(3) Not the Same: An All Time Low Fanfiction Romance

Chapter 42: First Look

        Even as Zack's lips moved slowly away from mine, I didn't back away. I let him wrap his arms around my torso, holding me tightly against his chest. I leaned my head into his shoulder, arms crossed behind his back. I stared at my car, only a foot or so away. I'd come so close to just driving away.

        It was the first time he'd given me any indication of how he felt after I left. From the moment we ran into each other, he acted as if it really was in the past and that he was over it. But this, this was so different. He was scared I was going to leave again, disappear with Craig even when we didn't have anywhere else to go. He didn't want to come back from tour and see that I'd chosen to leave again. He wanted a fair chance to fight this time.

        I couldn't promise him that. Not when their tour was a little more than six months away. Not when Craig's return was a little more than a month away. Not when I was this torn between the two of them.

        I took a deep breath, leaning my head away from Zack to look up at him. I let my fingers twist through his hair, playing with it softly as I spoke.

        "I'm just going back to the apartment, okay?" I whispered, unable to get my voice any louder than that. "I'll still be here tomorrow."

        "Is that all you can promise? Tomorrow?" he questioned. I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to look into his eyes. I know what he was thinking about; Craig and then their inevitable departure. He wanted an idea of what could happen in the long run, but with all my uncertainty and confusion, all I could give him was tomorrow.

        I nodded, forcing myself to open my eyes to him again. "I'm really sorry," I said miserably. "You and I both know that I'm a screw up, and I don't want to make you a promise that I don't know if I can keep."

        Zack's arms loosened around my back, his hands sliding around to my waist, lingering for a moment before they dropped to his side. He was pulling away. I let my hands fall quickly from his neck, grabbing his hands to try and keep him in front of me.

        "Zack -- Zack wait, please," my words came out broken, mouth moving faster than I could think of what to say. "I'm not saying this won't work," I said quickly, telling him something he wanted to hear. "It can, this is our second chance, and I'm giving you your fighting chance. I'm not running away, okay? But, that doesn't mean I can promise you that everything won't change in the long run. Just because I say that doesn't mean I want anything to change between us. Okay?"

        I cut myself off, unable to think of anything else to say. There was a pinching feeling in my chest that only grew worse when Zack didn't answer. He wasn't even looking at me, his gaze had averted past my head. I couldn't tell what he was thinking; if it was good or bad. I wanted him to say something, to know that he heard and understood me. I didn't want him to fear me taking off again. I wanted him to stop looking upset.

        He still wasn't saying anything. I bit my lip, figuring that whatever was occupying his thoughts wouldn't change if I was around or not. I let go of his hands, running mine through my hair as I started to take a step towards my car.

        My hands were still in my hair, pushing it out of my face when Zack's warm arm wrapped around my waist. My hands were still mid-air as he pushed his lips fervently against mine. The sudden pressure of his body against mine made me step backwards, my body hitting the truck of my car.

        I sighed against his mouth as his lips moved slower against mine until he pulled back, leaning his forehead softly against mine. I was breathing through my nose as he spoke, trying to slow down my heart rate.

        "I'm sorry," he muttered, chest rising and falling slowly in front of me. "But, I just can't fucking stand the thought of you leaving again."

        "I know, I'm sorry."

        I felt as if I could apologize forever for what I did. I don't think I could ever forget how awful of a thing it was for me to leave like I did.

        Zack's mouth opened and closed, searching for his worse, but even if he'd thought of something, the loud sound of voices from the entrance of the apartment building stopped him. He took a step back, distancing us a little as Alex called out to him.

        "Dude, move your ass. We have to go!" Zack asked softly, and I shook my head.

        "You can swing by when I'm out," I offered.

        "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow," he smiled, pecking my lips before backing up.

        "Bye," I said quietly, watching him turn and jog over to the group. Across the dimly lit parking lot, I knew Stella was watching me, curious as to what had just happened. I turned form her, finally making it to my car.

        I tried to focus on the road as I drove, but I kept getting pulled back into my thoughts. Tonight had just dug me even deeper.

        Seeing Zack so worried about a repetition of six years ago was so upsetting. It was the first look at just how badly I'd hurt him, and it left me feeling like shit. I didn't want to hurt him again; it was the last thing I wanted. More than anything now, I wanted to be able to stay with him, to stay together just the way I'd pictured in high school. I wanted that more than anything.

        There was still something stopping me from telling Zack that, from saying that I wouldn't leave again.

        Even if I told Craig I wanted to be with Zack, and if I found it in me somewhere to break off our open relationship, I didn't know what would happen next. It wouldn't make Craig happy, my wanting to be with Zack, and I could lose him as my best friend. After the last six years, I couldn't handle that. I needed him as much as I wanted him to need me.

        I felt my chest tightening as I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building. I turned the car off, ripping the keys from the ignition, but I didn't leave my car.

        The realization of Zack leaving me again, and the memories of what it caused last time hit me like a ton of bricks. The thought of repeating those years was terrifying. When I agreed to give things a second chance with Zack, I didn't think this could be an outcome. I thought my worst problem would be figuring out what to do when Craig came home, but now I had to figure out how to stop the past from repeating himself.

        My hands gripped the top of the steering wheel and I let my forehead fall on top of them. I squeezed my eyes shut, hating what I'd gotten myself into.