The Santiago Cartel

Twenty-Seven:Reality Check

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Reality Check

January 18

Jennifer

The days that lead up to my mother's funeral were a blur. The only words that described my feelings were anger. I was angry that she took the cowardly way out. I was angry that she didn't serve time for the hurt she caused me. I was angry because I no longer had her here. I was just enraged by the whole situation. I pretty much isolated myself from the outside world. I barely said anything to Christon if I had to. I think the only person who has really heard from me was God.

My only question was "why?" I just wanted a justified answer for everything I have ever faced. I prayed that he revealed the meaning to all of this. I felt that if something else bad happened my dad and Chris would just have to get me mentally evaluated. I was sure to lose it. The door opened to the guest room and I was face to face with the one person I had been avoiding.

"Jenn, you doing what I told you not to" he stated

I felt myself roll my eyes.

"I'm not doing anything- but minding my business Chris" I replied, starting to grow annoyed by his presence.

I watched him inhale and then exhale.

"Cut that fucking attitude Jennifer. I know I told you to make peace, but your ass been in this funk since then. I mean that literally and figuratively speaking.

I sucked my teeth and gave him the finger

"I don't see why I can't grieve the way I wanted to. After all, I lost my mother and child...not the other way around.

I knew I fucked up and couldn't take the shit back now. I watched the hurt flash over his face. He went towards the door but then he closed it.

Christon

"You are not the only person in the world whose parent passed away. Newsflash, I also have a deceased father. Yeah, the shit hurt like hell when my dad died. I went around thinking the world owed me something because of it. Guess what, people die every damn day Jennifer. I could walk out this door and catch a fucking bullet just because of my occupation. Yet, I learned to get over it. No one owes me anything for my parent dying. God needed him more than we did. I let go and I let God take over that pain I was dealing with. It didn't get better overnight, next week, or even next month. However, once I stop letting losing my father control me I was able to smile a little more. I fucking lived Jennifer. One thing that my dad used to do was give my mom flowers at any chance he could think of. My brothers and I all started to do the same thing because it made us feel closer to him. It was a ritual that we chose to continue. Although he is no longer here, his memory lives on that way. Do something that will help you to remember your mom. Find another way to channel your pain.

Furthermore, you weren't the only person who had a child die. We created our daughter together! We both experienced the same pain. I may have handled the situation differently- but I still hurt over losing something so precious. I fucking designed the nursery, or did you forget. I don't owe you anything, and neither does anyone else. I love the hell out of you Jennifer. I would marry you today if I knew you were ready- but this.... I pointed around her has to stop, and it stops tofuckingday. I left you alone about attending your mom's funeral since you went to the wake but I refuse to let you lose sight of reality. If I didn't love you I would say fuck it....lose sight of everything- but I ain't no childish ass boy. With that said take a fucking shower, check your emails, your dinner in the microwave, and I'm downstairs in the office." I semi-yelled while staring back at her.

She motioned to say something but I shook my head. I was in Jenn's same position but the harshness was what my mom had to deliver my way for me to realize that life can deal you a fucked up hand. However, you just reshuffle, adjust some shit, and keep it moving. You will never forget, but you cannot allow things to takeover you and just let it eat at you.