Till The End [Phan]

Wipe Away The Tears of Blood Again

School was like hell. Every time I saw Jess she was smiling, it was like she was better off without me. That hurt a lot. Jess used to sit with me at lunch. She used to get me to walk her to classes. But ever since the new girl arrived at the Community College, Jess didn't even look my way. She hung on to her every word and followed her like a lost puppy. I was on my own. Jess didn't want me anymore. Sure I was friends with Cam and Janis, but they'd never really sat with me at lunch. We hung out outside of school and in English Lit, but never really at lunch.

The worst part was that I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to be protecting Dan and Phil. I felt so guilty for forgetting that I stayed up four nights in a row, trying to think of a new plan. None of them would work, and because I'd hardly slept, I couldn't concentrate on anything. My eyes hurt from reading and writing in the dark.

I never actually told Dan and Phil that Jess broke up with me, but I guess I didn't need to. They just knew, and it went unspoken. Sometimes Phil would come into my room at night when I was crying and he'd cuddle me to sleep. Sometimes he'd still be there in the morning when I woke up, and sometimes he wouldn't be there- but breakfast would be.

There was a loud knock on my door,
"Can I come in?" It was Dan,
"Yeah," I replied. I'd been drawing... drawing Jess. Don't get me wrong, I missed her like hell, and I wished I could see her again. But I was only drawing her because she was pretty, she had an easy but pretty face to draw. I'd drawn her once before, and my aim was to perfect it. I guess it was kind of sentimental, but mainly because I was stubborn and wouldn't let my drawings be any less than perfection.
"You know it's tomorrow, right?" Dan said sitting opposite me on the bed. I knew.
"I've been trying not to think about it. But I know. I'll go. It'll be fine, okay?" Dan nodded and hugged me.

Dylan wasn't in the house when I got there, it was just mum, thankfully. At least I'd have part of the day without being shoved into door frames.

"So what've you been up to?" Mum had been trying to make conversation all day. I really hadn't been feeling up to it, I couldn't stop thinking about Jess. Sometimes all I could think about was how small and vulnerable she felt in my arms, and all the adorable sleep noises she made as she slept, and how soft but heavy her breathing was at night. I remembered everything in such vivid detail that it was physically paining me to even think about it; of course it was all I could think about.

"Not much I guess," I sighed, "just planning... uh, stuff." Yes. I did almost tell my mum that I was thinking about ways to avoid going back, but my head was clouded with a mantra of "JESS JESS JESS" so it was only a miracle I hadn't slipped up sooner.
"About what?" She said shuffling closer to me, I really thought I was going to have to tell her or at least make up another lie on the spot, but she interrupted me before I had the chance to draw a breath,
"Jane how do you feel about children?" I looked at her, confused.
"To be honest, they suck and I'm not planning on having any- and can we just take a second to realise that I'm fifteen not twenty five, mum. Don't expect to be a nan any time soon." I folded my arms,
"Not you," she smiled, "me." My eyes widened. Mum having a child? No way. More importantly, me with a sibling? It just wouldn't work.
"Jay, it's not like you'll actually have to look after it." I wasn't bothered about looking after it because there was no way in hell I would even want to see it in the first place.
"Are you serious? You're planning on having a baby, just because social services took me away from you? Are you out of your mind, mum? You'd have a baby with Dylan around? You have got to be kidding me." I rolled my eyes at her. I didn't really care if my mum was replacing me- I replaced her with Dan, after all. And besides, the main thing I was worried about was having a baby in the house with Dylan around. Sure, I doubt he'd abuse his own child, but it was possible- and it's not like my mum would do anything about it if he did.
"Jay, I'm not 'planning' anything. I'm saying,"
"Mum, just don't okay. It's not legally safe for a kid here, so don't ruin anyone else's life, please."
"I'm pregnant." I stared at her. I just stared. What was I supposed to say? There was nothing I could do, other than tell a social worker, but then they'd know I'd been going to see them. This kid was in danger, and all of a sudden I found myself mortifyingly worried about it. It's not like it was even my actual sibling- it was a step sibling. Worse yet, the product of Dylan and my mum, and that in itself was a horrible thought.