Till The End [Phan]

The World Is Ugly

I loved her. It took me longer than it probably should have, but I loved her. My words hung in the air for a few moments, as if Jess didn't believe me- and I was just letting the truth hit me.
She tried to pull away from me,
"You don't mean it." She whispered. I felt like I'd been stabbed. I did mean it- I'd never been so sure of anything in my life.

"I do mean it, Jess. I love you." She turned to face me. I'd like to say that I put together a cute speech on the spot and totally won her over like that but, I'm not great with speeches unless I'd prepared them first- and it was a little cliché anyway. It was too mainstream and obvious.

She shook her head at me in disbelief.
"So you don't believe me?" I asked. She nodded.
"Well, if I didn't love you I wouldn't be holding you right now, would I? And I wouldn't do this," I kissed her forehead, "or this." I pulled her closer to me.
"What else wouldn't you do?" She smiled a little bit,
"Well, I definitely wouldn't do this." I was on the spot and it seemed like a good idea, I didn't know what I was doing but I just went with it and kissed her. It took her a second before she realised what I'd done. It was gentle and soft and pretty innocent, but it was still a kiss. Jess had soft lips, like rose petals and cotton wool. She was warm and when I kissed her I felt all her innocence and childishness and everything she'd ever been through. I felt it all. I felt her melt under my touch, completely dissolve like sugar water. I didn't want it to end, but we both needed to breathe again.

"I do love you, Jess." I smiled as she snuggled into me. I think she believed me now.

The next morning when we'd woken up, I remembered the text from Sean. It seemed rude to cancel like that. Maybe I should go with the intentions of being friends? After all, it was clear that I wasn't interested in him as anything more than that. I suggested it to Jess on the way to school.
"It's not really that rude to cancel," she said, "but if you think that would be better then it's fine with me. I don't own you or anything."

School was pretty uneventful. Cam and Janis sat with me and Jess in the cafeteria at lunch, we decided we'd tell them after I'd seen Sean as they thought I'd probably end up going out with him. Or rather, Cam did anyway.

Jess was going to come round after school again. I just wanted to be alone with her. I liked how different she was when we were by ourselves. She cuddled into me and held my hand and every now and then she'd give me a quick kiss. It made me feel... alive. I liked that feeling and I wanted to feel it more often, as long as it was with Jess.

I did realise that I should probably explain to Dan and Phil that I had a girlfriend now... I knew they wouldn't mind because they're gay but I was still a little nervous about how they'd feel about it. I mean, Jess was my roommate at the care home. I knew we weren't biologically sisters so it was okay, but we'd still been best friends for quite a long time anyway.

By the time Wednesday evening rolled around, I still hadn't told Dan and Phil about Jess, but that was for the better considering I was about to go and watch Batman with a guy who seemed to like me. I'm sure they'd guessed something was going on with Jess and I as when she'd come round we just stayed in my room. They hadn't said anything yet so neither did I.

I left the flat after I'd had a shower and got changed. It wasn't like I was trying to impress him, but I'd had PE that day and I wanted to wear my Harry Potter shirt anyway. I didn't bother with eyeliner. I just pulled on my converse and left.

Sean's house wasn't far from the care home, so I decided I'd stop by on my way home. It was his dad that opened the door when I'd knocked. He seemed a little confused at first but let me in anyway. It was a good job I wasn't a murderer because that would've been entirely his fault. Well, to some extent at least.