down and relax. We have everything we need. If we don't I'll get it for you. I'm here so that you can rest." He was still rocking Aiden. Aiden was asleep, but he had to be deeply asleep to be put in his bassinet.

"I just want to make it easier in case you do end up waking up with him. You still need to sleep too. If Aiden gets fussy I usually just end up bringing him in bed with me that way we both get a good night's sleep."

"Just lay down. It's all taken care of. I've slept enough. After everything you've had to take care of, I just want you to rest and relax. You deserve it, Katie. I'm going to lay him down soon." He said, still rocking. I sighed and got into the bed. I didn't turn on the TV, I just watched Sam rocking Aiden. He was so good with Aiden. I felt warmth spread through my body and my cheeks flush. When Sam looked up at me, I suddenly reached for the remote and turned on the TV. Aiden was used to having something playing in the background when he slept, it always made him sleep better than if it was completely silent. Sam finally laid Aiden down and turned off the light. I felt him get into the bed beside me and lay back. I turned to look at him.

"I have a question. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm just curious." I whispered. He turned and looked at me. "Have you ever had feelings for me?" I watched sadness creep into his face.

"Honestly?" I nodded. "Yes I've always had feelings for you, Katie. But you've always liked Justin. Then you guys got together and I kept it to myself. I was happy for you both. It's been hard for me, but your happiness has always been important to me. My heart is broken for you right now. I'm not trying to take advantage of you because of all this though. I hope you know that. I'm keeping my word to Justin. I'm making sure you and Aiden are taken care of. So if you need me to sleep here, then I will. If you want me to leave you alone, I will." He said, looking at the ceiling.

"Why did you never tell me growing up? I think I've always had feelings for you. I guess I just never wanted to admit it. Seeing you with Aiden makes me fall for you even more. You're just so amazing with him. That's not why I asked you to sleep here. I just can't be alone. I should've asked for help earlier, but I wanted to try and be strong for Aiden. I'm just drained lately. I haven't slept in weeks, I can barely eat. Some days, if it wasn't for Aiden, I truly don't think I'd get up." I whispered, tears filling my eyes. I rolled and looked at the ceiling too.

"I didn't tell you because I cherished our friendship. You're my best friend. I distanced myself once I went to college in hopes that I'd fall in love with someone else. Then you got with Justin. He really beat it in my head, literally, how much you needed my friendship. That's why I came back. It crushed me when you got pregnant, but then I was happy seeing you happy. My mom kept telling me to be there for you, because she knew how close we were. So I pushed my feelings deep inside and was there for you. That's what I'm doing now. You need your best friend not someone to replace Justin. I'll never try to replace him. He was a good husband to you and an amazing father to Aiden." I felt him move his arm under me and pull me against him. I wrapped my arms around him and let myself really cry. I was sobbing, my whole chest heaving. He just rubbed his hand up and down my arm.

"I just don't get it, Sam. I still can't process that he's gone. It just all happened so fast. One day we're making all these plans, then nothing. He's gone. I have to raise our son without him. He'll never see Aiden grow up. It's just too much." I sobbed harder.

"I know. It will be okay though, Katie. It may not feel like it now, but it will. You have an amazing group of people who love you and Aiden. Just stop being afraid to ask for help. We all understand how hard this is for you." He said, continuing to rub my arm. I just nodded and nuzzled my head into his chest. I was suddenly exhausted. I let myself fall asleep.

When I woke up I felt Sam's arm around me. I turned to look at him and my heart filled with love. He was asleep with Aiden in his one arm and his other arm around me. He must have woken up for all the night feedings. I looked at the clock. It was 9:45am. He had let me sleep over 12 hours. I smiled to myself. I slowly moved his arm off me, so I didn't wake him or Aiden. Then I got up to shower. Once I was showered, I noticed Aiden was stirring so I grabbed him and took him downstairs. My mom was in the kitchen making coffee. When she saw me she smiled holding her arms out for Aiden.

"Did you sleep well last night? You weren't moving around like usual." She said, smiling and bouncing Aiden.

"I actually slept great. I have Sam to thank for that though. He stayed the night and helped out with Aiden. It was the first night I was actually able to sleep without breaking down crying." I told her, pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"Sam is a great guy. He sure does love you." She said looking over at me. I felt my face blush.

"Everyone has to stop saying that. He's just making sure Aiden and I are taken care of." I told her, rolling my eyes.

"Mhm."

"What?" I asked her.

"I know you just lost Justin. But he wouldn't want you to be alone and miserable forever. There's no one better for you than Sam. We have all seen how he looks at you. Eventually you'll have to think about it. He'd be an amazing dad to Aiden. He proves that to me everyday. I loved Justin, but I love Sam too." I just looked at her. How was it that everyone else saw Sam's feelings for me, but me. I couldn't allow myself to even feel anything for anyone else just yet. It felt like I was betraying Justin. "You aren't cheating on Justin, if you admit you have feelings for anyone, Katie. At some point you're going to have to allow yourself to move on and be happy." She said, reading my mind.

"It just feels wrong, admitting I love Sam. Right now I need to focus on Aiden. If things progress with us, then great. But right now I need Sam to just be here for me." I told her. She nodded and continued bouncing Aiden. When he started fussing she took him to change his diaper and make a bottle. I sat at our kitchen island and put my head in my hands. I still had so much that I still needed to figure out. My main goal was still to move out and into my own place, I just didn't want to live alone.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Sam said, suddenly appearing on the other side of the kitchen island pouring himself coffee.

"Just stressing about things that aren't important. Thank you for helping with Aiden. I could've helped with some of the night feedings though." He sat down next to me.

"You were sleeping and looked peaceful. You need sleep more than I do. And I really don't mind waking up with him." He said, sipping his coffee. He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie.

"Are you going for a run?" I asked.

"Yeah, it gives me a clear head for the day. Coffee and morning runs are what keep me awake all day. I'll be back though, don't worry." He said, finishing his coffee and placing the mug in the sink. He came over and kissed my head. "I'll see you later." Then he was out the front door. After watching Sam leave, I went to join my mother in the living room.

"Your brother is coming over later. Him and his girlfriend have some news." My mother told me. Aiden was sleeping in his swing.

"I miss them. Lisa has been an amazing help, especially with Aiden." I told her. Lisa and Alex had been dating since they met freshman year in college. They were going on close to seven years together. I had gotten really close with Lisa, everytime they came to visit she made sure to spend time with me. "Do you think that I'll ever feel normal again? I feel like there is this enormous hole in my heart. I have dreams that feel so real. Like he's still here. In some he's holding Aiden or we're in our own house with another baby on the way."

"Katie, it's going to take time. You have to let yourself feel these emotions. Time heals all wounds." She said, grabbing my hand.

"This feels like a wound that will never heal. I have days where I'm fine, then other days where I really struggle to open my eyes." There was no way to explain the emptiness that I felt ever since Justin passed away. No matter what I did, he was everywhere.