✓ flower petals || yang jungwon

041: fallen

" [...] I...might have to leave soon.
I know this sounds pretty shocking. I, myself am pretty shocked too, but it's the truth. I'm not lying. I promise you, Jungwon, this time I won't lie to you.
I will tell you everything. Every little thing, feeling and thought I kept to myself all this time with this audio, because you are the person that deserves to know the most.

I like you, Jungwon. I don't see you just as a best friend like you might do with me, but more than one. And I want to apologize.
I'm so sorry for mistaking your kind actions for affection. I'm sorry for falling in love with you. I know you don't return any of my feelings, I know that very well, but that never stopped me from loving you.

You know, maybe it was because I never really had a father figure, which made me appreciate and enjoy your affection even more.
I don't know the exact reason why I fell in love with you or when, but I knew I did.

I know this is going to sound terribly lame, but you were the first person to accept me the way I am. Remember the first time you went over to my house? I panicked so much, but your smile managed to calm me down. It was the day I realized I liked you.You were the first person to approach me so easily and made me feel comfortable. And I'm so glad that you were the one to be there for me when no one else was.

That's how I fell for you in such a short period of time like the fool I was. I should have been careful. I should have told myself that everything you did, was just a friendly gesture, but now it was too late.

You stole my heart, while yours was still stolen by Sangmi.

At first I tried to help you get close to Sangmi. After all I wanted to see you happy and not sad, but it eventually became very, very difficult, Jungwon. Can you understand? I wanted to be a good friend so bad, please believe me.
But my jealousy, my breaking heart, I really couldn't handle it anymore.
Jungwon, I tried. I tried so often.
I'm sorry for never being able to be a great, supporting friend to you.

But sadly that's not everything.
I was sick, Jungwon. I have hanahaki. As if being in an one-sided love wasn't enough, fate slapped me right in the face and gave me another illness I had to get along with.

You probably never heard of it, have you? I will explain it to you anyway~ Let me eh- read this part straight from the article because I haven't memorised it yet. "Hanahaki is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided, unrequited love."
And if you count one and two together, you now know that I've been throwing up flowers these past weeks, because of this damn illness.
This is the thing that has been haunting me. This disgusting sickness. It was the reason why I suddenly had to leave all the time or couldn't show up at school.

Jungwon, I never tried to avoid you or run away from you, but it was too overwhelming and I couldn't let you see me..like that. I never wanted to keep this a secret from you, but knowing you..you would have blamed yourself, when it was me who decided to fall in love with you.

At first I really tried to play it cool and not let it affect me too much, but it was too hard. In the back of my head was always the fear that I could throw up petals any second or that I could lose my breath again. And with my asthma everything just got..worse. I felt myself changing, acting differently, anxious and I started to avoid the people around me.
And I'm sure you noticed it yourself too.

There are 3 ways for me to cure it. I could get surgery and lose all my feelings for you, make you like me back or die. In the beginning, I was torn between all three options, but now I was sure.

I will never lose my feelings for you no matter what happens, Jungwon.

You might think..wow, Eunji is such an idiot! She is willing to risk her life for the useless feelings she has for me, when I don't even like her back..
And you are totally right with that.