In love with the Princess

chapter 19

TW: self harm; mentions of suicide; suicidal attempts.

Previously
Ryder left the palace. He's gone.
"I'm pregnant."

Lilliann's POV

"I'm pregnant" I looked at her. Her mouth dropped her eyes widened. "Oh my god" she exclaimed. She smiled widely and hugged me super tight. "Ahh careful." I said.

She pulled back. "Oh right, sorry" she said still giddy. I smiled at her. All of a sudden I realized that Ryder wouldn't know. My eyes started to water. Esmay noticed and came towards me.

"Oh no, come here Lilly. It's ok." She grabbed me and held me tightly. I slowly fell to the floor with her wrapped around me. "He won't be here." I cried out. "He's gone. I'll do this alone." She stopped me and lifted up my head.

"No. You are not alone. You have me and Carlos. I'm sure your mom will be happy. Don't think about Ryder. He isn't worth it." I cried louder. "But he is Ez. He was my everything. This is his child too. I just I-" My breathibg was quickening. I was having a panic attack.

My chest tightened. Esmay noticed and put my head to her chest. "Shh, shh. Don't cry love. It's ok" She was stroking my hair. Her soothing voice comforted me. My breathing came to normal and she stood up.

She pulled me up and dragged me to the bed. She opened up the covers and I laid down. She put them over me and smiled. She tucked me in like a baby. "Everything will be ok Lilly." She said comfortingly. "Carlos and I will be here with you every step of the way." I nodded and she smiled. She kissed me on the head. "Goodnight Lilly." I forced a small smile. "night." With that she was gone.

As I was left with my thoughts I realized something horrible. I've been drinking alot lately. Shit.

Ryder's POV

I hated leaving her. This was either a bad descision or a good one. But knowing myself it was a bad one.

I was staying at my childhood home once again. I was planning on finding a job in town. My mother was glad I was home. I was not as happy.

As soon as I got home that dreadful day I went to my room and drank away all my problems. Probably something I would regret but I was in pain.

I missed her smile. Her laugh. Her touch. Everything. I missed her.

The next day I woke up with a huge hangover. However my mom called me down for breakfast. Scrambled eggs with toast.

I sat down and began to eat. I looked at my mom. She was reading the royal magazine. There on the front cover in bold. 'DID MISS LILLIANN AND RYDER WELLS CALL IT QUITS AFTER ONLY FIVE MONTHS". I yanked it out of my moms hands.

"Hey" she began to protest. I glared at her. Probably not a nice way to treat your mom but I was not in the mood. She rolled her eyes and began eating.

Breakfast was silent. Only the sound of our forks hitting the plates. I went straight up stairs to sulk. I walked into my room.

I grabbed a jar of change off of the dresser and chucked it at the wall. I always knew I had anger issues. This wasn't helping.

I looked in the mirror. I had deep black bags around my eyes. My hair was a mess. My cheeks red from all the crying. Why. I thought.

You hurt her when she needs you. She said it herself. You broke her. You hurt her more than Devon ever would. Why are you so selfish. You aren't needed here anymore. Why are you still here.

I looked at the glass shattered on the ground. I grabbed a piece. Next thing I knew I was cutting from my wrist down to my elbow. I was wincing. Not screaming. Sure it hurt. But it didn't hurt as much as being without her.