Man of the Match | DaiSuga

Chapter 14

CW/TW : Bullying and anxiety (I'm sorry it's so angsty at the minute I promise the fluff is coming!)

Sugawara POV :

My mind began to flood with questions:

1) Who? Who could have started this? Was it someone I knew, someone I was close to or someone who just happened to oversee? The thought that someone I was potentially close with spilling a secret like that caused a lump to build in my throat and the pit of my stomach to feel hollow and heavy. My breathing began to hitch and I couldn't begin to slow down the world around me...

2) What? What did people know? To what extent where they aware and what sort of situation could someone have seen or heard about? The churning thoughts dried out my throat, things continuing to speed up internally and slow down externally, like a race course in my head.

3) When? When could someone have heard, seen or come across me looking anything less than boy? I put effort into myself every day, I battle with the mirror, with my past, screaming to any god that will listen begging for answers of why I was put in the wrong body. Why I was made incorrectly - when did someone catch wind of this truth - this ugly horrible truth and when did they decide it was theirs to share. My vision started to blur looking at the sickening stare of the guy before me.

4) Where? Where did I let my guard down enough to put myself at such risk? My walls were built high, fortified over years of bullying, self doubt and dysphoria. There was no way I could put myself in a position to jeopardise the the fortifications I put years into building. Countless hours and unimaginable man-power had created my impenetrable castle and all it took was one person at the wrong time, the wrong place to come charging into my palisade. Am I falling?

5) Why? Why would someone want to do this to me? I've been nothing but kind to people in the two years of being here, entering my third year I have no bad blood with anyone. So why am I the target, why choose me? What did I do to deserve this and who hated me enough to share such a soiled secret. I felt like the kid who turned up to show and tell empty handed and became the laughing stop when in fact it was the opposite. I turned up to show and tell with too much baggage and attempted to hide it - and now people were prying it open with their eyes, their sharp words. I felt my back collide with the floor as everything around me became white noise, my vision blurred but I couldn't identify if it was the shock or tears. Either way I laid there looking up at the ceiling.

"Suga?" A voice cut through the static sound of peoples murmurs and laughs and pulled me back out of my head a little, enough to hear them call out to me. "SUGA?" It sounded desperate and panicked this time, poor soul is probably worrying. Though with the cat being out the bag I'm not sure who would care enough to bother - leave the abomination on the floor - it's what I deserve. It's where I always end up, at the bottom of the food chain looking up at whatever bright fluorescent lights there are.

I felt some arms grip my shoulders pulling me up into a sitting position, I couldn't focus on anything, my head felt heavy and the white noise of gossip was back surrounding me. Creating this sound barrier that felt impenetrable. "Suga?" There it was again, it sounded softer this time, "Suga? It's Daichi..." His arms moved to under my arm pits and he began to lift me to my feet before draping one of my arms over his shoulders holding my hand and wrapping his other arm around my waist. He was supporting what was essentially the entirety of my weight.

"ASAHI!" The yell was loud enough to silence everyone in the corridor, to cut through the gossip like a knife through butter. The commotion stopped and another figure joined us, taking my other side and grabbing my bag, I assumed it was Asahi but I didn't have the strength to bother looking. My head was spinning and questions continued to swarm, like a biro that had scribbled on paper too long I was tearing apart.

I could hear the two supporting me having their own conversation but my brain wouldn't focus enough to tune into it. I couldn't even begin to piece together where they were taking me, I just wanted to sink into nothing and here I am being dragged through the corridors. I heard a pitiful laugh and it took me a minute to realise it was me who was laughing. "Suga you ok?" Daichi asked my friends conversations stopping. I couldn't help but laugh, I'm a joke.

We seemed to reach our destination in the nurses office as they lowered me onto a chair before Asahi sat opposite me and Daichi caught the nurse up to speed. Being out of prying eyes I was slowly adjusting to what was around me, the weird sanitary smell burnt my nose and my eyes managed to settle on a concerned looking Asahi. "Hey it seems you can see me now." He smiled trying to lighten the mood but I felt hollow.

"Yes it seems that way." I couldn't force the happiness into my voice, I couldn't being myself to pretend it was ok. The entire situation had shaken me to my core, they said my deadname and now I'm sat with my two best friends who are either oblivious, or hiding the fact they knew the rumours - and I can't decide which is worse.

The nurse came over and decided to prod and poke me trying to get a diagnosis... I can diagnose myself its anxiety. To top it all off Daichi now joined Asahi in sitting opposite and looking concerned. It was like they were trying to impersonate worried parents - if I didn't feel so empty I'd probably laugh at them both and attempt to raise the mood.

Silence fell over us after the nurse had left, I guess no one knew where to start the conversation or what to ask first.

"What happened Koshi?" Daichi asked in a comforting tone, I guessed it would be him to speak up first. Lord knows Asahi wont know what to say without stuttering. After last night and the recent event I couldn't bring myself to trust in him, in either of them.

"So now we're pretending to care?" It came out sounding harsher than intended and both of them looked taken aback - not my fault. They've been acting weird all week ever since I first noticed people acting weird, they could have told me, warned me. Not left me to get deadnamed and pretend everything is ok.

"Hey why don't we let you cool off and I'll see you at practice. You don't have to explain anything just look after yourself yeh?" Daichi smiled reassuringly before standing and taling his leave followed closely by Asahi.

As easy as that I was plunged into silence with nothing to distract me from my consuming thoughts.