Wild Hearts ✮ James Potter

Chapter 31.

TW: Mentions of Self-harm.

It seemed as though the sun would never rise again. It felt like the world had been drained of colour for the Marauders.

They were missing a piece of their puzzle. It was like a rainbow without the colour red. A cupcake without icing.

It wasn't right.

James without Sirius.

The Marauders without Padfoot.

It wasn't right.

But at least they had each other.

Sirius had no one.

After Mia had heard of the reason for Severus Snape wondering into the shrieking shack, she was devastated. In fact she was more than devastated.

She was a jumble of emotions that could not simply be unraveled. If she was feeling like this, then she couldn't even comprehend what Remus must be feeling.

After all, it was his secret that was so nearly exposed. It was him that lost the boy who had just professed his love. And even through this, Remus was still the glue that was holding his friends together.

James was probably the most ruined of them all. He lay in bed each night staring straight into the crimson drapes that hung around his bed. Occasionally glancing at the moon and flickering stars. But every time his eyes gazed over the pale moon that hung low in the sky, all he could picture was Mia laying motionless in pain, or Remus and the way his eyes glazed over with pure heartbreak as he recalled his actions and the destruction he had caused.

But no one had noticed Sirius and the way he was hurting even more than all of the Marauders put together.

Because he had lost everyone.

He was failing all his classes. He was skipping most meals. He usually just sat in bed all day and cried.

Because the truth was, he was terrified. If he lost James, then he lost everything. He assumed that he would lose his home. He would lose his family.

Everything.

Last night, Professor McGonagall had requested to speak with Sirius and had demanded that he explained his actions and the reasons for his stupidity.

Sirius could see the look of disappointment painting her features and it broke him a little more inside.

No one was there for him anymore.

And it was all his fault.

It was a rainy day outside. The wind was billowing around the castle making Sirius want the mattress to swallow him even more than it already was. He couldn't bear it anymore. The sadness that pressed into his chest had turned to numbness. He had recalled something that Orion Black had once told him.

"You show emotion, you show weakness. Don't let them see you weak."

He understood now. He didn't want his so called friends to see him like this. He didn't want them to know the crushing pain he was in. But he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed. He rolled over and looked at the small blade on his side table that he and James used to carve their name in the bed frame.

He could've sworn he'd put that away.

But there it was.

Looking so tempting and welcoming. Like it was calling him forward. It would make him feel something. Give him some other pain other than unbearable rejection he felt.

He grabbed the handle and stared at the sharp blade.

No one would know.

Not that anyone would care anyway.

He just wanted to try it. See how it felt.

He dug the small sharp knife into his upper arm. He scraped it along his flesh and dragged it back and forth.

Pain.

He felt pain. But real pain. Complete and honest pain. When he withdrew the blade the pain subsided a little. A trail of sticky blood trailed down his arm.

He made several more scratches along his bicep until a tear dribbled form his eye. That was enough.

It was good. He liked it. The pain was now a dull ache and he could purely focus on that and nothing else.

That's all it was.

A distraction.

And no matter how much he knew it was wrong, he couldn't stop now.

It had been days stance he first picked up the blade and now he couldn't put it down.

But it didn't matter. Because no one cared about him enough anymore to stop him.

So Sirius Black sat there silently drowning in his own tears, feeling that familiar sinking in his heart as he truly thought he was destined for nothing.

He had lost everything.

And it was all his fault.

I am literally sobbing so hard right now. I thought there could be some great character development with Sirius as he has had an equally traumatic life as Mia! Thank you to everyone who reads this books please remember that you are NEVER alone. Hurting yourself is NEVER the way forward. I love you so much and I'm hear to talk if you ever need me. Love you guys ❤️
~M