Melancholic (BxB)

Chapter 71

"And how are you feeling now, Jesse?"

"Why is everyone asking me that?" I couldn't hide my frustration. "As if that would change anything... Who cares about my feelings..."

"A lot of people do. Your friends, your family... That's why your grandma decided it would be a good idea to come and speak with me. I understand why you may not trust me, after all we haven't known each other for long, but I believe it will be beneficial for you if you talk to me." The therapist added calmly. His tenderness seemed slightly forced to me but what he was saying made sense.

Grandmother asked me to be more accepting and open to his suggestions. It's the least I could do for her. I'd already put her in enough trouble with my problems and making her worry over my mental health was the last thing I wanted. She was the one who proposed I should've gone to a therapist but I was planning on talking to her about that before my dad got into a car accident which cost him his life. And then I didn't really get a good chance to have a normal conversation with her since everything was so hectic.

This is probably a great opportunity to get all these feelings off my chest. Grandma said we'd only be staying in my hometown for a couple of days so I'll likely never have to see this person again after a few sessions and for some reason that mollifies my inner fears. She also told me that she'd get me a new therapist after we go back to our house so I pretty much have nothing to worry about. Even though I didn't want to make her spend more money on me she insisted this was the only solution.

"Well... I'm not sure what I should even talk about. I don't think I have anything to say." I let out a soft sigh before landing my palm on my knee and squeezing it briefly out of nervousness.

"Don't be afraid. You have nothing to worry about. You can be honest with me. I'm only trying to help you." The psychologist must have noticed how anxious I was since he commented on my behavior. "I think we should start from the beginning. As I've been told it's been almost a week after the... incident. Was it difficult for you to process what happened on the rooftop?"

"At first, yes, but now I'm just trying to cope with the stress and everything that comes along with it, I guess." I poured out my heart. "I'm not sure what my reaction is supposed to be in this kind of a situation..."

"Don't think about what you're supposed to be feeling. Instead tell me what you're actually feeling." The doctor started writing something down in his notebook.

"Well, I was angry. Really angry at myself and everyone else but now I'm just so mournful, I suppose." I fixed my gaze on the Newton's cradle which was on his desk. I pulled the last sphere and when I let go it swung back and struck all the other stationary balls until it repeated the effect in the opposite direction. Looking at those spheres bouncing back and forth was so relaxing that it almost made me fall asleep.

"And why were you angry at yourself?" The therapist eyed the Newton's cradle for a split second but he quickly returned his attention on me.

My eyes were so captivated by the spheres' simple but beautiful motion that I completely forgot to answer his question. The doctor was quick to notice why I was distracted and held the last sphere for a few seconds to stop its momentum.

"Uh... I was angry because I blamed myself for what happened." I stated as the memories of that horrific day appeared right in front of me. The visions were so vivid that for a split second I imagined I was back on that rooftop. "Now I realize it wasn't my fault but I'm still agitated. I mean I know I'm not responsible for her problems but even so I can't shake this feeling off that I somehow messed up. I guess knowing it and feeling it are two different things."