Till The End [Phan]

Family Is Everything

"One month, three days, forty-seven minutes and," Jess paused to look at her watch, "eighteen seconds." At first I didn't know what she was talking about, then I realised she'd been counting the time we'd been apart. I didn't really know what to say. I mean, what are you supposed to say to something like that? Then it kind of occurred to me, I didn't know what I was going to say in the first place. I'd just shown up forgetting that it's not like my life was a book. Although I'm sure if it was I'd be capable of obtaining a girlfriend, and managing my social life along with the time I spent on the Internet. But I was was capable of none of that, and I was pretty much failing at expressing my feelings altogether. However, if my life had been a book, I'd just like to take this moment to curse my author, for giving me bad social skills, and pretty much ruining my life.

"I," I paused, not knowing what to say next.
"Yeah, you've got two of them- and if you came here to give me an explanation or apology, then first of all, thanks. Secondly, you've got five minutes." I have to admit, I was a little bit shocked. Jess had always seemed so quiet and timid, yet all of a sudden I found myself being ordered around by her. Quite frankly, I wasn't at all sure how to react. There were a thousand and one things I wanted to say to her, but at that particular moment, I couldn't think of a single one.
"Five minutes- and counting." I was going to ask why she was being so snappy with me, then I realised that five minutes wasn't really a lot of time to apologise and tell her how much I loved her. She gave me a look that suggested I was being a real inconvenience. I don't know whether I was actually annoying her, or whether it was just a show. But either way, a huge wave of emotion swept over me and once again I found myself speechless.
"If you're going to stand there and look like a goldfish then you can just leave." She moved the door closed a little, signifying that I really needed to get my act together or I would lose my chances completely. The slight shift of the door brought me to the realisation I probably only had three minutes left.

"Okay, um, Jess. I know I've been a bitch, I know I should've dropped it when you told me to, I know I should've just shut up and stayed out of it. But the thing is, I love you. And no, that doesn't justify bringing it up all the time. I'm sorry. I know sorry doesn't fix what happened, I know that, but I just, I worry about you so much. I worry about people hurting you. I'd do anything for you Jess, anything you could possibly imagine, I'd do it. You have no idea how much I love you. When I think about you, it literally hurts, it hurts when I remember how it feels to hold you at night. It hurts when I remember the way you smell, and most of all, it hurts when I realise that it was completely and entirely my fault that I lost you and I swear, Jess, if you'll give me another go, I'll never do anything like this again. I won't ever bring it up again, and everything will go back to how it used to be when this first started," my voice was shaking. I'd gone from being speechless to having prepared a mental essay. I supposed that this was because usually people don't say everything they need to before it's too late, and I guessed that if Jess didn't take me back, then at least I could die alone knowing I'd made some kind of effort to die less lonely. Jess looked as if she had softened somewhat. Maybe it was because she was focused on what I was saying, maybe it was the fact I was likely to become a puddle any second, maybe it was because she actually liked me still... maybe even loved me? I wasn't entirely finished. I wanted to say everything before it was too late. I couldn't risk that.
"But Jess, if you don't take me back, then I want you to know that I love you. And not just that I love you today. But that I love you today, I loved you yesterday, and the day before, and ever since the day you told me you liked me and that, dammit Jess, I will love you for the rest of my life. Hell, I'm in love with you. Just know that, okay? And when you're with the girl you love most in the world, know that I'll be happy for you. And when you marry her, I'll be at your wedding. Because there is absolutely nothing I want more than for you to be happy- even if it does damage my soul more than Frank Iero's eyes. I just needed you to know that, before I lost my opportunity."