His wife

>date<

Afterwards praying is what I do for while. Maybe just to distract myself from impatiently waiting for news about the eastern front, or maybe just out of habit.

Going to church regularly is nothing new to me, though it is a catholic one because before being sent here I was told not to do anything that would give my identity away. And because it is a catholic church that I am regularly visiting, I confessed my sins once as I went there. Well at least those I am able to confess without getting someone to call the Gestapo.

This man I met though, has been somewhat like a ghost in the back of my mind ever since he left me alone that night. Therefore naturally I considered calling him but in my training I was told not to. Men are by nature hunters, so they should be chasing and not the other way around.

And because I still am just a child who doesn't know about such things, I chose to follow this advice. It's not that I would have the confidence to anyway and I'd also be lacking the words and thereby just helplessly hold the receiver to my ear.

24th of December 1942
Berlin, Nazi-Germany

'Is it a sin to have a heart as unsettled as mine? To not know what your feelings and to be unable to find the words? Should I feel ashamed for feeling helpless? For feeling just like yet another grain of sand at a beach, for not knowing whether the next flood is gonna take me or not? Father tell me is it a sin to be uncertain about everything but my faith? In your holy words you were not direct about whether it's my heart or head I should be following, so how would I know which path to go without your guidance? And is it selfish that I feel like only my future is uncertain despite us living in times of uncertainty?'

For the fifth time I repeat those words in my head because those are the words I plan to say in my confession today but when entering the church with an absurd feeling in my heart, I am faced with people celebrating. To see the play of the birth of our saviour gives me clues.

But why are they suddenly celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ?
Why not on the 7th of January like we do at home? Are they celebrating it today because they are Catholics or because they are Germans? And how can no one have told me that they do it differently here?

While still standing at the entrance of the church, I just stumble back out nervously and get back to the hotel while still trying to repeat what I wanted to say, so I can confess them another day.

Still in coat and with my boots on, the phone which is placed on my night stand rings. To have a telephone next to the bed is a very weird thing to me, especially in a hotel but maybe that is just what Germans do. As I pick up the phone, I get greeted by him saying
''Happy holidays Anna.''

So it's because they are Germans and not because they are Catholics. That is quite interesting actually and still I wonder why nobody told me about this. ''I wish you a happy Christmas too.'' My voice sounds innocent as I return Josef's kind words while also slowly taking off Vasily's scarf.

''Now tell me how you have been spending your Christmas so far.'' His tone almost resembles mine, though I sit down as I think about what I could tell him. Until roughly 30 minutes ago I didn't even know that today was their Christmas, but I find an answer that satisfies me.

''Oh, I woke up, ate breakfast and went to church. And I think that will be pretty much it for today. Nothing really happend and I don't mean to bore you with stories about me brushing my hair.'' The childish innocence is hearable instead of the obvious relief I am feeling for not having had to lie with this answer.

You can not imagine the deep regret I felt after I realized all the little lies I told him at the ball. It's the kind of guilty that the people who sent me here are unable to feel because a conscience is necessary in order to do so.