Keep Holding On

Chapter 17

Meredith opened her eyes and stretched. She stared for a minute at the rays of light that had forced themselves through the cracks in her drapes. She tried to feel excited. She tried to tell herself that this year would be different. But the same sinking feeling that seemed to settle in the pit of her stomach arrived as she groggily climbed out of bed. Something told her that this year, her birthday would be no different than the last thirty or so had been.

The foolishly optimistic little girl inside Meredith quickly searched the dresser top and then the bathroom counter with her eyes for a card, a small gift, anything. Of course there was nothing and Meredith scolded herself for being so juvenile. She shook her head trying to rid it of any thoughts of birthdays. She had other things to worry about. Someone was trying to scare her and she needed to stay concentrated on getting to the bottom of it. She didn't need her pathetic childhood and lack of birthday celebrations clouding her mind. She needed to focus.

Meredith was able to get Hanna and herself fed, dressed, and out the door on time with no more than a couple more birthday thoughts. She was even feeling proud of herself that she was halfway through rounds and hadn't checked her phone more than three times wondering if she had somehow missed Derek's call. She wasn't disappointed when Cristina had passed out the intern's assignments that morning and hadn't mentioned knowing what the day was. She hadn't even let it get her down when Izzie, who was famously known for bringing in the best birthday cupcakes on her friends' birthdays, had passed her in the hall with a mere smile and wave.

She was fine. She was good at this part; at the not letting disappointment after let down get to her. At the pretending.

Meredith somehow made it to lunchtime and found herself checking her messages. Maybe she had missed a call. Maybe Derek had called and it somehow hadn't gone through and went straight to voice mail.

Meredith slammed her phone shut hard at the annoying sound of the woman's voice stating she had no new messages. Of course he hadn't called. He was busy with some super important meeting with the chief from Merci West. Derek had so many new responsibilities that it probably hadn't even dawned on him what the day was. This thought didn't make Meredith angry. It made her incredibly sad. More sad than a life time of neglected birthdays by her mom had ever managed to make her.

She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. She wasn't going to cry. She learned by the time she was ten, that crying on your birthday was useless. She focused on inhaling and exhaling until the sting behind her eyes lessened and the trembling of her lip steadied. When she reopened her eyes, the curvy figure of a red head walking towards her in perfect black designer pumps filled her vision and Meredith couldn't help but sigh.

Why did Addison always have to look so flawless and put together? Meredith had thrown her greasy hair in a sloppy pony tail and hadn't even bothered with lip gloss that morning. She noticed Addison's crisp white lab coat carefully covered her coordinating Prada blouse and skirt, and couldn't keep her eyes from falling down to her own clothes. Her own white lab coat had started out clean, but somewhere in the morning had gathered a collection of coffee stains and antiseptic spills. She hadn't even bothered trying to iron her wrinkled scrubs and noticed for the first time she had a large hole in the outside seem on one of the legs of her pants. Perfect.

"Hey there Grey." Addison's cheerful voice didn't cover the concern that immediately swept over her features as she took in the disheveled sight before her.

"Hi Addison." Meredith tried not to meet her probing eyes.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Meredith smiled inside. She had almost perfected those two words.