Till The End [Phan]

And Darlin If It's Cool With You I'd Really Love To Spend The Night

Jess woke up crying at about half past one in the morning. I'd woken up from a nightmare slightly before, probably around midnight. I stayed quiet for a while. Sometimes it was good just to cry. I'd spent a good portion of my life fighting back tears and saying it was wrong to cry, but it's not wrong. It's fine to cry, I knew that now. I almost wanted to join in, but that was unfair on Jess.

It was ten minutes before she realised I was awake,
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "did I wake you up?" I stroked her side with my thumb,
"No, I've been awake for ages. It's okay to cry, Jess. I'm here, remember, I'm gonna stay with you until you're better." She sniffed,
"Jay you don't have to do that," she started,
"I know," I said, "but I want to. So I will." I was going to stay with Jess until she was better.

I loved her, not just loved her but it felt like more than that. As a person that had never had a relationship before, I didn't have a very good gage of how much I loved someone. I had no comparison. The only thing I knew was that I loved Jess as much as Jack loved Rose, and as much as Kellin loved Katelynne and Gerard loved Lynz and as much as Frank loved Gee... or Jamia, y'know there was a whole lot of love triangle going on okay- sometimes the inner fangirl would take over... it just happened.

I thought maybe I was in love with Jess. It could've happened after all, I was almost sixteen. Apparently, you can't 'fall in love' until you're between fifteen or sixteen because the hormones in your body are still confused and finding out where they want to sit. You can't fall in love, because you don't actually know what love is. You think you know, because you've seen it, with your parents or in books or films, but you don't actually know what love is, and you can't fall in love unless you know what it is. Hence why most people fifteen and up have longer lasting relationships than maybe thirteen year olds would. (Random scientific Jay fact of the day).

Maybe I really was in love with Jess. Maybe I just really loved her. But it didn't matter. I still wanted to protect her with every breath I took. I was willing to do whatever I had to.

"Jay," she whispered, "I need to talk to you. Try not to be disgusted... I'm sorry Jay." She whispered a while later as I was finally falling asleep again,
"Go on," I whispered, "I'm listening." I replied, Jess sniffed innocently.
"Okay. I don't talk about this- ever. So. I've never explained it before... w-when I was seven I was sexually assaulted." I gasped and suddenly I was awake again I didn't mean to react that way, I wasn't ashamed, I was just surprised to hear it.
"By who?" I said sternly,
"My... my dad. I was going to my friend's party and he was dropping me off but he drove me to this, this clearing in a woods nearby. I used to live in the countryside. I didn't know what it was until last year... I didn't realise it was wrong, Jay. But I don't know where he is anymore. Him and my mum moved to America. It's too late now. I can't do anything about it." I was shocked. I pulled Jess into me and hugged her,
"It's not okay Jess. It's not too late, either. We'll find him and get him to serve the time baby." I whispered to her.
"No," she said, "we can't tell anyone. I don't want to. I'll have to talk about what happened. I'll have to fill things in. Do things... I don't want to do that." She sighed, "Promise me you won't tell anyone, Jay. Please?" I sighed,
"I promise."

It was official. The Universe hated me.

I stayed at the care home for a week. Jess was feeling better by Friday. I was still dreading telling Dan and Phil. I'd seen them since I was at my mum's, but we hadn't had a proper chat.

Phil was out when I got back to the flat, but Dan was laying face down in the hallway. I started wondering if anyone actually cared about me anymore. I knew it wasn't Jess' fault for feeling down, and it wasn't Dan's fault for having an existential crisis. It wasn't really anyone's fault.