Man of the Match | DaiSuga

Chapter 35

CW / TW : Anxiety/Panic Attack

Daichi POV : 

I walked to my home. I was trying to just hold it together, repress it internally until I can get through my front door. When I get in then I can break, I can collapse and let it all go, I can hide and pretend nothing went wrong. Just forget it. How can I forget it? I fucked up, I messed up!  As I turned the corner to my street I couldn't understand if I was feeling scared, petrified or angry. The swirling of negativity was consuming me as I walked down to my front door and opened it heavily. I'm home, I'm safe it's ok.

The second I closed the front door I turned putting my back against it and allowing myself to slide to the floor. I couldn't hold it in any longer as it all came flooding out. The guilt, the doubt, the worry, the hate, the fear... everything poured out of me in waves as I felt a sob rack through me. Shit that was loud. I couldn't move as I just sat there, I heard footsteps coming as I tried my best to wipe away any sign of anything going wrong.

Pull it together, you're the oldest think of the twins, the little monsters - they don't want to see their big brother like this. Mum doesn't need to worry, Dad doesn't want to see this. You'll wake people up. Shut up you moron, if you can't fix it for yourself, pull it together for them...

Mid-way through my mental lecture I saw Asahi appear around the corner, looking down the corridor at me, followed by my mum and Nishinoya. I looked at them all as I pulled myself up off the ground. I feel so heavy. I brushed myself off and hung my coat up, maybe if I pretend that didn't just happen they won't mention it. I wiped over my face as I turned to look at the wall hanging my coat and kicking my shoes off. I turned back to the three of them as they just watched me in silence. I walked up to them and offered my mum a hug and then walked past them to the kitchen for a drink. Just act like that didn't just happen. They won't mention it... Just be strong for them.

"Daichi? You ok?" Asahi asked gently, as the three of them now stood at the opposite side of the kitchen, I noted the mostly drunk cups of tea on the counter - they must have been having a gossip session waiting for my return. Of course Asahi would be here, him and my mum get along too well for him to not be here. I smiled at them all nodding, if I speak it will be like reopening the flood gates. Just hold it together until people leave you alone. "You can tell us you know." Asahi smiled reassuringly as he held Nishinoya's hand, their fingers intertwined. 

Seeing their hands laced together sent a stream of hurt through me, what had I done? That shouldn't have happened. Suga is going to hate you, you ruined a perfectly good friendship! You want Suga in your life and having him there as a friend would be enough - why would you ruin it? 

My silence only furthered everyone's worry as they all stood at the other side of the room, continuing to observe me. "Daichi whatever you're feeling is ok, you know that?" Noya prompted. 

No it isn't. What I am feeling and what happened is far from ok. It is all far from ok. I feel like an alien in front of my friends and family, I feel isolated and you're all stood just there. 

I felt my eyes beginning to tear up again. No don't you dare! But no matter how much I internally yelled at myself I couldn't stop looking at the couple holding hands and that only made me bitter. It thrust fear through me like a spear, it caused my mind to play the kiss on loop only filling me with a bitter taste of regret. I felt the warm tear fall down my cheek and watched as everyone began hurrying over to me. Before a second could fall, three pairs of arms encased me as the damn in my mind finally burst. My knees buckled and I felt weak, I felt weak and stupid. 

"Hey Daichi baby, what's wrong? Talk to us?" My mum begged as she began to play with my hair like she used to when I was younger. "What happened? Talk to us please." I could hear her worry, feel her concern as she squeezed me tighter in her arms, her shushes were gentle but her body language screamed concerned. I pulled away from the three before finally sitting down at the counter as the others followed suit. They waited patiently as I tried to calm myself. 

"I can't say it. I'll just... I'll..." The emotion was beginning to boil over again just thinking of trying to verbalise it. If I didn't say it, didn't admit to it maybe I could pretend it didn't happen. Asahi simply slid his phone over to me with it open on notes. I picked it up in shaking hands, how am I supposed to type like this. I just stared at the white pixels on the screen. I'm a joke. I put the phone back down on the counter. I can't speak, can't type - pathetic. 

I tried to inhale deeply, please, factory reset. What worked last time? You punched a wall ,hard, and that seemed to reset. I leant back before throwing myself forwards onto the counter, hitting my head hard. The force made me a little dizzy but it silenced everything internally as I rested there on the counter. The sting pushed everyone's voices further away as I could hear them making a commotion but I didn't tune into it. "Me and Suga kissed." I muttered it out, not lifting my head as I focused on the pain coursing in the front of my skull. Their commotion seemed to stop as it fell silent apart from the ringing in my ears. "I... can't... breathe." I choked out from where I was fighting back tears still trying to push myself into the darkness. 

I was surprised when I realised it was Asahi that had pushed himself next to me, he began trying to talk me through breathing techniques, calming me in anyway he could as he just talked me through the panic attack until it began to settle. "I'm sorry." I mumbled again, finally lifting my head from the counter, to see my Mum worried as she held Noya into her side as if shielding him from my outburst. Asahi was watching me carefully with a worried expression. "I'm sorry for that. I promise I'm ok." I tried to plaster on a smile, hoping to fool someone.

"Well that's clearly a lie shit for brains." Sakura shot as she appeared at the kitchen door. "Wailing like  a baby and headbutting a table is not fine so don't make promises you can't keep." I wanted to snap back at her, call her out on her language, tell her it's all ok - but she was right. "So suck it up." She glared at everyone as she got a drink and left as if nothing had happened. 

I sighed heavily before standing to go to the lounge, "It's 11pm, you two should stay so I'll go get the futons." My voice came out hoarse and monotonous as I started plodding up the stairs feeling Asahi, Noya and my mums eyes following me.

This is going to be the most awkward sleepover ever - way to go shit for brains. You couldn't just hold it together until you got to your room could you?