Red Room Hours with John Tan

Pity

You managed to get yourself together an hour later, body stiff and ribs aching from your intense crying. You felt pathetic laying on the floor crying over a boy who wouldn't be doing the same for you. He'd probably already text Bree that he was done with you. You dragged yourself into the bathroom and surveyed the aftermath in the mirror. Puffy eyes red, pink nose still wet from running, swollen mouth and glossy cheeks.

"Look at yourself! Didn't I warn you he'd never want you? How could you let yourself believe it?" You practically shouted the accusations at yourself. Slumping down onto the bathmat you leaned against the tub and pulled your cell from your pocket. No missed calls, no missed texts.

You'd told him to leave you alone, so why was it so excruciating that he compiled? It was unreasonable to assume he'd even want to bother with you further anyway. He said he still loved her, and hadn't he been saying that this whole time? Why had you pushed him and forced him to go against his feelings?

You dialed Kasey, calculating it was probably late afternoon there. It rang three times before she answered.

"Y/N! How's Dad?" She greeted you enthusiastically.

"He's still doing great Kase," your voice had already started wavering with new tears.

"Then why do you sound so miserable babe?" She immediately went from bubbly to concerned. You shakily recapped the last few hours and she listened intently without interrupting.

"That sneaky bitch!" She exclaimed when you'd finished.

"Kasey, I can't blame her for John's actions, he's the only one responsible. He could have kept ignoring her. I'm not stooping to her level my issue is with him."

"Well I'll blame her for you, she was so persistent, couldn't she take a hint?"

"Was he giving her that hint? Or was he giving her the green light behind my back?" Your brain threw out the possibility that her showing up at his dorm wasn't the way he'd said.

"The facts are he told you he liked you, he willingly went to your family dinner, he introduced you to his brother, he took you on a date, he told your aunt he was your boyfriend, he stayed with you every single night for a week, he asked you to meet his parents, he planned the cute picnic, he did all those things. You didn't beg him do to any of them, so if he was messing around with her too he has the insane ability to compartmentalize his feelings. Why go to such effort for you?" She laid out all the reasons you shouldn't be blaming yourself and you almost let yourself believe them.

"He also said he wasn't ready for a relationship, our very first meeting he told me he wasn't over his ex, almost all our encounters resulted in sex and it wasn't like he talked about his feelings for me, and then when everything happened with my dad what was he going to do? Ditch me? He's not heartless, as much as I would like to say he's evil and despicable, he's not. I think if we'd just been friends he still would have supported me with my dad."

"What do you think he would have said if you hadn't run away?"

"How sorry he was? That he didn't plan for her to come back into his life? He wasn't going to say he wants me, he isn't going to fight for me." You choked back a sob that wanted to escape with the idea that he couldn't make that effort for you.

You'd stood leaving the bathroom and made your way to your bed, flopping down into the sheets. You immediately regretted the decision. The last time you'd been in this bed was with John, and the things you'd done weren't anything you wanted to remember right now. You brushed fingertips along your collarbone knowing his mark was still on your skin, there were more under your shirt. If he went to bed with Bree she was going to get a nasty surprise if she looked too closely at his back, you shook your head grimly as you thought of how you'd scored your initials into his skin. Embarrassment burned your cheeks thinking of how you'd taunted him about someone seeing the marks would know who he belonged to, not you, he never had.