His wife

>when an angel cries<

20th of January 1944

Auschwitz-Birkenau,Nazi-Germany

As I wake up my head feels really heavy like there was something pushing it hard into the pillow and my eyes are so dry that they could compare to the dryness of a dessert.
But the last part doesn't surprise me for I know I have no tears left to cry.

The pressure of what I saw during this tour and this great sense of being overwhelmed push me down into the mattress of the bed, therefore I don't feel like I am able to get up. In sheer exhaustion I turn my head and expect to see this madman next to me, but he isn't there. Instead of him, there is a note on his pillow.

_________________________________________

I know that you want an explanation, but I also know that there is nothing I can say which will make you feel better or justify this in your eyes. All I can do is to repeat what I said before: I do this because it's my duty towards the fatherland and science.

I actually wanted to say this to you  though I must return to this duty and you don't seem to be waking up. You probably feel scared and confused and are upset. But Liebes, you needn't be and you really shouldn't be.

We'll talk once you are feeling better.

I love you.

Your beloved husband,
Josef
_________________________________________

So he is currently committing atrocities again while knowing he can't justify them to me. And that simply because those actions are wrong and far away from just, but I know he is unable to see that. A part of me even wants to believe that deep downhe knows, he just must know that this is wrong, but reality probably is a lot different.

What I do believe is that he had no idea when I'll wake up again which would mean that he didn't know the effect these pills could have in combination. But I know it.

My head feels like a burden, my arms and legs feel as if just like Jesus I was crucified. My soul seems to have left my body, or at least that what I feel like. Though what is a body without a soul but a shell? Considering all I remember, I truly feel like a corpse at best. As if he killed me and yet for some reason I still am alive enough to see what he can't see. But how couldn't I?

Not only did he break my heart with each step through this hell but also me. Due to this tour through hell I not only discovered the true core of his being but the fact that my brother died as well. Sure, Josef is not responsible for the last part but that doesn't make any of this less painful.

Though maybe I deserve a part of the blame for my metaphorical death as well, after all I was foolish enough to provoke him to show the monster that he is. It was me who had the guts to scream at him why he didn't murder me, when in fact I knew that he already did. And now I hate my guts for ever daring to say such things.

Despite the way I feel, I try to turn and take out my journal out of my nightstand and start to describe what I saw with a shaking hand. What I am writing are sheer facts and yet it feels like I'm writing a horror story. At least my bones start to shake as I describe what a gas chamber is. Admittedly, I want whoever will read this, once I am back at home, to feel their heart ache. I want the person who will read this to understand that this is hell, that this is real horror and that those responsible for it but be put on trial for their crimes.

And yes, I write this knowing what it would mean for the man I call husband. I might be young and a bit naive but I am not blind. I recognize what is wrong and what is right and maybe I'm not in the position to decide, though anyone with eyes opened to the truth will know that this, Auschwitz and other camps, shall be brought to an end and then never happen again.