Distressed // Steve Rogers

10 - It's a Journey

Natasha sat on the bed lost in her own thoughts. While she and Bruce had wiped away any traces of confrontation from the chaos left in Bucky's wake she had mused and wondered and now, sitting there replaying tonights attack in her mind, she was almost certain. When Talia had told her about the man who was too strong the thought had never crossed her mind. She had never considered that the little girl she had left behind would ever face that fight. No one got away from that fight unscathed. Talia had faced The Winter Soldier. The concept made turned her stomach over and over.

Bruce placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Try not to worry about her Nat. She's a lot stronger than you give her credit for." He gave her a soft smile as she nodded only half listening. "She survived on her own for a long time. Talking when she's afraid probably isn't something that's going to come naturally to her. She'll find you when she's ready."

Nat sighed and shook her head. "You know, it never ceases to amaze me how smart you are."

"The seven PHD's weren't an indication?" He raised an eyebrow at her, laughing as he teased her before getting to his feet and heading towards the door. "Get some rest. I'll be in the lab with Tony if you need me."

Waiting in the dark for him to leave, Talia smiled slightly as Bruce gave his insight to her sister. It struck her that Dr. Banner was a very good match for Nat. Where she was stubborn, he was forgiving. Where he was controlled, she was playful. They balanced each other well.

He saw her standing there; her eyes red and puffy, her auburn curls scraped back into a bun. He saw how she seemed to shrink back into the depths of the darkness as he stepped into the hallway and he turned away without a word. She was there for Nat.

"Nat?" Her voice was a whisper, pulling Natasha from the imagined situation that possessed her now. "Are you busy?"

"No, I'm not busy." Nat gave a tight smile, her eyes downcast and soft in her sadness. "Is everything okay?"

Her fingers trailed the distressed oak of the dresser as she took a tentative step into Natasha's and Bruce's bedroom. The light was dim. The bed, sitting freely in the centre of the room had a soft patchwork blanket and the walls were covered in beautiful artwork. Talia paused in front of the smallest canvas. An open ocean with golden rays of light reflecting off the surface. It was beautiful.

"What's on your mind Munch?" Nat stood beside Talia, searching her face for answers to questions she didn't know how to ask.

Something about the way she called her Munch, like they were just children in the woods again, relaxed her. It brought her peace. She did not take her eyes off of the beauty of the sea and the sun and the purity of the painting. She took a shaky breath.

"The Winter Soldier was my target. The mission that I ran from. The man I was supposed to kill. It was him."

Natasha took Talia's hand in her own, waiting for her to look at her. When their eyes met Talia knew she already knew this.

"So you tried to kill Bucky?"

The pounding in her chest rattled as she shook.

"Hey, look at me. It's okay Munch. He's not The Winter Soldier anymore. He's not going to hurt you Tal." She followed Talia's hand with her eyes as it absentmindedly traced the red stains on the ivory of her skin. Bucky had already hurt her.

"When Steve asked about it... he - he wanted to know why The Soldier did that and I couldn't. I couldn't tell him Nat." Her eyes brimmed with tears as her pain spilled over. "I don't know how to tell him I nearly killed his best friend. He told me he - I know he lost him once. I nearly killed him Nat."

A soft sigh escaped Natasha's lips as her head tilted to the side slightly and she raised a questioning brow.

"Do you -"

"No. Don't look at me like that, it's not like that Nat. He's been watching me the whole time I've been here. Reporting back to Tony. And then tonight, when The Solider - Bucky - when he got angry Steve told them I wasn't a threat. He stood up to them and defended me because he doesn't see me as a threat." She gripped her sister's hand as the fear crept in. "What if I tell him and then he sees me as a threat? I'm not a threat Nat. I'm really not." Her voice began to rise with the panic. "I'm just tired of running. And I'm scared Nat. I'm scared I won't survive running again. If they decide I'm a threat I'll have to run again Nat. I don't want to run. What do I do? I need you to tell me what to do."

Violent shakes ripped through her as Natasha wrapped her in an embrace, pulling her over to the bed and wrapping them both in the blanket.

"Breathe Talia. One, two, three, four." She counted as her shoulders moved with Talia's, soothing her. "Focus on me. Focus on the now."

As she calmed, Natasha rubbed small circles on her spine, stirring the memories of nightmares and sleepless nights spent comforting each other in the dark of The Red Room.

"What do I do?" Her voice was small, mouse like and afraid.

"When I first joined S.H.I.E.L.D, I didn't trust anyone. I was battling with a lot of different things Tal. I was searching for who I was outside of what they made me. Outside of what I thought I had become. I was afraid, and angry, and alone. You were gone." A gentle squeeze of Talia's hand told her that Natasha wasn't angry, but the sting of her guilt came anyway. "And I was so angry. Fury pushed me to fight through it, to keep trying to move forwards but I was so lost and I didn't have anyone to turn to."

Talia wiped a tear from Nat's cheek and pulled her down so that they lay opposite one another, still wrapped snug and warm in the blanket.

"Eventually I started to talk to Clint." Nat continued as her eyes misted with memories. "I didn't tell him about you. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about you for a long time. But I opened up about missions and the deaths I had caused. The pain I had inflicted. It wasn't instant Munch. I didn't just one day wake up and find it easy to talk, but I found myself wanting to get it out. I wanted to be honest. Opening up is a journey, not a destination."

"So what are you saying?" Talia closed her eyes as Nat gently brushed the loose tendrils of hair away from her tear stained cheeks.

"I'm saying that sometimes in order to be trusted, we need to trust the people around us. And Steve - well you can trust Steve."