Till The End [Phan]

What Doesn't Kill You Often Comes Back With Bigger Weapons and an Attitude

My phone rang. It hadn't rung for ages. I'd had texts from Jess asking me how everything had gone over the three weeks I'd been with Dan and Phil. She said she'd been watching my YouTube channel, too.
It took me a moment to recognise that my phone was actually ringing, as I was actually listening to the song that happened to be my ringtone- which was Joyriding by Frnkiero Andthe Cellabration.

I'd never have guessed who it was. Not in a million years had I ever guessed my mum would have the courage and mental strength to pick up the phone and call me. I was excited to say the least. Who wouldn't be? Sure, my mum was an alcoholic who didn't give two shits if I came home at one in the afternoon or one in the morning, but she was my mum and I loved her all the same. I just didn't necessarily like all her behaviorisms. Like I said, I didn't think my mum would have the strength to hold an over the phone conversation with me. But my phone was ringing nonetheless.

I expected my mums voice. My mums silvery voice, the one that sounded like Christmas bells. So you can imagine my surprise when the voice I actually heard was rough and hoarse and definitely not a female.

"Jenny?! Where are you? Get your ass home right now this second!" If I didn't know better I would've just assumed it was a child's dad who'd tapped a wrong digit. I would've been so lucky to know different. If I hadn't already saved that voice away in a chamber with all my darkest childhood memories, with all my sadness and regret and self pity... I still remembered it though. As if I could feel the hands on me right that second, tugging my hair and lots of other places... I felt my breath hitch in my throat and it must've been pretty damn loud too as Phil looked at me concerned from the other side of the room. I was saved. His face pulled me back to the warm and fuzzy reality that I wasn't locked away with those thoughts anymore. I was at home. I was safe. I was safe now. Safe, safe, safe... safe now.

Or for now...

"Are you okay, Jay? You've gone pale. Jay?" Phil questioned me as I held the phone to my ear. It was then that I realised I still hadn't replied to the person on the end of the phone.
"I-I- I am home, Dyl. I'm home and safe now. Safe. Safey safe safe. Ok. I'm home." I barely managed to stutter each word. But it wasn't good enough. Nothing ever was.
"Don't fuck with me Jade. Get your ass here." The rough voice, who couldn't get my name right, was shouting down the phone and somewhere in the background I heard my mum calmly suggesting that he hung up or lowered his voice a little. Mum was with him. In our house? Or perhaps his?
I didn't know what to do. I started with replying calmly to him.

"I'm not, honest. I'm home. Okay, so. Not that home, but I don't live there anymore. Mum lives there. I'm... I'm somewhere else. I'm home though. Please hang up, Dyl. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want this anymore." The last sentence sent a shiver up my spine, a chill that threw me face first into my chamber of regrets. "I don't want this anymore." How many times had I shrieked that into a pillow or just into the night air? How many times had I woken up, drenched in sweat, thinking those exact words? How many times had I tried and failed to get those words to be understood? Too many.

There were a lot of profanities yelled down the end of the phone, directed at me. I contemplated hanging up but I wasn't stupid. He'd just ring back and continue until he was finished. He found it entertaining? In the end I waited for him to finish before hanging up on me, as if he'd won some kind of battle. Perhaps he had. A battle with himself?

Phil looked at me. I was frozen. All emotion was gone from my face but I sat there, on the edge of tears and shaking inside myself with pure fear and anxiousness.

"Jay... what's wrong?" He asked, "Jay, if you tell me we can help you feel better. We love you Jay." That was the first time Phil had said he loved me, I noticed. Dan had said it countless times, but Phil seemed more reserved with his love for anyone other than Dan himself... I sighed. This wasn't something I really needed to be worried about. But it was the emotions and memories building up inside me that made it all a big heap of sadness.
"Dylan's back." I said abruptly. I think Phil had abandoned the subject of talking to me about it, and Dan was out. I knew he would've been more persistent but he wasn't actually there and I needed someone to talk to. Phil seemed interested though, as he put down his Apple Mac and turned to face me. I remembered at that moment he'd read my file, he knew who Dylan was.
"Oh Jay," he whispered, "you're okay now. You're safe, sweetheart. You're safe and nothing can hurt you anymore. Dan and I love you, and we'll do whatever we can to protect you. He won't hurt you again. Not again. Not ever." Phil scooped me into an unexpected hug where, even I was surprised, as I curled into him and he pulled me into his knee.
"Thank you, Phil." I sighed.