Melancholic (BxB)

Chapter 5

This chapter contains content about suicide attempt. If you are struggling with this issue yourself this may not be right for you and if you ever feel like you need someone to talk with reach out to a person who you can trust or a school counselor or call a local helpline. Do not hold everything in yourself because when you start talking, it gets easier.

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You know what the hardest part was growing up like this? The fact that I couldn't talk to anyone about my feelings. I felt so lonely and devastated, it was almost like nobody understood my pain. I couldn't even write a diary because I was too scared that if somebody found it all my secrets would be revealed. I mean, I could try to disguise it somehow but the whole point of writing a diary is to be honest and without that it's completely pointless.

I buried my secrets in the darkest parts of the ground but because of that I didn't have a chance to ever even think about my feelings. But in life nothing stays hidden, that's the lesson I learned just by living. Everything I worked so hard for turned out to be for nothing when my secrets started crawling back to me and it was something I wasn't prepared for.

I knew how to lie, not that I liked it but it was something I had to know if I wanted everything to stay the way it was. At some point I started lying to myself without even realizing. I was hoping that someday I could have a normal life without being forced to keep secrets. But that's just not how life works. If you want to survive you have to prepare yourself for the worst case scenarios.

Well, it's too late for me now. I have already given up. This is just too much for me. I can't take it anymore. I want this to end.

For the first time in my life I feel relieved, now that I'm standing on this bridge, ready to jump and put an end to my miserable life. It's kind of ironic. At least I won't have to live in a lie anymore.

No one understands me, but it's okay. Where I'm going I won't need anyone. I'll be fine without them and they'll be fine without me.

I'm not blaming anyone, if anything I'm the one to blame. I kept everything inside me and look where it got me to. Holding everything by myself wasn't an easy task and it finally shattered me. I'm not strong enough and I'm tired of fighting, especially when it seems like it won't even have any result.

There's no way I can change their point of view and there's no way they'll accept me as who I really am.

I don't expect their gratitude or sadness. I just hope that one day there will be no kids who feel the same way as I do. I hope that they'll be happier than me. God knows I tried and I hope he'll forgive me for doing this.

Goodbye, cruel world. I don't hate you for existing. I could never hate you for that because even though you are the one who created all the people that disgust me, you are also the one who created the ones that love me. My friends, Lucy and Felicity. I'm so sorry that I didn't get to say farewell to them but that doesn't mean I don't love them. They were the reason that kept me alive this long but I can't do it anymore. I wish you all the best and I hope you find the happiness I never did.

I finally took a step forward and started falling. Falling into the lake before I was swallowed by the waves.

A Few hours ago...

I just got home. Lucy gave me a ride from school and we talked about boys. Everything was looking pretty good so far. Except for the part when she was annoying me with all the questions like did you ever kiss a guy or who's your crush and all that. It was sort irritating but I knew she meant well and it was also nice that she was talking about something other than her own boyfriends.