Till The End [Phan]

All That Glitters Is Probably A Really Shitty Chapter Title

I was with Dylan and my mum again. It was the third time I'd gone there. Maybe I could take the hell out of it by going somewhere with mum instead of staying at home? I knew I'd have to face Dylan at some point. There was no avoiding him. He'd pull me on something. I'd slip up somewhere; forget to put the plates away, forget to rinse the shower. Something trivial. Something Dan and Phil wouldn't bother telling me about. I knew it was going to happen. It was going to happen and I'd get more than just a telling. He'd let me off too easily all the times before. He was planning something. Well, I use the word planning loosely. I just mean that he was keeping his anger bottled up, ready to use against me when he felt like it- I'd already got more shoulder bruises.

"Hey mum?" I asked as I sat down on the sofa next to her,
"Yeah?" She answered without looking away from the muted TV- Dylan wouldn't have obnoxious TV presenters blaring through the speakers, unless it was that week's episode of Corrie-
"Mum, I wondered if we could talk about dad...? I know we haven't really spoken about him since... whatever happened. It's just that, I don't know anything about him. I'm just curious." Mum's eyes drifted from the television and to my face as if she was dreading what she would see.
"Jay, I. I can't- I don't know how- it's complicated," she rested her hands on mine. Her hands were different to Dan and Phil's. She had thin hands and long feminine fingers with a small diamond ring on her engagement finger. I knew mum had been engaged to dad but it happened before they got married. She still wore the ring, almost like a reminder to herself that he'd come back one day. Dylan didn't seem to mind. I didn't understand that man. It was like he was two different people. One programmed to be kind and caring around my mum and the other programmed to be an unbelievably ignorant asshat around me. It wouldn't surprise me much.

Mum sighed, "It's complicated, Jay. I don't know what to explain about your dad. He was confusing, too,"
"Just tell me what you know, mum. I just want to know about my dad- about how he died, about the fire service." Mum gave me a puzzled look and then sighed once more,
"Sweetie, your dad wasn't a fireman. His name wasn't Tom either- there is a fireman called Tom that I knew, a good few years back. He was my best friend in primary school. Your dad was a lawyer, his name is Alex."
"What? So why did you tell me he was a fireman? Why did you lie?" I could've sworn my mum told me that dad was a fireman. I was sure of it. I'd seen pictures of him in his uniform, he was about twenty-one... actually, come to think of it, he was twenty-one? That didn't make sense. I didn't make things up though. My brain had never done anything like that... had it? Had I really seen Tom and decided he was my dad because I didn't have one? Oh lord, that made more sense.
"Hun, Tom is the fireman. I've never told you your dad was a fireman, sweetheart. We've never spoken about your dad. When you were three months old, Tom came to stay with us because of his work. He stayed with us until you were three. He was my best friend since high school, we were the same age, but I dropped out in year nine to move in with your dad who had just finished college- I know. He was a lot older than me and I shouldn't have done it, but I really didn't give a damn. I was just sixteen when we actually got settled in the flat." she sighed.

I'd made up my dad. All those years I thought I had some clue about what my dad looked like, but really it was my mum's best friend. I felt pathetic. I didn't know my dad at all. I don't know why it was bothering me, not personally knowing my dad had never bothered me before. Maybe it was the fact that I'd let myself to believe he was something he wasn't. It was probably that.

All of a sudden I found myself angry. I wasn't sure who I was angry at just yet. Maybe myself for being so foolish? Or perhaps my mum for not telling me? Or maybe even my dad for not being part of my life. It didn't matter who was to blame at that moment. All I wanted was answers. I wanted every little detail about my dad. Everything my mum knew. I wanted everything to unfold and become clear to me. I felt ignorant. I'd never felt ignorant before. I was always smart. I knew my shit. Just because I didn't always pay attention in class didn't mean I was stupid. I caught up on the work. Just because I got a lower score on the test than someone else didn't mean I couldn't do it, it meant that I hadn't revised properly. But I'd always pick my marks up in something else to make up for it. There was nothing I could do to make up for not knowing about my dad. It was out of my control. Something was literally out of my control and I was powerless to do anything about it. I hated it. I couldn't remember the last time it had happened, and I was pretty pissed knowing that it had and even more annoyed that I couldn't do anything to stop it.