Man of the Match | DaiSuga

Chapter 17

CW / TW : Suicidal thoughts, self depreciation, implication of harm, mental health, gender dysphoria, dead-naming and mis-gendering. (Suga experiencing the pain after the argument please read with caution).

Sugawara POV :

As I turned the corner onto my street, tears began to cloud my vision again, I quickly wiped them away with my jumper sleeve before marching through the gate and walking up my drive. I walked into the house and slammed the door, not bothering who heard or who came. It was irrelevant, I was beyond comfort. Ignoring the pleas of my family to tell them what was wrong  I ran upstairs and into my bathroom, forcibly closing the door and quickly flicking the lock behind me. My bag hit the wood and my body weight started getting heavy as I slid down the door and finally let out large sobs. They echoed around the cold tile walls as I sat there, my knees curled into my chest and a hand tugging on my hair. Fuck Daichi, fuck Daichi, fuck! My brain focusing the emotion somewhere - or at least onto someone.

"Koshi?" I could hear my mum at the other side of the door, she was knocking gently and listening out for what I may be getting up to in here. "Koshi sweetie can you open the door?" Stupid question mum as if I am going to open it right now - I barely have the strength to move. Sobs were wracking through my body, sending tremors through my chest as I simply sat there unable to do anything but cry. Worthless piece of shit as always. The negative thoughts began to flood in, the spiral starting early on this evening. "Koshi sweetie open the door." He plea was only just audible, worry and sympathy in her voice. I don't need your pity, I don't need anyone's pity. I clenched my fists as I threw my head back to hit the door. 

"Mum go away." I choked out, hoping she would take the hint and leave me to sob. Maybe she will vanish downstairs and pretend everything is alright with her broken daughter. Pretend it is all ok and we are simply playing house - put on the same false smile she did when I first came out while she was adjusting to it all. It wasn't that she didn't support me, more that it was a shock and it took her a while to get used to it. Maybe she could just pretend none of this is happening, pretend that her sweet Hana Sugawara was fine. Maybe Hana would be in a relationship by now if things didn't end up so complicated - perhaps she would be dating Daichi, vice captain for the girls volleyball team, excelling in her studies without the anxiety disorder and gender identity problems. Maybe I could have been happy if someone had just got it right.

If Apollo hadn't been drunk, or if God didn't want to test me. Maybe I could be happy. Content at the very least - I would settle for anything above empty at this point. I looked at the light on the bathroom ceiling, wondering if when I looked at the sky if a deity was looking down. Am I making anyone proud up there? Am I making anyone around me proud?

A ruined friendship between the doofus trio, making a scene at volleyball practice, my mum hiding her worry when giving her consent for me to have top surgery, my dad researching for hours on end how it all worked, my brother getting bullied in school cos he was related to the freak. The situation getting so out of hand that we had to move from the city to escape it. Everyone around me suffers, with me at the epicentre. Maybe I'm cursed. It would explain a lot.

It would explain the gender issues, explain why everyone around me is constantly suffering - all because I am never enough. 

I could be a better friend, I could be a better son... I could have been a better daughter, a better brother, a better student... I could have been so much more. Yet here I am, sobbing on my floor, asking if there is a god and if they do exist why did I have to be such a joke. 

I could picture the answers preachers would offer you, "To challenge you.", "To test you for your right of passage to heaven.", "Flowers don't bloom without growth.", "To build up your strength against temptation." 

Please all God has done is provide me as an example of what not to do. Made me the deterrence to people around me - don't be like Sugawara, they're a freak. God created me so others would fall in line. 

"Suga please open the door sweetie, I'm worried." My mum's voice was calling out to me again. Why does she even bother, we will only have a reply of this in a couple of weeks time. Am I really even myself if I aren't having a breakdown in the bathroom? 

I sighed feeling the need to answer her calls. "Mum please leave. I want to be alone." I choked through sobs. How do I still have the energy left to cry? How long has it been? It could have been anywhere between three seconds and three hours. I leant my head back against my knees, allowing the pressure to make my eyes ache. It was something to pry me away from the nagging negativity in my head. 

"THEN MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ENDED UP SO FUCKING ALONE!" It was the first time I'd ever seen Daichi get so emotional. Often he didn't deal with the emotional side of anything - opting to have the emotional capacity of a pebble. He had tears in his eyes and the look of betrayal stung me. 

"I had no idea you felt so lowly about me Sugawara." I don't feel lowly of him, I just can't think of who else it could be. I remembered the hug he shared, how I wasn't wearing a binder, remembered how he held it for a little too long and tensed up a little too much. There was no way he hadn't noticed - the only person in our school besides Takeda that could have any possible links to that information and I highly doubt Takeda would spill something so confidential. 

"You were meant to trust me." It isn't that I didn't trust him, I would trust him with my life, but he didn't need to know. Where does he get off feeling so entitled to details on my life. "Two people who would carry the world for you." I know you would, but who else am I supposed to blame. I caught you Daich... I caught you stitching me up. 

I caught you pulling the trigger on me.