Pacifier

💔Della🍀

"Sam," I whispered, my head resting on his chest in the low light of dawn rising outside.
Through the closed curtains the light was cold orange, still pale, still to early to see.

Sam was sleeping but I knew he would stir if I asked him, knew he'd wake up and tell me if I asked what I needed to. What I already believed I knew the answer to.

"Sam," I said again, my voice soft curious as I prodded his chest and pushed myself up slightly.

When he stirred I was looking down at him, my eyes glowing with sleep and anxiety. Not a fearfulness but an eagerness to know an answer I feared.
But I knew it was better to hear it sooner rather than later.

"You areet little one?" he asked, his voice thick and sleepy, barely there as he opened his eyes squinted and sleepy too.

"Uhuh," I said, my own voice barely there. I felt we were balancing on a precipice. In a moments time I'd know. I didn't want to know but I had to and in a moments time I would.

"Sam have you got to leave?" I asked, biting my lip, looking down to him, determined not to show him how much I needed him to say no. How scared I was of him leaving me. I held his gaze and when he nodded I held firm. Didn't crumble though I felt something inside me slip.

"Where?" I asked, my voice steady but thin. I wasn't sure how long I could hold it together. I knew I needed to be a girl who needed no one but I'd lost everyone I held dear so quickly, I wasn't sure I was quite that girl yet.

Thinking he might leave only made me more certain that if he did I'd be lost again.

"Work stuff," he said shrugging a little as he pushed himself up on his elbows to look at me, "look little one I know why you're asking me this and I know what you want but you can't come with me..." he started, trying his best to ignore my scowl which formed quickly and refused to relent. "Della love cmon, ynar why a dont want you with me for this..." he tried again but I wasn't giving in.

I was only quiet because I was trying to control my temper, the heartache fuelling me. The tears I wanted to burst into. I knew I couldn't. I knew that breaking down like a little girl would only prove his point.

"Yeah so it's dangerous..." I rolled my eyes, hands balled up in fists against his chest, gripping the tshirt he slept in.

"It ain't just dangerous lass, you could get killed..."

"Aye and..." I snapped back, eyes lit up about to be too sharp, trailing off instead, "you might get killed an all..." I chewed my cheek, tried not to let him see my tears. I didn't know what to tell him without telling him too much.

"It's me job love... It isn't yours..."

"I don't care..." I frowned, my scowl unmatched. My thick dark brows knitted, my dark eyes pooling with the sulk. He struggled to hold my gaze but when his eyes met mine I could see he was stubborn.

"Aye well a do an am not letting you get yourself killed... Wait here with Izzy an Van an when am finished al come back for yas like..."

"No," I said, jaw set tight, I could be as stubborn as him, if not more.

He was asking me to sit around waiting for him to come home, as if sitting around waiting for my brother had worked last time. As if sitting around waiting not knowing anything wasn't complete torture. As if it didn't feel like helplessly wasting away. Dying slowly waiting and never knowing whether you're waiting for someone who will actually make it home.

"I won't do that," I shrugged him off, losing my fight turning away, "an fuck you," i mumbled pushing myself away from him. The floor was cold on my feet and as i wandered outside I snatched a packet of cigarettes from the kitchen table.