Red Room Hours with John Tan

Apologize

You silently crept from your brother's room, pulling the door most of the way closed, just the way Robbie liked it. Out in the hall you paused, the exhaustion creeping in on you like the heaviest weight, pushing your body toward the floor. You let the pressure force you downward and you slid to the wood, back to the wall, and pressed your forehead to your knees. You knew it was John behind the front door, calling your cell, and it would be so easy to answer and act like he hadn't ignored you all day. You could just open the door, walk into his arms, and feel like the world weighed less on your shoulders.

You thought tears might flood your eyes but they never came, your cell stopped ringing, no further knocks at the door. If you stayed quiet he'd assume you'd gone to bed or the house was empty. You knew you couldn't just act like you were okay if you answered, and you didn't have any fight in you. He didn't owe you anything at all and you had known that the situation with your dad would complicate things, make it difficult to decide John's motives. You could deal with it tomorrow, you'd talk things over with Kasey and decide what to do after that.

You stood and walked toward your room, intent on getting ready for bed when you remembered your cell phone on the kitchen table. As you passed the front door you heard the knock, and turned your head to see John silhouetted in the glow of the porch behind the lightly frosted glass.

"Y/N, I can see you, please open the door and at least let me explain." His voice sounded even, remarkably steady where you knew if you said anything yours would come out quivery and strained. You frowned, realizing that if you didn't open the door, he would know you'd chosen to ignore him and it would make everything more difficult when you did finally speak to him. You wouldn't be able to merely say you'd fallen asleep and hadn't known he'd stopped by. You stepped to the door and twisted the lock, slowly pulling it open.

"John, it's late, I thought we'd speak tomorrow." You bit back the emotion that threatened to pour into your words and angled your body away from his behind the smooth wood of the opened door.

"I'm sorry I didn't respond to you today, I-" he started explaining and you held your palm outward as a signal he should stop.

"Don't continue, you don't owe me any explanation, I knew you had plans today. It was a pretty rough day for me though, I was going to bed, text me tomorrow." You started walking the door forward, the gap shrinking with every step.

"Please Y/N, I can tell you're upset. I messed up, at least let me apologize." You had the urge to slam the door, smash it into the frame powerfully, hear the impact echoing loudly in the foyer. You wanted to see his face when it crashed shut, closed him out, when he couldn't say all the stupid reasons he'd gotten your hopes up and let you down. You dragged a deep breath into your lungs, refusing to let the impulse rule over a cooler head.

"There's no apology needed, goodnight John." Just as you closed the last foot of space he calmly placed his hand over yours that curled around the edge of the door. His hand was warm and he brushed his thumb over your knuckles.

"Can I please come in?" You wanted to say no, but you wanted to say yes equally as much. Your mind was a battleground of indecision and his touch wasn't bringing clarity to the situation.

"No." The word came out insincerely, it was obvious he knew you didn't mean it because with gentle pressure forward you pulled it wide enough to allow him access into the house.

"I'm sorry. We were busy and then some things came up with my brother unexpectedly. I ended up leaving my phone in Sean's car. By the time I realized I didn't have it he was over an hour away at a friend's house editing the video." He didn't make any effort to touch you, and for that you were grateful because it would have discharged all the anger you were building up at his excuses.