hopeless purpose (dreamnotfound)

fate dancer

tw:// pretty graphic depictions of death, sorta suicidal thoughts? (not exactly, but you'll see what i mean)

< 4:32 am >

he wasn't sure of how he'd gotten here. sometimes his body just takes over for his mind. his mind goes on autopilot, so overloaded with an abundance of conflicting thoughts that he simultaneously can't think of anything at all. it's an oxymoron of sorts.

the human body's natural reaction to when you feel too much pain or discomfort is to go into shock. your mind deceives you into thinking you're okay, into thinking that the pain is gone, or that you've been miraculously healed. when in reality, shock occurs as a defense mechanism.

during shock, your heart isn't pumping enough blood to the rest of your body, your lungs don't receive enough oxygen, and your organs slowly begin to shut down one by one. like a domino affect; the blood once flowing rapidly through your veins now trickles out in a series of dwindling droplets, each one emitting a quiet, despairing echo that ripples its way into your arteries. your arteries choke, gasping around empty space for a sign of supplementation that will never come.

the news has been spread throughout your entire body now. it knows its dying. but the dreadful humming of your body's eternal effort finally simmers down.

there's peace and quiet for once.

those that have had near death experiences often say that it was the most elated feeling they'd ever experienced. that it was inexplicable. movies and media give us the closest depiction possible, but surely nothing could compare to the real thing.

people have described a light floating sensation consuming their being; that it feels as if every weight has been lifted, and you're simply on a cloud of serenity. they say that suddenly life is so much brighter and your vision is granted with otherworldly, vibrant colors that we don't even have names for. they say that any pain or sin feels like its been wiped away. you're clean. they say that in a sense, your life does flash before your eyes, but not in the way we see on tv- it's not some quick-paced reel of every event that's led you up to the current moment, but more like a sense of completeness and acceptance.

acceptance that you'd lived your life and now it was over. that that was all you got. you've used up your only chance, so you hope it was worth it.

was it worth it?

that question ringing through people's ears is what divides our human perspective into two.

death  vs.  acceptance in death

in death, some say it was the best feeling ever because their lives were worth it, they were content with all they'd done, accomplished what they wanted to accomplish, and could honestly say they'd loved as much as their heart would allow.

but the rest of us, the ones who never became complacent, the ones who couldn't accept their own flaws and the faults of the universe, well, those unfortunate souls feel entirely lost in their last breaths.

they don't get the blessing of seeing the light of a thousand suns raining down on them, there's no relief, or gleeful silence. no, instead, their minds race even faster. their thoughts are unstoppable, they penetrate through each and every dying braincell, drilling the doubt and existential dread into your soul to rest there till the end of time.

those people never get a break. they say that if you had an overwhelmed, distraught mind when you were living, then that's exactly what you'll die with.

so there george laid, in the middle of a quiet street, gazing out into the world beyond, cigarette in hand, wondering which ending he would get. whether he'd have a grand epiphany and be granted the key to living, or if he'd remain stuck within himself.