Till The End [Phan]

Chapter Title Has Been Distracted By A Shiny Object And Is Currently Unavailable

Needless to say, when Dan and Phil arrived at the station, they weren't impressed. In fact, they weren't pleased at all. I'm actually pretty sure they were angry at me. Worse yet, disappointed. I suddenly regretted getting them called in.

"Jay Lester you'd better have a damn good reason for being here." Angry. Definitely angry. Shit shit shit shit shit. I probably didn't make it better for myself,
"Oh hey nice to see you too. Glad you're okay." I mumbled sarcastically. Phil raised an eyebrow at me,
"Don't Jay. Just don't, okay. We've been so lenient with you lately, you've practically gotten away with murder- and then we hear nothing from you over night and practically shit ourselves, and the next day we get a call saying you're at the police station and we need to come and collect you. It's not impressing, Jay. I'm disappointed in you."

That hurt. Fine, I could accept them being angry at me. I'd broken a guy's wrist and I was at the police station. But nobody had ever been disappointed in me before. I'd never done anything to be in this much trouble. And nobody had ever cared before anyway... I opened my mouth to speak but Phil held his hand up in protest. I sighed instead.

The rest of the time at the station was a blur. Technically, regardless of whether it was self defence or not, it was an assault. My life wasn't in danger and he hadn't hit me. The other two had, but all he got was a black eye. To be honest, a broken wrist might've been a little too much. Everything was too much at that moment. Phil was disappointed in me. That probably hurt more than my broken wrist. That was another thing I learned that day. Disappointment causes the worst kind of guilt. I just sighed and did what I had to do.

Luckily they didn't press any charges after hearing what I had to say. I'll be honest, I didn't tell the whole truth. I probably pulled a few white lies to get out of it. I said they'd tried to hurt Jess first. To be fair, the only lie about that part was that I said they tried to hurt her first. I just wanted to go home and sleep. This day was shit. Absolute shit.

I won't go into the full detail of everything that happened because it was honestly so boring, I would've rather gauged my eyes out with a blunt knife. Yeah, that boring. When we got back to the flat, Dan and Phil hardly spoke to me. Not because they were angry, but because they were tired. It was about three in the afternoon.

I felt guilty. I felt so guilty that I wanted the earth to swallow me right that second. Dan and Phil didn't deserve this. Hell, they didn't even have to keep me. If did something they didn't like, they could pack me off back to the care home any time they wanted.

Maybe that's what they were discussing. Maybe they'd already decided before they picked me up. Oh shit. There goes my perfect life. There goes everything I'd ever been happy about. They'd post videos and I wouldn't know what happened after the camera switched off. I'd be clueless. Sure, I'd still have their videos, but that wasn't enough anymore. I needed them. I needed them to survive. My whole reason for existence revolved around them. Around the Phandom. Around Dan's sexy end screen dance and his annoying tapping and humming and whistling and Phil's complete aversion to not swearing at all. I'd miss it all. Everything that went on behind the camera would be lost to me. I'd never know. I'd just be Jay that broke a guys wrist and got kicked out by pretty YouTubers. I'd go back to being a cold, heartless bitch that had no friends. I'd probably fall into depression and my life would come spiralling around me and it was all...

"Jay?" Dan said, "did you hear me?" I looked up at him suddenly. He'd been talking to me and I hadn't noticed a thing. I shook my head. I bet he was telling me to pack my bags. This was it. Goodbye life, goodbye flat, goodbye Dan Howell, goodbye Phil Lester. Goodbye everything I came to love.
"I just said why are you crying?" I was crying? Oh. Well I might as well beg for forgiveness then.
"I'm sorry Dan. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to. I was protecting Jess, and me. He tried to hit me Dan, I can't deal with being hit anymore. It scares me. I can't. So I broke his wrist. I swear, I didn't mean to- I meant to sprain it but not break it. It was self defence. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't send me back to the care home. I love it here. I love you and Phil. You're my family... you saved me. I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back." I'm not sure if Dan understood a word of what I was saying. It probably all fell out of my mouth in a strange jumbled up mess, kind of like my life at that moment.

I felt pathetic. I felt like I was crying over a boy I liked. Technically I was, but I didn't just 'like' Dan and Phil anymore. I loved them with a burning passion. They took care of me like nobody else ever did. To have that taken away from me would be like ripping out my heart and saying, "here. Just crush it right now and end it all." Dan and Phil showed me that all my flaws were okay, they told me that no matter what I did, I'd always be a beautiful person. Before I met them, before all of this, they taught me that I wasn't the only one scared of the dark. I wasn't the only one that are cereal in the middle of the night. I wasn't the only one who questioned their existence and I wasn't alone at four thirty in the morning. They were there with me. Even though they weren't technically with me, they made me feel safe. They made me forget about how much of a shitty person I actually was. When they fostered me, they showed me that I wasn't actually a shitty person at all. I needed cuddles and ice cream and love and attention. Just like everyone else in this fucked up world.

If you let Dan and Phil teach you anything, the best thing you can learn from them is not to hate yourself. Don't ever, ever hate yourself like I did. You are beautiful, and you are worth it and you are important. You do deserve love, you do deserve attention, you do deserve people to look at you and say 'that's the one' and you do, above everything else, deserve to love yourself even if it's just a little tiny bit.

A look of realisation and then sympathy caught Dan's face and he knelt beside me.
"Jay," he started, "I know it was self defence. I understand why he scared you now, Jay. After everything you've been through. I'm sorry we got upset with you. I didn't think about it. We would never send you back there. We love you. We really love you. Jay, listen, if it wasn't for you, me and Phil wouldn't be together. I don't know what I would do without you both. You make me feel so happy, Jay. Watching your videos after I subscribed last year made me realise that we were making you happy. I don't know what it was about you Jay, but the first video I saw of you, I saw straight through that smile that you'd plastered on. You cried after that video and I know it. You cried because you needed someone to love you and I felt like that was my job." He wrapped his arms around me.

I don't know if all that made me feel better or worse. Dan had always been there for me. When I first got YouTube, I didn't even have an account. I was just browsing cool stuff to watch and Dan's page came up. I was hooked. It wasn't like I wanted him as my boyfriend. I just. I wanted him to be part of my life. And then, there I was four years later sat in his living room being cuddled and called his daughter. I didn't even deserve him. He rescued me so many times, and in so many ways. I was so fucking broken. But he made me okay again. After days of not eating, not leaving my room, not talking to anyone. I didn't speak. I barely had any energy to breathe. I was dizzy all the time. I was on the internet. Dan had been having a rough time too, and it was like he was speaking directly to me, like I was the only one who mattered. He made me matter. I'd never mattered before.

"I love you Dan," I was still crying a little bit, but not much, "I love you so fucking much. I love you. And I love your tapping and humming and whistling and singing in the shower and hearing you pace your room in the morning and I just love you. You saved me Dan. You and Phil saved me. I love you. I love you. I love you." It seems excessive to just repeat it. But I was that awkward teenager who didn't really declare love that often. I mean, I probably did to Dan and Phil but it didn't matter. I'd keep saying every day a thousand times just so they knew how much they mattered to me. I couldn't seem to put it into words. 'I love you' was the best I could find.

I don't know what I did to deserve them. But holy hell, I'm glad I did whatever it was.

I didn't get into trouble with them after all. Phil said he wasn't disappointed in me. I'd done, sort of, the right thing by protecting myself and Jess but I should maybe lay off the armlocks and broken wrists... I could agree with that.

Disappointment causes the worst kind of guilt. That much was clear.