The Santiago Cartel

Twenty-Five: Silencing the Guilt

Marinda Swank
Staring at the woman in the mirror I had no idea who she was. My hair was matted to my head, and the stench that radiated from my body proved I had not washed in months. Shit- I could barely remember the last time I had a decent meal, shower, or clothes. For the past couple of months I'd been debating on if I wanted to reach out to Carter and Jennifer for help. I wish I could turn the clock back- but karma and the devil had me choosing my fate.

I fucked up a bond with my daughter, and my marriage over a nigga who didn't give two shits about me. I was just a pawn in his web of deceit. I let my jealousy sign over my sanity. I couldn't forgive myself, or let go of the fact that I killed my unborn grandchild. I tried to soothe the guilt by telling myself that it was what was best for Jennifer- and she would realize it. Who in the hell was I kidding? Money and Jealousy really were the roots to all evil. Jennifer wasn't talking to me after finding out what really happened, and Carter straight out told me he loved me- but he wasn't fucking with me. I wasn't sure how to redeem myself- or if it was really worth it.

I went from being able to buy anything my heart desired- to getting my ass beat around the clock. The shit didn't affect me anymore. As long as I got my nose candy in the end- I would take those ass whooping's like a g. If Carter knew that I was being beaten on a regular Matt would be six feet under, but I had lost all hope. I used to be vibrant and exuded happiness- but all I saw were dull eyes staring back at me. All I had going for me was a drug and alcohol abuse habit- and a fiancé who could give two shits about my well-being.

I stared at the barrel of the gun and marveled at the cool feeling of the gun against my temple. I placed one bullet in the chamber earlier. Russian roulette was my game of choice. As I placed the barrel to my head- I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger click, but nothing came out. I snorted another line- and took another shot of Henny. I was trying desperately to remember what chamber I placed the bullet in earlier. The faster, and quicker I was gone- the better off life would be without all the hurt, pain, and guilt I dealt with every day.

I snorted one more line while saying a silent prayer. There was no point in saying it out loud. I doubt God would forgive me for this incident, or any of the previous ones. I just prayed that he kept my family well. I prayed that he blessed Jenn and Chris with another child. She deserved that much- and so much more. I closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger again click-and still nothing.

I snorted a quick line and took another shot of Henny. I thought quickly if I forgot anything, but everybody should be getting the same text at some point. I grabbed the gun again and placed the cool barrel to my temple. I took a deep breath and prayed one more time that God would forgive me for all the sins I committed...including this one.

I felt it in my soul that this pull of the trigger would be the last one. The voice in my head was insuring me that this would be the final pull of the trigger. I sought comfort in that voice as I licked over my chapped lips. I watched as the tears fell down my face one after the other.

I felt relieved knowing I was silencing the guilt

I pulled the trigger again

Click....

Two updates today. I didn't feel well so I missed class. I was a little productive and was able to crank out two chapters. I hope you guys enjoy both of them. I tried to make the first one a little humorous since this one was a little intense!😁😿 As always I hope you enjoy! Excuse my mistakes.😘💜 -C.Pacino