(3) Not the Same: An All Time Low Fanfiction Romance

Chapter 19: Love

        I averted my eyes from hers, searching my mind for the right answer. I opened my mouth, but closed it almost just as quickly. My vision fixed on the beaten coffee table, words stuck in my throat. I closed my eyelids, breathing in and out lightly. I went to speak when the intercom next to the door buzzed, pulling me from my thoughts completely.

        "Pizza," Stella said softly, pushing her hands off the cushions of the couch before I stopped her. I gave her a weary smile before moving towards the door, hitting the speaker, briefly mumbling to the pizza guy before buzzing him up to the apartment. I propped the door open, going for my wallet that I'd placed on the counter. I fished out a twenty as a figure knocked obnoxiously against the metal door. I pulled it open with my foot, giving him a grin before trading my money for the food.

        "I would've paid for that. I ordered it," Stella said quietly. I shook my head, clearing my throat while walking back to where she was sitting. I placed the cardboard box on the table, turning to get plates and something to drink.

        "You paid for breakfast last week," I said weakly, mind still wandering around the idea of love.

        I tried to push the thoughts from my mind, shaking my head vigorously in the hopes of erasing it like an etch-a-sketch toy. Even after grabbing two plates and two bottles of water from my fridge, my attention was focused on the thought of Craig's face. Did it really seem like I loved him?

        I sat down, staring intently at the box Stella had flipped open. The intense smell of cheese, sause and pepperoni filled my nostrils, but I couldn't think of eating at the moment. I was stuck, beacuse I didn't know what to say.

        There was a long silence, the only noise being the small munching coming from Stella. She didn't seem to mind it. Before, she was so eager for the fast answers. But here she was, waiting patiently for me to sort out my thoughts. She wouldn't let the question go. Her persistency was a trait that would never change.

        "I don't know how I feel about Craig," I said in a whisper, sinking further into my seat. My arms crossed over my chest tightly, feeling cool fingers through my shirt. "I don't think I have for a while."

        She nodded, swallowing he food before biting her cheek. Her dark hair fell in her face while she leaned frward to get her drink. She balanced the plate on her thigh while twisting off the cap, bringing it to her lips and taking a long sip. I almost wanted to smile, remembering the way Alex did that when he was trying to think of what to say. I always had a knack for noticing my friends' habits. They are just like each other sometimes.

        "I don't think you love him if you're hesitating," she said. I nodded, biting my mouth continuously.

        "I don't think I do either," I murmured softly, picking at the fabric of my yoga pants I'd changed into. "I love him, but it's different than you and Alex. I don't think you'd get it."

        "Make me get it," she suggested after finishing her first slice. She picked up my plate, placing a piece on it before handing it to me. I took the plate, setting it on my leg the same way she had.

        "It's just -- I love Criag for what he's done for me. He saved me, Stella. I wouldn't have been able to survive being at home; everything with Zack was just too much. We always understood each other, and he's been my best friend since middle school. I don't know, maybe I had these harbored feelings for him that I didn't notice in high school because Zack was there. When he wasn't, all I could see was Craig."

        I didn't know how to explain it, but I gave it my best. Stella nodded again, fingernails tapping on the top of her bottle lightly. She didn't know what to say, mostly because she didn't know what I was talking about. When she started dating Alex, it was only ever Alex. Sure, she dated Adam for a short time, but the feelings were gone when Alex stepped into her life romantically. No one ever stood a chance because she wanted him, and he was there for her throughout it all.

        They also never broke her the way Zack and Craig have broken me.

        "He's your rescuer."

        I felt my head bob in agreement, trying to force the image of Craig's smile out of my mind. I didn't want to think about him now, not with him so far away. I missed him, and I wanted him here.

        "Maybe you're confusing love with gratitude," she said in a hushed tone. I shrugged, knowing tha twasn't it. There was more to this complicated and twisted relationship then she would ever understand. She was never as screwed up as I was; she never really had to deal with the problems with not knowing what her heart wanted. She's always wanted Alex.

        I, on the other hand, didn't seem to have that quality.

       "He doesn't want me to hang out with Zack," I muttered quietly, annoyed with the thought. "He thinks I'm just running back to what I left behind in Maryland."

        Stella scoffed at the idea, obviously offended for her friend. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. You can be friends with whoever you want."

        "He's just protective over me, I guess," I tried to dismiss the idea from my head. I paused for a moment, thinking to myself. "Has Zack had any girlfriend ssince?" I asked randomly, looking to meet her eyes for the first time since she'd asked that fatal question. THe green shined bright against the terrible light of the apartment, giving me a small smile before shrugging.

        "Sure, there were a few girls he saw a few times. There was this one girl, Callie, that he dated for two months, but nothing ever came ov it. He's been single since.

        "Were they good to him?" I wasn't sure why I was even asking Stella. I could have asked Zack if I really wanted to know. I knew that he'd question Craig and I being together soon, and I could do the same in return, but it scared me to think about asking him, something I still needed to figure out.

        "Very," she nodded, "but I guess they just weren't the kind of girl he was looking for."

        I nodded in return, focusing on the pizza in front of me getting colder by the minute. I finally picked it up, takin ga bite fron the tip. I wasn't very hungry with all this on my mind. Two pictures bumped back and forth in my brain of the boys fighting visiously over the front spot where I could see them first. It was a game of tug-of-war that I was sure wouldn't end any time soon.