Till The End [Phan]

We Gather Up Our Forces, She's Busy Hearing Voices Again

*WARNING: this chapter contains content which some readers may find upsetting*

I heard the front door slam. It shook the whole house and probably woke the neighbours. It turned out Dylan had actually been at the bar when I'd yelled at my mum. Any other child probably would've thought they were safe. But not me. No way. In fact, I'd considered putting a pillow up my shirt to soften the blows but knew it wouldn't work anyway. So instead of thinking about ways to hide from Dylan and not get injured, I locked my bedroom door and texted Jess a really long message telling her how much she meant to me, and I'd moved on to thinking about how to tell Dan and Phil what I'd done in the least heart-breaking way.

Although I knew I deserved most of what I was going to get, I still didn't like the idea of my snake bites being ripped out, so I took out all my piercings because that probably would've hurt more than was necessary.

I could hear Dylan slurring his words at my mum. They weren't angry, they were soothing. I could tell from the tone of his voice, even though he was quite drunk. It was something along the lines of,
"What, do y-ou mean she shouted at youu, babe? Y'mean she hurt you? Did she? Aw baby. I'll sort it out- don't y-ouu worry. *hiccup* no, of course I'm not. Wait- what's a blackmailer do? Am I rich? Do I have a reputation for s-something? Wait ok, no I'll go deal with it. I'll... I'll deal with- oh fuck!" There was a crash and a splash and I deducted that he'd knocked over a vase. I heard my mum tell him not to worry about it.

Before I knew it there was a loud banging at my door and my heartbeat quickened immediately as the memories of what I guess you could call my childhood came flooding back to me. The tears pricked my eyes but I fought them back.
"You're not twelve anymore, Jay. You've been through a lot. Twelve year old insecure scared Jay wouldn't stand up to Dylan. But what would fifteen year old Jay do? What would fifteen year old Jay who is confident do. The Jay that broke a guys wrist by accident. What would she do, Jay?" It was the voice in my head. Sometimes it worked on my side. Looks like it was being helpful. It's only a shame that I wasn't trying to help myself. I'm sure if I hadn't been feeling so guilty about Dan and Phil then I probably would've tried to do something in my favour.

The problem was, in the seconds before Dylan started attacking my door, I'd decided what I'd do to save Dan and Phil and Jess. It wasn't a brilliant plan. It wasn't very elaborate. In fact, I was giving up everything I'd worked so hard to keep. Maybe you didn't necessarily have to fight to protect the people you love. Maybe you just had to let go of them.

I jumped and almost squealed as the bolt on my door broke open. I forgot how strong Drunk Dylan was. It was like they put radioactive yeast in the beer they sold at the bar and gave Dylan superhuman strength. Or maybe it was the fact he went to the gym a lot. I guess I'd never find out.

"You!" He slurred at me, I was shivering in fear under my duvet like the pathetic mess I was,
"You f-fucking whore! You up-set your mum! And y-you didn't say sorry! You don't know- how kind I've been to y-you. You think I want you in my house?! The only reason you're here is so your mum's happy and now she-s down the... the... the stairs, y-yeah that's it, she's crying and its your fault! So now your-e going to c-cry!" And with that slurred up babble, that took me a while to re order so it made sense, Dylan grabbed my arm and pulled me out of my bed and to the ground with a thud and dragged me into a standing position. My mind was hardly keeping up with it all and I was extremely unbalanced.

The voice inside my head was screaming at me to protect myself. But I wasn't listening. The voice in my head only wanted what was best for me. I didn't want what was best for me. I wanted whatever would protect Dan and Phil and Jess. That was all I wanted.
"Stop it! Don't just stand there! Pull your shit together and hit him! Hit him first, show him you're not a little girl anymore, Jane. Show him that you're capable of protecting yourself! You know you're capable of it! Do it! Save yourself, Jay! Fuck's sake what's wrong with you!" There was nothing wrong with me. I needed to protect the people I loved. I knew I could fight Dylan off, if I hit him that exact second, if I punched his throat hard enough he'd fall to the ground and I could beat him senseless and run. How sweet that would be. But no, if I ran, he would find me. He would find Dan and Phil and he would hurt them. That was the wrong thing to do. I wasn't going to let that happen. I could still fix the damage I'd done before it was too late. Running would only make things worse for me. If I killed him, now that would be a different story altogether, but let's just remember that I was only almost sixteen. I couldn't kill anyone. That would haunt me for the rest of my life. Nope. I'd rather just get beaten senseless.