Keep Holding On

Chapter 39

Meredith woke with a start. She blinked rapidly, her mind confused as she tried to put everything together. When had she fallen asleep? Her eyes were red and face puffy from crying most of the night. Derek had held her close, trying to comfort her, but that had only made things worse.

She laid awake most of the night debating inside her head whether or not she was making the right choice or not. As painful as it was and as bad as her heart ached, she knew what she had to do.

Meredith shifted her sore body on the bed and realized she was now alone. Derek must have snuck out when she finally drifted off. She sighed, relieved that what she had to say could wait a moment longer. She would need to prepare herself, find a way to be strong about it.

Soft footsteps in her doorway caused Meredith to look up and she inhaled sharply. Her relief was short lived, as Derek stood handsome at the foot of her bed, obviously showered and cleaned up for the day, holding a Krispy Kreme donut bag in his hand.

"Hello gorgeous." He tilted his head and smiled, taking her unreadable expression in. He moved to the side of the bed and pulled the meal tray over, reaching in the bag to present his gifts.

"I know you must be starved... so I took a little detour and stopped to get your favorites." He slowly pulled out a chocolate frosted donut with a light layer of rainbow sprinkles and a small carton of whole milk.

"And I'm not even going to lecture you about empty calories this morning." Derek winked, hoping to get anything from her blank stare; anger would satisfy him at the moment.

Meredith stared at the treats before her and fought the tears that wanted to drop. His 'little detour' was quite the understatement; the closest Krispy Kreme was all the way across town.

She shook her head and tried a smile, but her lips wouldn't cooperate. Her heart was heavy and her insides felt raw. She needed to get this over with.

"Derek." Her voice cracked and the feeling of dread from the night before was instant in Derek's stomach.

"Come on Mer. Take a bite. It'll make you feel better." He lifted the pastry, desperately trying to ignore the painful empty look in her eyes.

"Derek!" Her voice was suddenly firm, causing Derek to rock back slightly.

He sighed and finally nodded, placing the donut back down on the napkin and wiping his fingers on the faded blue of his denims.

He lifted his eyes to meet hers. "What's going on Mer?"

He moved the tray to the side to make room for himself as he sat carefully on the side of her bed, facing her smiling. He lifted his hand to wipe a strand of silky hair from her face, but Meredith jerked back, escaping his touch.

Derek grew serious and tilted his head confused. "Mer?" Now his voice cracked.

Meredith drew in a shaky breath before starting. "Derek..."

Again, there was that tone of voice that he didn't like and he immediately shook his head.

She continued, ignoring the pleading in his eyes by looking away to stare out the window as she talked. "I... I can't do this to you any more... I can't ...." She shook her head. "It's like... I'm cancer or something... I infect everything... everything I touch... It's no wonder my father walked away... and my mother... my own mother couldn't stand me..."

Derek's heart broke more and more with each word his fiancée spoke. The painful tears that slipped down her cheek were like a sharp sword in his already bleeding chest.

"Meredith." He tried again but his voice was so overcome with emotion it barely came out a whisper.

Meredith continued, Derek's interruption unnoticed. "I understand now... I'm bad luck... I bring no good everywhere I go...cancer." She spat the last word out.