Keep Holding On

Chapter 44

Meredith slowly opened her eyes, her eyelids felt like lead and it took her a moment to remember where she was. She looked around the room, noticing she was hooked to various machines. The two seats to her side were empty, but as she moved her eyes further she noticed Derek sitting at a small table on the opposite side of the room, papers spread everywhere as he tiredly studied something on his black laptop.

Feeling her gaze on him, Derek lifted his eyes to meet her apprehensive green ones. He rested his hand on top of the open computer screen before him as he debated something in his head. Slowly he closed his laptop as he finally spoke.

"Hey." His tone was unreadable, matching his expression.

"Hey." Meredith echoed, suddenly feeling awkward.

She shifted uncomfortably on the bed, wondering why he was there. After all she'd done to him, after all her mistakes, after everything that had happened the day before.

And then it hit her, the frightening events of yesterday rushing back with swift terror. The cramping, the pain, the blood. Her baby.

Meredith's eyes grew wide and her hand automatically found her swollen belly, resting on the large bump carefully. Her eyes moved panicked from Derek, to the rhythmic monitor to her side, and then back to Derek, worry sketched on her features.

Derek immediately recognized Meredith's anxiety and stood.

"The baby's fine." He reassured, his voice calm and soothing.

His patience surprised Meredith and caused her to shrink back even further in her bed, tears stinging her eyes. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve him being wonderful and comforting and amazing.

She shook her head, remorse filling her to the core.

"I'm sorry." Her voice cracked.

"For what?" Derek studied her, his gaze intense and boring into her soul.

Meredith tilted her head, a little taken back at the ricocheted question.

"Wh...Hu?" Was he really going to force her to say it?

Derek spoke again, this time more careful. "What exactly are you apologizing for Mer?"

Her heart panged at the warm endearment of her shortened name. Meredith swallowed difficultly before beginning.

"For...for yesterday. For letting this happen... with the baby. For going into labor too early."

Derek let out a loud frustrated sigh as he ran a hand roughly through his hair.
She immediately cursed herself for making him mad and decided to try harder to apologize.

"I'm so sorry Derek...I should have taken it easier...slowed down...Maybe if I wouldn't have scrubbed in on the..."

"Stop!"

Meredith shrunk back at the forceful command. Her lip trembled and she fought a sob, but she remained quiet.

"Meredith... just stop." Derek continued, softening his voice a little. "Stop blaming yourself. For everything. You didn't do anything wrong...women go into premature labor all the time, it's nobody's fault. So just stop. Stop everything. Stop saying you're fine when it's obvious you're not... stop acting like you don't deserve happiness and that everything bad that's ever happened to you is your fault... And lastly Mer... stop pushing me away. Because no matter how hard you try... no matter how stubborn you are ... I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to stay... whether you want to admit you need me or not. Because I need you... I want you... and Meredith... I'm not going anywhere." He repeated again.