His wife

>rip her apart<

13th of October 1943

Auschwitz-Birkenau, Nazi-Germany

I swallow once more with a sore throat as I write down the next note or maybe rather criticism. Right now I am reading the bible again, though I try not to read it as God's holy word this time but as if it was just a book. And judge it like a normal book as well, therefore this time I notice things which I either read over before or just accepted because I saw this book as holy.

But now that I started to write down quotes I don't agree with or note whenever there is a plot hole, I do start feeling a little blue and frustrated. Morally it also feels wrong trying to take this book apart word by word just to figure out if I still can believe. But as I look at the third page of things in the bible that I personally find disagreeable, I partly feel glad to see it in another light now. Though I'd be lying if I denied feeling guilty for that as well.

During the last sundays since that argument, Josef asked me if he should drive me to church as before but I couldn't. I neither could tell him that I want to go nor tell him that I don't want to. Therefore I just stayed in bed and rhetorically spoken was bathing myself in guilt. Partly for not going as always, but also for not feeling entitled to go after doubting the Lord. It's something I still do because certain things just don't add up which I honestly never saw before. Seems like too much faith can make ome blind to reality. Though should I be grateful for that or filled with rage? After all I am in the middle of losing the one thing in my life which I thought of as permanent, as purely good and saving grace.

When it comes to this religious matter, Josef so far kept his head down after our fight. He didn't comment on what I am doing with the bible and he also quietly watched me every night as I struggle with the question whether to pray or not.

Sometimes it ended with tears streaming down my cheeks and only then would he say some calming words. Some nights I really wanted to pray, I really did; but my mouth wouldn't open, my hands would refuse to keep their position. Other nights I spent with staring at the ceiling and asking myself if up there was really someone. After all I had no proof of God's existance which could erase this struggle for me.

The only thing good about this argument between Josef and I, is the fact that now I finally can take some notes for my mission. Finally I have some answer but due to them I also have more questions. Questions which I didn't dare to ask yet and that because of various reasons.

So as for right now, I am a struggling Christian, a fake Nazi and Soviet spy sitting in bed and doubting my faith, feeling ashamed for doing so and disturbed by knowing what my husband does for work. When it coms to the last matter, I voiced my disagreement to him in the fight but afterwards only to myself. After all I wanted to desperately prevent another fight and furthermore I just didn't have someone else to talk to but him.

_
After yet another deep breath, I get up and with the bible and my notes in my hands, I walk into the living room just to place them down on the desk. A little bit hesitant I look at my blue hydrangeas on the windowsill, I look at them standing in front of a window from which you can only see another brick house wall. The reddish bricks are a clear contrast to the blue of my flowers, of course they also are very different. The bricks seem so plain and are obviously without live, though these flowers are blooming in radiate colour. A soft smile covers my lips as I walk over to the sink and take out a glass so I can water them.

After doing so, I fill up a pot with water and place it onto the stove. And while the water starts boiling, I try my best to reach the upper kitchen cabinets, though I must start to climb to do so. Gently I take out the pack of noodles and as they reveal the flour behind it, I have to swallow once more. In this flour I am hiding the gun I was given for my mission. It's an odd spot to hide things in, though that is exactly why I am hiding it in there, after all Josef would never use this flour anyway.