Till The End [Phan]

They're On A Rollercoaster That's Constantly Spiralling Down, My Friend.

Phil looked down at his feet and played with his thumbs. Dan looked at the camera, confused for a second before realising that Phil had actually meant it.
"Phil," he smiled, "I love you too." Phil looked up at Dan suddenly and they both smiled at each other and held hands. There were a few people around us who'd seen and heard the whole thing and clapped, which was pretty cute.

I was really proud of Phil, I knew it was going to go well because I'd spoken to them both anyway, but Phil didn't know that and was clearly really worried that Dan didn't like him back.
They kept smiling at each other every five minutes, as if they were reminding themselves that Phan was real and every now and then Dan would kiss Phil on the forehead. I was pretty sure that we caught it on camera every single time but I was equally sure that they'd edit those bits out. Dan and Phil were definitely super cute together.

When we got back Dan immediately resumed his browsing position and I joined him, before Phil suggested we had burritos for dinner and I offered to help because Dan had his sofa crease to keep warm.

I was so happy. Phan was real and I was in their video because they'd fostered me, we were eating burritos and watching Breaking Bad on Netflix. There's nothing and nowhere I would've rather been. Dan and Phil were exactly how they acted in their videos. They teased each other and messed around like kids. They were exactly everything I'd ever wanted as parents. It didn't matter that I called them by their names, I was just happy. They'd always made me feel better, over the last year that I'd found their YouTube, they'd made me happy, and now, they continued to do exactly that.

We finished up the video at about nine and then watched the rest of the Breaking Bad series before bed.

When I laid on the air bed in the living room (I swapped with Phil that night), I finally let my emotions catch up with me. It seems odd, but you know how sometimes you're just so busy that you don't pay attention to how you feel? Well, I'd been taken away from my alcoholic mum, I'd had all this stress and pressure and sadness and constant anxiety taken away from me. The anxiety and sadness and pressure never really got noticed when I was with my mum. I didn't cry about it; I didn't have time, so instead I pushed the emotions to the back of my mind and tried not to think about them, that was why I was angry all the time- it was the only emotion that didn't result in me crying. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried properly.

It started with just a few silent tears rolling down my cheeks, followed by a few more, and a few more until I was actually crying. To start with, it took me a long time to understand why I was crying in the first place.

I wasn't sad or anything, so don't get the wrong idea here. I was just, overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with Dan and Phil's kindness, overwhelmed with being taken away from my mum, overwhelmed with all these things that I'd never been through before. I wasn't sad about where I was. I wasn't scared, or anxious or worried (other than the fact I was scared of the dark but y'know. What can you do?). It was all so new. I was with people who cared about me. Remember when Dan first emailed me? It was like that, but on a whole new level of mind-blowing-woah-ness.

I guess I just let myself cry. I probably thought, "fuck it. I don't cry often so this is okay. Nobody's gonna check on you anyway." My thoughts were wrong. I did try to muffle the sound with my pillow but I don't think it really did much good because I'd only been crying about fifteen minutes before Dan switched on the living room light and knelt just next to the bed. I didn't even notice for a few minutes until he touched my bare shoulder and I jumped.

"I'm sorry," he said moving his hand away, "I just heard you crying. I wanted to make sure you were okay?" I looked up at him and smiled through the tears that were slowly drying on my face.
"I'm okay," I said, "everything just caught up with me. I don't cry that often so... it just kind of happened." I laughed but it was a little empty, like if you put a marble inside a tin and shook it. Dan nodded. I think he knew what I meant.